Saturday, December 30, 2006

and i want to pass it on (pass it on...)

besides the fact that i am having a mini faith crisis (again!) - well, maybe not so mini because i am actually wondering if i believe the bible anymore and also questioning why The Deity doesn't show up for every child (in a hurtful/abusive situation) who prays for help. so, as i was saying besides that crisis of faith, i think i'm doing okay.

i am posting this short message to try and spread the word about this site i go to every so often. more likely than not, you've recieved the email pleading with you to go to The Breast Cancer Site and click to provide free mammograms. if you have then you may already have seen the other sites to which it is attached such as the clicks for child hunger, animal rescue, literacy and rainforest preservation. well, they also have stores that sell fairly traded goods as well as food provision 'kits' or even 'send two girls to school in afghanistan' gifts. it seems to be on the up and up and i thought it would be a good place to shop online so i'm providing them with an albeit miniscule but gratis advertisement. So go to the Child Hunger Site Shop and look around. you may find something unique and interesting.

i need to talk more about my 'where is god' stuff, but not now. it's 11:37 (PM) and i need to get to sleep. so go already!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

consumerus christmas

well, it's over. 20 some days of shopping and madness for 20 minutes (at the most) of paper ripping fun. and i am feeling kind of happy about how we 'did christmas' this year. well, to be really honest i think i would like a bit more balance. maybe we went a bit far on the scale when we went with no gifts for anyone at all except lauryn. that's right, we bought and wrapped ONE SINGLE gift this year and it was for little lauryn. none for ryan because there are things he needs and he doesn't know the difference yet. there is a part of me inside that holds tightly to 'what i know' and feels awkward about that.

i think it could also be the same part of me that wishes that we had bought gifts for our immediate family. i missed that feeling of seeing joy on someone's face when they open something that you gave them (that they are happy to receieve, anyway). don't get me wrong, i am still very happy to know that we gave toward the wells for people without drinking water as well as the aids support group in the bahamas and i KNOW this kind of giving will be a part of our tradition. but, perhaps in an effort to remove ourselves from the vortex of consumerism (by remove ourselves i mean trying to climb OUT of the hole into which we have already fallen)... as i was saying we may have taken it a bit too far and missed out on the genuine sharing and caring that (can) happen/s. now that it's all said and done, i really wish we'd gotten gifts for my mom and sisters. and for my friends' kids (and my two wives too). i would like to have gotten something for nathan too. and yes, i would be remiss if i didnt' say that i would like to have gotten something from him. this is, after all, the 'reminder' time of year where it's designated 'show appreciation for everyone you love' time. and humans kind of need that. a reminder to do something to show friends you really appreciate them. (which is a good policy to ensure that no obligatory or duress gifts are purchased too. as in: i have to buy a gift for suzie because she's gonna buy one for me. or i don't even really like so-and-so but i have to buy a gift for him..

:/ but we are going to get a few pieces of clothes (to replace my washed- and stretched-out, and very stained tee shirts and replace some of nathan's wicked old shirts too. again, my thoughts lead me to the path of balance. always the thing i am hoping to achieve in pretty much everything i do.

can you believe i thought i could limit how many presents lauryn was allowed to open to three???? haha! what a laugh! she only had like 5 or 6 under the tree, so it wasn't that bad (like 12 or 13, in which case i think would really have tried to make some kind of cut off till later) and she did show genuine appreciation for the gifts so that was okay. but then, i guess i robbed her of the feeling of giving too. let's face it, she has no concept of giving money to charitable organisations. and there is so much fun in picking out things for someone you love. so next year, we will move further in, toward the cente of the scale and try not to tip it too much in one direction or another.

still, the idea of sharing with those who need more than we do and being in community with the children at the orphanage is something i plan to incorporate into our regular lives next year. (i.e. not just waiting till christmas to 'give' of ourselves and our pockets).

okay, ryan is getting mommy restless. nathan can only hold him for so long with the ball. i gotta run.

Monday, December 18, 2006

open season on nursing

do i go into peoples homes and say to them "why are you having soda? you should drink water instead." or "why on earth are you going to bed at 9? that's ridiculous! stay up till 11, if not 12!" or "you should get rid of this dog. it's irritating me."

are you catching my drift yet? how come people feel like it is perfectly fine to tell me how my nursing relationships with my children should look? why are people SO concerned about how many times a night my son is waking up? you mean he is STILL waking up??? why, my children all slept through the night by the time they were 8 weeks old. really? i guess it was super convenient to wean them, toss them into a crib and leave them to cry alone in the dark - or maybe toss them a bottle of artificial milk and comfort to cry with while you slept peacefully in a seperate room in your own damned bed?

i cannot think of a single thing we "teach" children by leaving them to cry alone in a room except to "fall asleep on their own". when, in actual fact, what these babies are really learning is that they are worthless and the people and the world around them are not to be trusted. ("now see here, timmy - you sit in this room until you can figure out how to dress yourself and tie your own shoes! you're two years old, dammit, it's about time you learned! and stop you blubberin'!") sure they seem fine enough as they go through the early years, but the disconnect will evidence itself when these children/adults try to form meaningful relationships. hello? look at our western society chockoblock full of people who don't touch or even get too close to each other... yet we know full well that humans need touch, look at all the people paying masseuses (sp?) for touch.

we're all about the personal space. which i respect, but it's really a NO TOUCH society! thank heavens for the loving latin culture where everyone kisses and hugs everyone else. let's hope they can influence americans and not vice versa.

the high touch, intimate relationship that is breastfeeding (we say breast feeding because we must differentiate from bottle feeding, which is ridiculous. it should just be feeding and the breast part be understood!) anyway, the bodily contact in breastfeeding is such a perfect way to foster a nurturing individual (in both the baby and the mom). unless bottle feeding mothers are prepared to remove a portion of their clothes for each feeding, this part of the bonding is missed. what's my point here? i kinda lost some steam cuz i am doing this over a two day period. but i think whay i'm getting at, bottom line is that it pisses me off royally that people (in my familial circles) feel like i need advice on how to handle feeding and nurturing my son. "give him a bottle of water when he wakes up. that'll stop him!" i try to be kind and make jokes about how my cut off is when he's ready for college or how it's much easier for me to just stick the boob in and go back to sleep (which, duh! of course it is - that's whole damned evolutionary point!) but next time i think i'll nicely but bluntly say that i am happy with it - actually WE are happy with it - and he will wean when he is bloody well good and ready. (or me whichever comes first -but i'm hoping to stick it out for him.)

well, this has taken me long enough to rant. let me get on with life. it's off to FL tomorrow to visit my mum and sisters for christmas but that's a whole other blog...

Saturday, December 09, 2006

the REST is not history, but mystory

so last post i was trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. how come i can't - won't - stay alone with my darling children. and i know the answer: i am too tired. i need more rest. (gosh why is this falling flat even as i type it?) c'mon, cian, rest? who doesn't need rest? you say. but what i'm saying is that i have been nursing and growing babies for the past three years. and not in the 'traditional' way.

'traditional' here translates to: leaving them to cry, sleeping seperately, using formula (or bottles!), going back to a full time job, weaning them before they are ready (lauryn nursed till she was 34 months and, of course, i've only just begun with ryan, haven't i?), feeding them crap filled with PHOs, food coloring, sugar... basically just going with the flow.

i'd like to say i'm a crunchy granola mom (hey, i don't vaccinate and i buy organic!) but i don't think i've made it all the way over there either. has lauryn ever eaten a hot dog? yeah a couple of times (3 or 4 maybe), fast food? hello! KFC anyone? candy? sadly, yes. so, i'm not like making my breads from scratch or growing my own organic vegetables. but what i am is INTENTIONAL. the decisions i make are not done lightly. i may not always make the right one, but i am always doing so with the best intentions. as in, what will this mean days, weeks, months and several years down the line? so maybe i'm crunchy store bought, organic granola.

i mean, i honestly don't know how anyone can do this - waking up several times a night for years, showing up every single day, being present with your kids - in isolation! it's just not the way it was meant to be. right now, my house is clean. and that is because of my two best friends who were here yesterday with their kids and they cleaned my home for me. because i could not. i am the only mom i know who has not had any 'professional help' (as i a paid homekeeper) with managing my home. the dishes, the laundry, the floors, the beds, the cooking the everything still needs mine and nathan's attention in the middle of me working full- and part-time (for me now) and looking after our 3 and 1 year olds.

(i think i'm defending myself because i'm imagining people reading this with raised eyebrows and rolling eyes.) but the truth is, i have to justify my tired feelings to myself sometimes. which is absolutely ridiculous. ree-dic-yoo-luss!

of course i am grateful for every single moment that i am present with my children. as i said to my grandmother this morning, if i don't raise my kids, someone else will and i'm sure they won't do it the way i want. i see no point in bearing children just to hand them off to someone else to raise for you. not during these tender, formative years especially. but, that's another soapbox.

all this to say, --- actually no, i don't think that if i got 10 straight hours of sleep every night guaranteed, it would mean that i could stay home alone with my kids every day. bottom line, it takes a village. and that village for me is very clearly defined in the women who are sharing this journey with me - namely deborah and christine. thank God for them.

so we continue to strive to be together as much as possible so our kids can play with each other while we watch, participate (sparingly :), encourage, correct and love them.

silence | clarity | peace

Sunday, December 03, 2006

being a mother on sunday, dec. 3rd 2006

warning: this is going to be honest and raw. reader discretion is advised.

okay - this morning nathan got up with the kids at 6:15 so i could sleep in. he came to wake me at 8 so he could go to the supermarket before we went to church. (honestly, i was sad.) and as i dragged myself to a state of wakefulness, i began to feel a kind of apprehensive feeling. i began to dread - yes dread - getting up out of the bed and facing my two [albeit darling] children. i didn't like that feeling. what was that about? i was scared to be alone with them. i was unwilling to 'face' dressing the two of them and myself while nathan was out doing [an albeit noble thing] the grocery shopping. i didn't even like to make those words in my head. what kind of mother, i asked myself, doesn't want to be with her kids???

now this is not the first time i've not wanted to be alone with them. that's pretty much all the time. for me, it's much easier to mother in community (usually with DST). am i alone in this? does every other mom on planet earth relish being alone at home with her two (or more) young children? i am trying to articulate to myself what exactly it is that i am afraid of. and i can't say for sure.

but i don't have the time to ponder that right now. i have to run. i'll chew on this and write another post.

the enormous red elephant

friday, as we all know, was world aids day.

i live in a country where we have one the highest per capita rates of infection in the world.

i live in a country that claims to be a "christan nation" (church on every corner, that kind of thing).

i live in a country where no one cares about aids. (well except for some of the members of new providence church community and a few other individuals. but not the religious community at large.)

this math does not add up. what kind of followers of Christ would not care about people dying in their midst? i feel i should say a prayer for our country and for all our brothers and sisters here and abroad who are suffering and dying because of this disease.

dear Mother,
from You all good things flow. it is in Your secret place that we have each been created in Your image. You are our Mother and You are our Father. i am so sad when i think about all the people whose lives have been affected by this epidemic. and i know that You are sadder still. no one could care more about Your children than You do.

my prayer, dear Mother is that our hearts would be filled with Your love and compassion for the men, women and children who are suffering and dying from this sickness. and also for those who are left behind without mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends. and may this be a true love that motivates us to do something. to speak, to serve, to give, to share - to show up. may the light of The Christ Jesus be evident. no, not just evident - bright and shining and warm. shared with everyone without discrimination or judgement.

this is my prayer.


Thursday, November 30, 2006

i have the right to choose

sometimes i forget that i am not really obligated to anything. sometimes i say that i don't have a choice. but the fact is that i do. and for this i am very thankful.

i am choosing to nurse my toddler. i am choosing to work part-time to earn some extra income (to afford me more choice, by the way). i choose to stay or go. i choose to keep my children in bed with me. (well, lauryn in the room in her own bed). i choose to keep lauryn in my playgroup . (well, maybe i don't get to choose whether i want to be up at FIVE or SIX AM most mornings, but still i choose - usually - to be present with my children even though i'd much rather turn on the drug box (TV) and let them babysit themselves while i rest (phew, that was a long one!)). i choose to spend almost too much money on organic dairy so that lauryn will not need a bra at age 5. (or so i hope).

i choose all these things and more. and i take responsibility for my choices. i must. i want, after all, to have a say in my life.

so tonight, even though i have lofty yearnings to ponder st. nicholas at christmas or peggy o'mara's incredible editorial in this month's magazine, the sleep rests heavily upon my shoulders and my lids so i must answer it's intoxicating call and leave my thoughts at this: thank Goddess for the right to choose. may we all be able to recognise and actualize this gift that is inherently human. (my prayers for my brothers and sisters who cannot.)

silence | clarity | peace

Sunday, November 26, 2006


a friend emailed some comments about my BOT rant. she very kindly disagreed with my outright banishment of all BOTs. and so, i thought i would post my response. reason being that i didn't really *think* too hard about what i wrote. i was just spewing out my *feelings* on the toys. really, i was just posting to share the link to the nice wooden toys. then i got all huffy (as i usually do) about the BOTs and renounced the whole lot. so, here is my response:

about the BOTs, i agree that some of them have their place. but i personally will not spend any money on any of them. if they are given to us by well meaning loved ones, i weigh out the pros and cons and decide whether it's worth keeping. and whatever i do keep, when the batts die, i do not replace them. we did get one of those Fisher Price rock and roll pianos for lauryn for her 1st b-day and it's still going strong. serves as a quick 5 minute respite for ryan sometimes but he's not too interested most of the time. things like containers and lids, bottles and their caps, building blocks, stackers - those seem to hold his attention more. [but in all fairness, he seems to be much more of a 'techy' baby than lauryn was]

i guess my problem with BOTs - aside from my personal bother - is that i think most parents get them as babysitters. an alternative to actually being with their child(ren). so maybe i'm judging the toys and the parents too harshly (?)

i'm not interested in teaching my toddler/pre-schooler phonics or things like that. i'm not interested in having a battery operated bear "read' stories to my kids. i'd rather show up the best i can and let's talk about stuff. (wow, look at that tree! is that an ant? how many stones did you find?) - okay sorry this is turning into a blog entry!! (LOL)

you get my drift though. they aren't all evil, but they are kind of like the candy/junk food of toys - sure i'll have a few but i'll keep it to a minimum! few and far between...

end quote (slightly modified).

my take away message (unsolicited advice, that is) then is pretty clear, i guess: get good toys as much as you can and allow a BOT or two to make an appearance sometimes.

silence | clarity | peace

Saturday, November 25, 2006

bring back that loving feeling... oh-oh that loving feeling

i hope that's what the guy is singing in the song. that is the first title that came to mind when i was thinking of all the things that are circling in my head. i told nathan it feels like a dryer just tumbling these thoughts around and around and around.

i want to say a couple of things. first off is that this is a forum for me to speak my mind freely. and i understand that many of the things on my mind are very much outside the average 'mind status quo'. a friend called the other day and said that i attack everybody and everything on here. i told her that maybe i should post a disclaimer that unless you are willing to risk knowing lots of things that one might not want to know, then it might be best not to read my blog. (you want the truth? you can't handle the truth!!!)

on the heals of that, i want to say that there are not many universal truths. i.e. what is true for me may not be true for you and vice versa. the one UNIVERSAL truth in which i believe without a doubt is that we must love one another.

we had a life group meeting last night. the first one for this group. the title of this group is "the feminine face of God" and we are, of course, a group of women who are coming together to journey into the the balance - key word: BALANCE - between the feminine and masculine qualities of The Deity. why am i telling you this? ... because we are a very diverse group. most of us from a traditional christian background but not many of us still walking that path. my mum was here for the meeting and i feel - [she] as a strong christian woman - she may have been greatly offended by the thoughts expressed. particularly thoughts expressed by me. before last night she never really knew my spiritual journey or where i am at right now. and where i am at right now (i've been thinking about this since nathan took ryan this morning at 6:30 so i could 'sleep in', which i didn't - i THOUGHT in).. anyway i summarise where i am right now by saying that i believe wholeheartedly in the perfect love of Christ and i believe wholeheartedly in the Divine Spirit we call God and that S/he IS LOVE. i believe that human beings are called to reflect this love that is given so gracefully to us, to each other. basically the engaging, the experience and the expression of God/Christ's love. after that, everything is questions. and for me, this is a wonderful place. but i don't think that makes a lot of sense to my mother. i feel she may think that i have gone off the deep end.

i am wrestling with this feeling because i usually only say [to my mother] what i think she will be okay with. and last night was a HUGE moment for me because i was completely honest and now i am nervous about how she will respond. i am trying so hard not to be nervous. i can't find the root of the thought that is causing this feeling. but we'll see how it goes. she got up and walked out silently after the closing prayer and we haven't spoken since then as it was bedtime when all was said and done.

i know that God loves me. right now exactly as i am. i know that none of these thoughts or ideas or questions come as a surprise to Her. i know He can take it. i know that i am SAFE. i guess that is the feeling i want with my mom. that is the feeling i strive to instill in my children. that no matter what, they are safe from judgment with me.

and so are you my sister. so are you my brother.

silence | clarity | LOVE

Sunday, November 19, 2006

some really cool toys

i have offically declared to myself and the world that i want nothing to do with any toy on earth that requires batteries. why, you may ask. well BOTs (battery operated toys) hail from an ideology of play that i do not agree with. (wow, i can't believe how well i articluated that in one go!) anyway - everything about them seems wrong and bothersome. not just to me, to the kids too. the sounds of the recorded voices (shiver), the ridiculous and often interrupted repition of the same thing over and over again. (it's lett.. it's letter time! it's. it's.. it's let.. it's letter t... it's...) you get my drift.

this seems to frustrate the kid who is trying to figure out what the point is. these toys are meant to be "teaching" our kids things. well, my kids dont need to be taught by a BOT and there is nothing under the sun that this self same BOT could teach any child that he couldn't learn through imagination, play and conversation with adults. letters, numbers, shapes - [shaking head, rolling eyes] who's really going to learn math and reading from a BOT? not toddlers.

as far as i am concerned, simple toys made of as much natural material as possible (ixnay on the asticplay and the acrylicay) without too much definition are the best kind. i mean, who hasn't seen a kid get HOURS of enjoyment out of a plain old cardboard box? that's because it can be anything from a house to a car to a boat to a table - to just about whatever the child wants it to be. dress up. pretend play. dolls. these are the things that foster tremendous growth and learning.

all that to say, hey i found this really cool site with some nice toys. (haha). i didn't even mean to spit out that whole spiel there. i just came on to put the link up. but, hey what's a blog for if you can't preach a little in the middle of the night?

and finally the link:

i wish you silence | clarity | peace

Friday, November 10, 2006

News, Weather & Sports [not]

oh hey bob, how're you doing? good. good. wife and kids okay? good. how bout them colts? good to see you bob. take care and give my love to the family...

and on and on the [bs] goes. just stop and think about 90% of the conversations people are having these days. it's all news. weather. sports. we are living in a current affairs society. there is nothing wrong with a news-weather-sports conversation except that, for the most part, it's all anyone is willing to discuss.

the stuff of real life seems to scare people away. no one really wants the honest answer to 'how are you?' these days. no one wants to hear ' well, actually dave, i think my marriage is falling apart and we worried how it will affect the kids.' neither does dave want to fess up that he misses his estranged brother and his heart hurts more every day because of it.

you see what i'm saying? even some of the simple real life stuff is too much for some people. the other day i was at a function and i got into a chat with an acquaintance and when i 'got crazy' (as i often do) and started talking about how difficult it was to adjust to a new social climate with racial and socio-economic tensions she almost tripped and fell as she RAN away from me. i am not being facetious, i think it was just too much for her. these are not the sort of things people should talk about at a party (?? i guess ??). i should have stuck to the weather.

i am just getting to the point where i am tired of pretending. acting like everything is abfab when sometimes - hey, sorry lala land citizens - it isn't! unless you live in a vacuum or a fairy tale, (and even in the fairy tales) you are guaranteed that the shizer is going to hit the fizer at least once for you. it's a guarantee. and if we continue to pretend with everyone all the time, we don't develop the ability to really need someone else to lean on. and for that to be okay.

but being in community is messy. it means that we have to be able to love each other through the shizer. just what God has called us to do. at the end of the day your situation may be different from my situation but sadness or anger or disappointment, even elation - these are all common emotions. i can and i want to be there for you through these things.
thankfully i have been blessed and/or lucky enough to find two friends (apart from dear Nathan) who give me the safe space to be me and i don't feel as though i will be judged by them.

i can't tell you how these women have shaped my simply by being the warm, open, loving arms of God without a hint or trace of judgment. this is how Christ's face is reflected. love your neighbour (no disclaimers or adjectives attached; i.e. not love your STRAIGHT neighbour or love our COMPATRIOT neighbour or love your BLACK neighbour - simply just love your neighbour.) and never stand by and let injustice prevail. do something. and not because it's 'the right thing to do' (that's ridiculous.) do something because you love the person or people upon whom the injustice is being perpetrated. because they ARE your brothers and sisters. (i'd like to note here that i think that if Jesus were walking on earth today, He'd probably be at the forefront of the gay rights movement.) (flinch)

(okay this is turning into a sermon but i just have to finish this thought and then i'm exiting the pulpit stage left!)

... bottom line: the fact is we are all ONE. i don't know how many different ways how many different people can say it but it is a fact. we all emanate from the same Spirit Who is the very breath that keeps us alive. The proper pronunciation of YHWH is the sound of an inhale/exhale. which means that every single person that breathes is calling up on the name of God. are we not then, all the same? brown pink beige yellow man woman rich poor smart not-so-smart gay or straight - we are all born of the same Creator in His and Her image.

i had this wild thought the other day when i was trying to work through my being-comfortable-in-my-skin issues and the thought is this: if we are made in God's image what if when I finally meet Her on the other side of this life, what if She looks just like me? And in the same token, just like you? and to every single person, they would see themselves in this God/Goddess. isn't that wild?

peace | love | love some more

Friday, November 03, 2006

sour grapes and whine

allow me a few minutes to release the reigns of adulthood so that i may drop to the floor to scream and kick, quite unresonably. ready? here goes:

i can't stand this!! today is one of those days when i am absolutely hating the fact that my kids are apparently meant to be living on a bloody farm. why? because they insist - INSIST in a twisting my arm kind of way - on waking up at or BEFORE the crack of dawn EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. (kick, scream, writhe). this is really getting to be too much! i am so TIRED!!! i keep telling myself i only have to keep up with this for thee more years (ish) but man, i am so over it. (i'll throw in a shrill, get-everyone-to-stare-at-you scream here.) you know i have friends whose kids sleep till TEN every morning. but then those kids are up till TEN or ELEVEN every night. what i want to know is: who are these people with the 12hr sleepers? the 8 to 8ers? exactly what kind of ambien for kids are they slipping in their bedtime snack? (bedtime snack. i say that like i give my kids such a thing.)

oh, the farmhands have found me! ryan even thinks it's appropriate to dance and smile with me. the audacity!! the brazeness of this kid. (oh no, i'm falling for it! i'm making smiley silly faces at him. can't stop myself...) *smirk*

okay, whine session over. (getting up and brushing myself off) *SIGH* (relieved sigh, not frustrated sigh).

they are beautiful children. farmhands though they be i LOVE em and i wouldn't trade them for several worlds. :)


silence | clarity | sleep

p.s. i have to confess before i go that some of these 'bad feelings' amount to a little tiny bowl of resentment for my husband because i don't understand why he doesn't think he should get up with them in the week sometimes. yes, i do get ONE day on the weekend. and i AM thankful for that but - in, perhaps too much honesty - i want more.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

all those taking a stand.. please remain seated

good grief. good bloody grief!!!!

how come i (feel like i) have to defend my decision not to celebrate halloween? this seems a bit ridiculous to me. i am not asking anyone to defend what their reasons are for participating. nooooo. how come i am the bad guy for not wanting to encourage my children to celebrate this dark festival, this day of the dead? this is pretty unbelievable. why don't the women who deliberately choose NOT to breast-feed their babies get this much flack? because no one wants to make them feel guilty. well guess what?

if you want to have a say in your life, you have to take responsibility for it.

period. end of story. i am taking responsibility for my children. i am being an intentional parent. i have to make what seems like a zillion decisions every day about how i am going to mother my children. it's exhausting enough - what with the sleep deprivation thrown in too - just doing that, let alone having to turn around and defend and explain it these decisions. WTF???? (which, by the way does not stand for 'wednesday thursday friday', just so you know.) :)

no, i'm not teaching her (them) about halloween. no i'm not teaching her that santa is the almighty present (as in gifts) sugar daddy. no i am not teaching her that easter is about a bunny and or eggs and baskets. no. no. no. and i am not sorry. christmas has become such a bogus holiday it almost makes me sick. Jesus has gotten kicked out of the Wal-Mart sponsored manger and replaced with a big fat cash cow. even the wise men are bring designer gifts. fohgidaboudit! how can i teach them to love their brothers and sisters by getting as much as they possibly can for themselves? i will teach them about saint nicholas who took gifts for those in need. i will teach them that he is known affectionately as santa claus. i might even say that he was given a special magical way of helping out with his reindeer and sleigh and all that. i might. but i will never allow them to believe that christmastime is about getting gifts and forgetting about those in need. absolutely not!

as for easter - well, let me not start on that tonight. i am completely exhausted and i need something hot to drink, a nice quiet shower and my bed.

besides ryan will be up tonight if he's still feeling as sick as he was last night. he is wheezing and coughing so much, poor thing. and he can barely breathe through his nose. :(

i will not sit down for my stand. and i can not, will not apologise for my beliefs. i certainly don't expect that of anyone else.

silence | clarity | strength

Sunday, October 29, 2006

to 'ween or not to 'ween...

THAT is the question.

as most of you (six or so) know, i am jamaican. and when i was growing up, halloween was pretty much unheard of. there was no trick or treating or jack-o-lanterns; there were certainly no costumes and candy! i think i first heard a vague reference to halloween when i was in my early or pre-teens. seriously. and as i got older and evenutally moved to america - land of the 'ween - i decided to learn more about the history and origins of this celebration. (notice, i am not calling it a holiday because holiday is really a contraction of 'holy-day' which halloween most certainly is not).

admittedly, this was quite a while back and i never really took any strong stance on the thing except to say that i didn't think it was really 'for me', as it were. but then when i was working for corporate america in retail i was required to dress up and so wore mouse ears and a tail and drew whiskers on my face. and i thought, this isn't so bad. it's kind of fun to dress up. and the mouse costume survived many more years than i care to admit. (actually i think the ears are still tucked away someplace dark and musty as i type.) then after i moved here (nassau) i got invited to a halloween party and was thrilled at the opportunity to be cool and social and to dress up too! nathan and i went as a puerto rican gangsta and an indian girl (curry spice) and we had a blast.

so as you can see i've been on the fence; rather on both sides of the thing. but now that i have kids and every year it comes up and i try to decide where i stand i end up being sort of wishy washy and doing the costume thing. let me clarify - the first year my friend quickly threw together a long white gauzy dress and i made copper wire & tissue paper wings and lauryn was an angel. the second year i was loaned (loaned?) a bumble bee costume which i didn't end up using because it rained that night. and now it's the third year and i am feel more strongly that i do not want to participate.

i just found this breif history here:

so, we've been invited to a small party for kids and as much as i know i would enjoy the dress up aspect of it, i really feel like the time has come for me to stand somewhere and stay there. and right now i am standing on the side of the fence that does NOT observe this celebration.

i feel this is for me is not so much of a religious decision but more of a parenting mode. i always tell lauryn that monsters are pretend and nothing to be afraid of. i have not discussed ghosts with her but she's heard of them at school i am not prepared at the moment to have this conversation with her about the whole deal. (let's face it, people, weather you've encountered them or not, there ARE spirits out there.) celebrations and festivities for me should be about life and joyful things - not scary, dead, unknowns. (why the jack-o-lantern? and the skulls, the witches etc.?). i can't tell her in one breath there is nothing to be scared of and then in another breath celebrate these self same 'scary' things. feels a bit wobbly to me.

so, not to 'ween. that is the answer. thanks for processing with me.

silence | clarity | peace

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

do not leave children unattended, they may misbehave or destroy things

you know how your friends like to forward you these really funny pictures of kids doing really awful things? and it is so funny because it's someone else's kid. (if you're a mom, however, a small part of you feels sorry for the mother of the child who has just painted his entire room with house paint.) so, yesterday - i became one of those moms. not the one who feels sorry for the other mom but the one who needs the pity. (and, yes, a good laugh too)

let me set the scene: lauryn and ryan are sitting nicely and watching laurie berkner sing about all kinds of fun things. i pop out the kitchen door to tell nathan something and we end up in an interesting conversation. as we are speaking the ears in the back of my head whisper to me every so often: it's too quiet in there. 'but ryan isn't crying,' i answer back. so i go on chatting with my dear husband. about life and business - big stuff. and the voice again "it's really too quiet you should check on them" and foolishly i say again 'but ryan isn't crying so it can't be too bad.' well well well... little did i know about how WRONG i was. this is what i walked in to discover:

so i turned on my heels and did what every good mother would do in a situation like that. i called their dad. prepare yourself for the worst, i said to him. and we walked in together with our jaws hanging open in disbelief. you CANNOT be serious! and they couldn't and nor could we so against our better judgement we started laughing. i mean, what else could i do when faced with this:

you see my dilemma? if you want to see all the photos of the crime scene let me know, i'll gladly share my kodakgallery album with you.

as my MIL would say: oh, life!

silence | peace | patience

Saturday, October 21, 2006

shhh... make a decision quickly and quietly!

the kids are sleeping! (thunderous applause please, but keep it QUIET!) and the clock starts ticking down on my free time. what to do, what to do? the big question that circles round and round when the kids are asleep and i am all alone (nathan is off at the souketmarket): what in the world should i do? should i read? should i check my email? should i sleep too? should i catch up on housework? (NEVER!) obviously, today i decided to blog. (rolling my eyes)

so i am typing with a quiet fear lurking behind me that i will soon hear the weak cry of ryan waking up. i'm even pressing the keys as softly as possible. isn't this ridiculous? but it's a way life for so many moms (am i right, moms?) we so rarely have time alone in silence *in the house* that it's like winning a few thousand - no, several hundred dollars that you have to decide how to spend on one thing.

this morning i was thinking about my decision to pull lauryn from tambearly and i'm already second guessing myself. can you believe it? didn't i just outline to you and me all the reasons why this was the right decision? don't i know that she'll be better off with me doing the stuff our playgroup is doing? isn't she only three and doesn't need to be doing worksheets? yes, yes and yes! so what's the problem? it's the monster i used to call "mommy guilt" but have decided to rename "mommy doubt" which I feel is much more accurate. it's not so much a feeling of guilt as it is wondering if it's the best thing to do. there is a shadow of doubt. the second guessing that begins with conception. am i eating the right things, sleeping enough, getting enough folic acid? is this the right doctor? can i breastfeed? am i eating the right thing? is it too soon for solids? is THE BABY eating the right thing? and on and on and on it goes. where it stops, nobody knows. i mean, good grief!

so i am wrestling with this now. but my gut says it's right. still, i can't help but think about how PUTTING HER IN seemed like the right thing to do too. i wrestled and wrestled with that decision as well. decions, de-bloody-cisions! i wish i could get a direct connect to God with a 'heavenly' version of vonage like Godage or something so i could say Hello, YHWH? please tell me exactly what to do!!!

okay, i have to confess this (at the risk of seeming like i am completely off my nutter). the reason i am having some doubts about this tambearly thing is because i had a dream last night that God spoke to me. and it wasn't weird in the dream (like God speaks to people about their water all the time!). the jist is that i was about to get - actually *catch* - water from the earth (don't ask, it was a dream) to cook rice but the water was a little brownish, sort of off colour but not gross looking. and i saw a pool of clear water nearby and i thought to get that water instead but God spoke and said not to get that water because Adam (meaning man) had tainted it and that even though it LOOKED better, that was not the case. so, use the brown water, God said. ummm, hello??? what is that????? what am i supposed to take from a dream - my first ever - where GOD SPEAKS TO ME?!?! i cannot just pish-posh it. right?

anyway, i'm not changing my mind or anything but i am still hoping to have the meaning of this revealed to me (speaking to You, YHWH). in the meantime, i'd better try to get some reading in. as the little ones are still slumbering even after this epistle. be not silent, friends and readers. (i.e. WRITE ME!!) or at least post a comment.

silence | CLARITY | more clarity

(maybe be more specific in the dream, Lord.)

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Miss Mommy

it's official: lauryn sawyer is now in her mommy's class at unicorn. she really likes it and as it is turning out (so far), she's not too bad to have around after all. i was actually quite surprised today at the level of maturity she displayed with responsibility. she actually took her paintbrush to clean it in the washroom after crafts ... and came back!!! with a clean brush!!! this was quite shocking to the mother-teacher. she's also very good at helping me boss people around - lol. today when one of the kids needed to go to the bathroom for a nappy change, i asked her (since she'd already proven herself responsible enough) to take him to miss dj (our assistant) who was already changing another fella in the bathroom. she even helped this little guy to get his bag and was just about to walk him through the door when miss dj came back. but i know she would've done it perfectly because as soon as miss dj walked in she said "miss dj, soandso needs to be changed," i would like to point out that this child is the same age as her. (purely for show offy-ness, as in wow what a smart kid you have cian. you must be such a fantastic mom!) not to say the other kid doesn't have a fantastic mom or anything... but miss wong did say that lauryn was the 'town crier' in the class. whatever was happening, lauryn could be counted on for an up to the minute report (apparently.)

this really feels like the right decision. and let me tell you why:

1. she's with me (HUGE)
2. she's with me again on wed and thursday.
2. (the real #2) she's doing more hands on stuff
3. i don't have to haul out to sandy port on tues and fridays so i have 2 non-rushy-rushy mornings (that's a technical term).
4. we don't have to 'find' $1300 every 3 months. lisa has kindly given us a very generous discount.
5. she's still so young. 3 days of good play are better than 5 days of schooly stuff.

good reasons, no? don't agree? tough.

if you can't stick by your beliefs, what do you have? and i really really believe that young kids should be playing!!! she has all the time in the world to learn letters and numbers. i mean really, what exactly does she need to be "reading" (emphasis on the air quotes) right now? ' the pre-schooler's guide to being a pain in the butt'? 'how to be adorable all the time' ? 'sharing: the fundamentals' ? really don't think so! the idea the kids can learn to read is so preposterous!!

anyway, next week is a holiday and boy am i heppay!! oh yeah baby. i may not be sleeping in, but i won't be rushing out that's for sure.

okay, i'm rambling... blah blah blah. the sludge-in-my-brain-cogs feeling is getting stronger by the keystroke. i have GOT to get to sleep. immediately. if not before.

silence | peace | more peace

Thursday, October 12, 2006

look out fan, here it comes

well, i've done it. i've done the big, scary thing. i sent a letter to someone very important in my life telling this person how much hurt they have caused over the years. this is very hard to do because the thought of hurting someone i love is almost unbearable to me. but this had to be done. so that i can move forward. i just sent the email and now i am waiting somewhat nervously for it to actually be delivered and read and then for the fallout. more on that later...

in other breaking news, it seems i am deciding to pull lauryn from her school. i've been feeling some angst about the "work" she's been bringing home for a couple of weeks now. i spoke to her teacher and the teacher seems like minded and she assured me that lauryn was only getting these exercises because the big kids got them and then the little ones felt left out so she'd just give them the worksheets for them to colour. (i'm talking match the numeral with the quantities, trace the letter, connect the dots - that kind of stuff.) now, you may or may not know that my very strong philosophy about early learning is that it should ALL be play - painting, playdough, water play, dress up, songs, finger plays, puppet shows and all that. no 3 year old should ever be given worksheets. EVER!! and when i compared what lauryn brought home with what the kids in my playgroup took home today i was sad. my playgroup kids took home multi-colored rice rainbow collages (they actually painted the rice themselves!!), drawings (doodles really) of their nature walk that we went on and a paint and crepe paper collage. we played with cups and floating balls and squeeky toys in the water today. THIS is the kind of stuff i want lauryn to be doing? so i keep asking myself why on bloody earth am i sending her to this $1300 per term montessori (ALLEGED montessori) programme when she could be having a blast with me for a LOT less?! because i'm scared to be her teacher. so i'm going to do a test next week and let her come to school with me to see how our relationship fares and i'm telling you i am inches away from pulling her from tambearly. i am really praying about this one. i'll keep you posted on that too.

funny story of the day: this morning i cooked lauryn her breakfast and brought it out for her. "come for breakfast mommy" i say to her. (i used to call her that all the time) she looked at me and said "did you call me mommy?" not without a hint of indignance, mind you. so i went back in the kitchen to get her milk and when i came back out she was seated at the table and she said "call my name LAURYN" just like that. so i said, "okay, your breakfast is ready LAURYN" and she said "gooooood." it was too funny! because it's exactly how the convo would have gone if the shoe were on the other foot. this girl is just too much.

okay, gray's anatomy is about to start. i must go. thanks for reading and sharing in my journey.

silence | clarity | honesty

Parenting, The Mothership

okay, let me start by saying that anyone who knows me well enough knows that my husband is a close to perfect as they come. my friend's husbands have declared it illegal for their wives to compare them to him. seriously. and all this isn't just hot stinky boasty air. i am saying all this more as a disclaimer than anything else. i.e. love my husband to death, wouldn't change him for the world. that being said...

the thing i have discovered since i first became pregnant... actually even BEFORE that is that just about every thing about parenting is driven (in most cases) by the mother. (the thought occurs to me as i type this whether it has anything to do with the fact that we are the physical vessels by which our offspring enter the world *shrug*) the very act of becoming pregnant usually requires some change in behavior (conscious or unconscious) on the mother-to-be's part. (stop taking/forget to take the pill, removal of an IUD, not requiring the partner to wear a barrier device.. that sort of thing). men don't up and decide to change their diets or health habits when we get pregnant (they don't need to.) then there's the breastfeeding - yes they support and do what they can, but if you nurse exclusively, you'd better believe that's all mom. what can he do?

so the intentional mother is constantly seeking information and analyzing whether things are okay and if not what can she do to help improve it. we are concerned about our children's nutrition, we are concerned about their development, we are concerned about their sleep habits, about their health, their education, we are concerned about their bowel movements!!! and yes, i am not denying that fathers are concerned too. but not the way we are. i rarely meet a mother who is NOT the captain of the Parenting Ship. and if she has a good husband, he makes a good first officer. i have a fantastic husband who makes the perfect first officer but i know that cian sawyer is the captain.

i read everything about what to expect or what to do about discipline, nutrition, education blah blah blah. i say this is what should happen here, there etc etc. for the better part of her life, i was the one deciding what the child would wear (though to be fair to my dear husband, he did try but i usually changed it due to inappropriateness (for weather or occasion usually)).

and these are true for just about every family i know! but this is because men are the hunters. they love their kids but this is not their deal. and they try very hard to make it so but this is not their deal. daddies are the ones who show up to play, support mom when and where he can and to show his kids that he loves them no matter what.

we are, after all, our children's first experience of god. and if we don't show them unconditional love and acceptance, how will they translate this to the deity? and it is my opinion that fathers have a critical role where this is concerned.

you may or may not agree with me but i am inviting comments. i would love a discussion. (esp. if you disagree!)

i might have more to say, but ryan is persistent and i must go!

silence | clarity | peace

Monday, October 09, 2006

another tired post

okay, first of all - that picture i posted in the last log - !!!! kinda big, donchya think? i am fighting the urge to remove it. but this battle runs deep. the whole love yourself thing and don't freak out because you've posted a giant photo of your (albeit not terribly unattractive) self for the entire world to see. (delusions of granduer - only like three people actually come here but still...) anyway, i'm forcing myself to keep it up. it's not like i'll crack the computer screen or anything. (right?)

next thing - damn, i'm still tired!!! what TH? well, i have been getting up at six and going to bed at too-late-to-admit-it for over a week and therefore missing a helluvalot of sleep! (so, what's new?) anyway, this having tuesdays off is wicked bad the best thing i ever decided to do! (work wise, obviously). still i manage to sabotage the self and book all kinds of stuff for that day. tomorrow i agreed to see a client. and i must. poor dear is really having a tough road with the breastfeeding (gasp! shock! dismay even!) note: these sarcastic comments are directed squarely at the soft places of the "medical professionals" who are attennding and orchestrating hospital births not the poor mother who is left to struggle alone afterwards. especially those who like to slice women open for not such good reasons. (well, *sigh* it HAS been 30 whole minutes of labour and i DO have somewhere to be in like seven hours, so let's do what's best for "THE BABY" and get it out of there... scalpel?) what TF??? i am so sick unto death of these bloody doctors!

listen i am going - at some point when i've slept for some six years - to get my butt in gear and fight to have midwife attended births legal again in the bahamas! no shit. this is ri-GD-diculous!! i mean honestly. the other thing i want to do is educate women that we are actually not just vaginas and uteruses (or would that be uteri?) that these doctors can do whatever the hell the want to with. we are thinking, breathing, SCARED, but damed POWERFUL mothers to be who need actual personal care and attention. are not women tired of feeling like we are going through the whole process on a conveyor belt? apparently not tired enough. and what is the damn deal with the elective cesearean birth? women, get back to yourselves! take control of your birth and your mothering!

[*rapidly shaking my head from side to side*] whoa, did i just go there? that was not my intention. i was just planning to complain a bit - no TALK about feeling tired some more. i don't know where that came from! anyway as you can tell i'm pretty passionate about birth and breastfeeding. i imagine this is not the last time i'll climb up on that personal favorite soapbox of mine on this blog. ohhhhh noooo...

blah blah blah.

what i really want to talk about are some INCREDIBLE truths i learned on the weekend at a spirituality retreat (yes the woman who curses in her blog IS spiritual. go figure.) anyway, it was an Anthony Demello - Awareness retreat and man oh man. IN. CRE. DIBLE!!! the basic premise is that being present in your life - actually living in every single moment (not the past or the future) through breath, meditation/prayer - will bring you in touch with the Divine. that our breath is the expression of God's name (YHWH). which as christian says, makes perfect sense that S/He would have a name that transcends every language. (most of the time our thoughts are occupied by the past or the future as in: i will be happy when.. or i would be happy if ___ didn't happen... like that).

they talked about ther being only one commandment in two parts: old testment - love the lord your god with all your heart and new testement: love one another. but that this is not something to *try* to do except by practicing awareness of God each moment and through this developing a love for all of creation and seeing His/Her beauty in every living thing. especially our brothers and sisters. we are really all one. one breath. one creation.

i have zillions more to say about this but i must go. life beckons. (one cannot belabour everything in writing. life must be lived. at this very moment!)

silence | clarity | PRESENCE

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

chopt lox

so after what seems very much like an eternity, I finally got a GREAT haircut!!! See how happy i look about it? all i can say is the cut cost me a thirty dollars and i felt like tipping dear sheena a whole other thirty when she was done. my hair is not the easiest to work with and i a have been a lost, lonely bushy haired soul since justina jetted to the UK over a year ago. honestly, i think the last time i got a proper *style* was about two years ago. i was just preggers with ryan (not even showing yet) so that had to be like what? maybe february of 05? that wasn't two years ago? woah. okay.

to be honest, the cut is a quite a bit shorter than i had intended but i trusted her and the ends were really in bad shape so i told her to run with the scissors and she did and i am one happy camper! i'm sooo heppay! [bad english accent ah la robin hood, men in tights].

well, aside from regular life, this is the highlight of my existence today. i have gobs to talk about but it's late and i must clean my temple (not the house, the body) and get to bed because i have been up since 4:30 this morning. i didn't physically get up till ryan woke up talking at 5:30, but was awake since then nonetheless. *yawn*

good night!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

sacred space

one of my favorite things to do with Lauryn (and has long been) is to read to her. we both really enjoy that time together. it feels a little like a sacred time to me. in those moments when i'm doing silly voices and sharing in the (fun of the) story i feel so connected to her. she sometimes listens quietly, but more often now than before (well the last few months i would say) she's been putting in her thoughts and observations on what's going on in the pictures and with the characters. (she's feeling sad, mommy.) sometimes, if i lose sight of the experience, this gets annoying because there are endless comments being made (wait, mommy don't turn the page! look at this and that and on and on) but then when i am truly present with her i get into that with her too. i delight in her mind, her personality, and her developing sense of empathy and just who she is and who i see her becoming right before my eyes.

we had sort of let the reading before bed routine slip a little - with the chaos of having a new baby and the moving and all that - but we're getting back in to it and i am so glad. as i think about it now, it almost feels like praying. i'm not sure how. but that God-space of simply being in the moment and sharing in the dialogue of the story and my daughter is so (???) real.

sharing these moment together with her (and sometimes the wild boar called ryan), i feel like we are building treasured feeling-memories. know what i mean? you know how sometimes a phrase or vague memory brings back strong feelings of a time and place? like that.

after long days of "lauryn, that's a ONE!!" and "lauryn please put these away, please eat, please listen..." it's nice to unwind with her in such a positive way just before bed. and i've just gotten her this beautiful book of prayers for each day (not the run of the mill stuff, really beautiful prayers. the book is called "give me grace", maybe i can put in an excerpt later...) anyway, we read the prayer each night and that is just frosting on an already delectable treat. so, i will continue to read to and with my amazing three year old and revel in her enjoyment of both written word and her mother's silly theatrics.

silence | clarity | peace

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

cheque please

okay, so i think i've officially decided that i'm done. no more babies. this does make me a little sad when i really think about it BUT (the big jiggly BUT) is that lately when i've been in my day to day life of mothering two young children, it keeps occurring to me that this is a lot of work and i wonder if i really want to do it all over again anytime soon. i just don't think i have what it takes to deal with the tantrums, the waking up at night, potty training, the whole dependence vs. independence stage and all that jazz one more time after ryan. i mean, can i really deal with BEGGING - i said begging folks - BEGGING my child to PLEASE listen to me and do what i'm asking? (a la: Lauryn, PLEASE, I am BEGGING you to go outside to the playmat). am i the only one???? idon'tthinkso. bill cosby even has a whole bit on saying things a billion, zillion, kajillion, fifillion times. (sitdown sitdown sitdown sidown sidown SIDOWN!!)

now, just realise that i'm not saying it's all bad. of course not. i really enjoy my daughter and my son. They are such joyful and beautiful people. I have tremendous amounts of fun with them, especially Lauryn at the moment (not at this moment because she's having to be told no touching the mouse SIXTY TIMES.) *edited to add that i just had to redo the ENTIRE first paragraph because she highlighted and trashed a big chunk of my original thought* [grimace]

i guess i'm just venting because the last few days seem to have been a bit *trying* for me on that level. it just seems so impossible to communicate with her sometimes. i often wonder 'am i speaking english here??" in this, i know i'm not alone. i've heard other moms saying the same thing.

but then she is growing so fast. and ryan too. he's walking for crying out loud. WALKING!! and talking too. lauryn is in school and loving it. and the things she says... kind of makes me want to freeze these moments in little popsicle memories so i can enjoy them again later. now i'm getting emotional. go figure.

anyway, i'm still pretty sure i can't do this one more time. plus i don't know if i have what it takes to remain milkshaken (lactating) like this for more than the next two years - the limit i've set at the moment. i.e. i'm prepared to nurse ryan till he's three and then that will be it for me. [sigh]

so that means i better really be present in every single moment with these babies because i will not walk this road again. i don't want to miss even the flutter of a wing. so this was good for me. as usual.

silence | clarity | peace

Thursday, September 21, 2006

i'm sorry, what?

what was i saying?

so it's been a long longgggggg day and after mothering, teaching, mothering, shopping, baking etc, i finally had a moment to sit here and type.

i was just deciding on the title of my holier-than-thou rant about the way we are parenting these days and i heard it. the crack of a cry in the not so distance. baby ryan needed me. and so, i answered. milk in tow.

so of course, what happens to a tired person (adult, i mean) who lies down in a dark room in silence? right you are. i was off to la la land. i soon resurfaced here in anti-la la land to discover my son still 'drinking' but not so much drinking as playing with the straw. so i waited and plotted and made my escape.

i still have the strong soap box feelings about my *original* topic but alas, time has passed (and quite a bit of it) and i must clean this body and put it directly in the bed in the dark in the silence. tomorrow is, after all, my son's 1st birthday. (parallel universe me is rejoicing as i type, but this me is way too tired for but a little tiny 'yaaay').

so, my husband is walking around brushing his teeth now and it's my cue to exit stage right. well, techinically left. unless my back is turned....

silence | clarity | peace

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

keeping up appearances

i sat in my living room today and slowly looked around the whole room and i was overwhelmed.

omg - how does anyone ever have a completely clean house all the time??? is this even possible when you have two kids and an actual life? (and no home-helper i mean.) i mean really - the window sill was lined with crayola paint and painting accoutrements, the 'median' is covered with random objects: books, mags, camera, out of use PDA... then there was the ironing board right there covered with clean, folded laundry waiting to be put away (i wish to high heavens that i could pull a mary poppins on those bad boys). what else? toys strewn all over the playmat. it seems to me that the toys are spring loaded (with invisible bloody springs, mind you) and as soon as you put them away and turn around they just spring out all over the place. kind of like toy popcorn. ridiculous. my newly acquired old cloth nappies sat neatly folded and piled on the coffee table, a variety of lauryns cups had snuck into quiet unseen places (okay like 2, but still) and let's not talk about the lego pieces that CAN NOT stay in the bucket.


i just can't keep up. who can??? i guess i could push and push myself to get everything perfect everyday but not really no. as i sit here, the little voice is reminding me that there is also a large mish mosh of clothes in bags and boxes that need to be sorted and given away or chucked. (i give a sideways shoulder glance hoping they will feel guilty and sort themselves out.) i have an imaginary nanny who would help me with the kids sometimes except she's usually off that day. (Oh Lupe, can you come hold baby ryan a minute, please?) i think i might need to hire and imaginary home-helper who would come and wash those dishes and clothes, but she'll be on a permanent holiday too. (boy i wish hortense was coming in today!)

*another sigh*

just needed to vent. i'll get over it. i have to. cause i sure ain't marry bleeding poppins.

silence | clarity | peace
(speaking to myself)

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

i still cannot believe how tired i am

i didn't even go to work today and i totally CRASHED when i lay with lauryn for her to go to sleep again tonight!! good grief. i want to think there's something physically wrong with me but i just had a complete physical two weeks ago and got an A minus. so i really am just that sleep deprived. hey, three years of waking up what? about 4 times a night? no, not waking up; being WOKEN up several times a night. if it were any other situation, that would legally be deemed torture, right? man do i miss my stay-shut eye.

a word to all those wanna be parents - MOTHERS - out there: sleep. sleep now!! sleep like ridiculous amounts and times of the day. have a nap immediately after you wake up. seriously. SLEEP!!!!!!!!! i'm not kidding. time's a-wasting. stop reading this and sleep.

that's some good advice. zzzzzzzz

i cannot believe how tired i am today

it's my second week of school. and i can NOT believe how completely exhausted i feel. it's 12:27 am tuesday and the only reason i am awake is because i had to get up to shower.

just wanted to post a quick note. i actually fell asleep mid sentence, mid story when putting lauryn to bed at - no BEFORE eight o' clock! i remember i would start talking then stop and lauryn would keep waking me up till eventually - not long, really - we both passed out (she was just as tired). i was even starting to insert weird thoughts about someone putting in a bid (i was trying to tell the cinderalla story).

how i remember any of this is beyond me. but i just had to share.

must... go... to... bed...

Sunday, September 17, 2006

being ok in one's own skin

one of the things, just below spirituality, i would say that i strive to communicate/model/teach my kids in the course of parenting them is to be comfortable in their skin(s?). this is something many people, including me (big time) are pursuing as adults. and yes, i feel this is a natural course of growth and maturity, but i think it can be made easier by instilling a deep abiding security in our kids.

i really really want to be ok with myself and i'm working on that. but i've just had a few big conversations with two of my dearest friends in the world, one of them being my husband and the other being dts (cch, you too but you weren't here!) - and i am realising just how many unresovled "issues" i still have. and these convo's are leading me to - or i should say *causing* me to search for the reasons of the factors tha could or could not be behind all this. (is this making any sense???)

let me just come out and say it - being dark skinned and rubenesque are proving to be very difficult parts of myself to really embrace and LOVE. at any given point, in a room full of women, i invariably compare my size to everyone elses. in a room full of light skinned people that i don't know, i will most definitely feel a little uncomfortable and shifty inside. slightly inferior too. a double whammy for me is being a in a large group of light skinned, slimER women. (Note: by 'light skinned' i mean caucasian but i'm trying to steer away from calling people black or white because there are no such people.)

i realise that these are wholly and soully my OWN ISSUES. this has nothing to do with all these innocent people who would dare be thinner or lighter skinned than me.

all this to say, buck it, i am going to make dammed sure that my daughter (and son) know that no matter what - NO MATTER WHAT - they are beautiful people who deserve just the same as everyone else because we (all human beings and living beings for that matter) are all a part of the same whole.

yes i realise that they will face some 'adversity' on this 'in the real world' - but the fact is even if they wobble, the foundation will already be there. they will haved learned through experience about the god within and god without and recognise that they too are co-creators with Him/Her and that they are valued simply for being.

doesn't this hit the right tone? it's not perfect, but it's a start. and i guess all i need to do now is to open myself up to the same lessons i intend to share with my kids so that *i* can recognise my own value in the universe no matter how i look.

silence | clarity | love

Saturday, September 16, 2006

2nd Week of School

So it's Friday night and Lauryn has finished up her second week of school. I hesitated at typing the word 'school' because it just seems so inappropriate to me that my three year old is going to 'school'. This is not what I had idealized. The school is good. Lauryn is super happpy and I am second guessing. Is this the right thing? Should she have come to my group? (I am running a 3-day a week playgroup for pre-school aged children whose mums aren't quite ready to have them in proper school yet.) So do you see my dilemna? I feel like you might be reading this and saying 'well why didn't you just keep her with you?' But when I made the decision (way back in June) to go back to work part time in the fall - to be very frank - one of the reasons behind that was the fact that I felt desperately like I needed to have some time *away* from mothering. I feel so guilty admitting that. Like that makes me some sort of bad mom or something.

Anyway - i digress (as usual). She goes to a Montessori group with a broad age range (from 3 to 6 i think) and she is loving every single moment of it. When I go to get her, I have to pry her from the class. And it's been this way from the very first day. This makes me feel like I have done the right thing and that I've done most of 'the right things' up until this point because she IS so confident. But who knows? What if that has nothing to with what I have done, so much as it's just who she is? And then there's having my just about to turn one year old son being looked after (very lovingly) by someone else. Does this make me a crappy mom too? My friend DTS and I always talk about this village. That we are not meant to mother in isolation. So this leads to us feeling like we need a break from our kids. So this translates to work outside the home. (To be fair to myself, though - a major reason I took this position was that I really needed to know that when I want to go and visit my parents in their respective countries, the $ would be there for that to happen. Not going to see my folks just IS NOT an option for me. The end.)

All that to say what? It's the end of the 2nd week in school for me and my daughter. And the end of the 4th week of 'other mothering' for my son. And what I need to say to myself is that - dammit - I'm doing the very best that I can, and it seems to be working.

silence clarity love

Popping my Blog Cherry

Okay, it's my first ever weblog. (insert streamers and confetti here). I am a mother of two. My first is Lauryn. She's turning three on Monday (9/18) and my second is Ryan (hence the blog name) and he's turning one on Friday (next week - 9/22). I've been very happily married to my best friend, Nathan, for eight years and we live in the Bahamas. That's where he is from. I, on the other hand, am from Jamaica.

But I perhaps I digress... If you're reading this, you're probably friends or family to whom I know I will send a link immediately after posting this. If you aren't one of those two - cool! I've been a SAHM since Lauryn arrived but have just returned to work part time facilitating a 3-day a week play group for 2.5yr (+) year olds. This was my first week and it was not too bad. But I don't have Lauryn with me, she's going to a Montessori group half days. And Ryan is being cared for by my one of my bestest friends Home-Helper. (I will belabour my feelings on that in another blog).

Well, I do want to talk about life with a pre-schooler in the classic independent vs. depedent stage but I will have to save that for another date. It's 9:55 and I must be getting to bed. (This process will take me an hour considering I have the kitchen to clear up, the lunches to pack and my body to clean. *sigh* it really never ends...)

wishing you silence, clarity and love