Thursday, September 28, 2006

sacred space

one of my favorite things to do with Lauryn (and has long been) is to read to her. we both really enjoy that time together. it feels a little like a sacred time to me. in those moments when i'm doing silly voices and sharing in the (fun of the) story i feel so connected to her. she sometimes listens quietly, but more often now than before (well the last few months i would say) she's been putting in her thoughts and observations on what's going on in the pictures and with the characters. (she's feeling sad, mommy.) sometimes, if i lose sight of the experience, this gets annoying because there are endless comments being made (wait, mommy don't turn the page! look at this and that and on and on) but then when i am truly present with her i get into that with her too. i delight in her mind, her personality, and her developing sense of empathy and just who she is and who i see her becoming right before my eyes.

we had sort of let the reading before bed routine slip a little - with the chaos of having a new baby and the moving and all that - but we're getting back in to it and i am so glad. as i think about it now, it almost feels like praying. i'm not sure how. but that God-space of simply being in the moment and sharing in the dialogue of the story and my daughter is so (???) real.

sharing these moment together with her (and sometimes the wild boar called ryan), i feel like we are building treasured feeling-memories. know what i mean? you know how sometimes a phrase or vague memory brings back strong feelings of a time and place? like that.

after long days of "lauryn, that's a ONE!!" and "lauryn please put these away, please eat, please listen..." it's nice to unwind with her in such a positive way just before bed. and i've just gotten her this beautiful book of prayers for each day (not the run of the mill stuff, really beautiful prayers. the book is called "give me grace", maybe i can put in an excerpt later...) anyway, we read the prayer each night and that is just frosting on an already delectable treat. so, i will continue to read to and with my amazing three year old and revel in her enjoyment of both written word and her mother's silly theatrics.

silence | clarity | peace

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

cheque please

okay, so i think i've officially decided that i'm done. no more babies. this does make me a little sad when i really think about it BUT (the big jiggly BUT) is that lately when i've been in my day to day life of mothering two young children, it keeps occurring to me that this is a lot of work and i wonder if i really want to do it all over again anytime soon. i just don't think i have what it takes to deal with the tantrums, the waking up at night, potty training, the whole dependence vs. independence stage and all that jazz one more time after ryan. i mean, can i really deal with BEGGING - i said begging folks - BEGGING my child to PLEASE listen to me and do what i'm asking? (a la: Lauryn, PLEASE, I am BEGGING you to go outside to the playmat). am i the only one???? idon'tthinkso. bill cosby even has a whole bit on saying things a billion, zillion, kajillion, fifillion times. (sitdown sitdown sitdown sidown sidown SIDOWN!!)

now, just realise that i'm not saying it's all bad. of course not. i really enjoy my daughter and my son. They are such joyful and beautiful people. I have tremendous amounts of fun with them, especially Lauryn at the moment (not at this moment because she's having to be told no touching the mouse SIXTY TIMES.) *edited to add that i just had to redo the ENTIRE first paragraph because she highlighted and trashed a big chunk of my original thought* [grimace]

i guess i'm just venting because the last few days seem to have been a bit *trying* for me on that level. it just seems so impossible to communicate with her sometimes. i often wonder 'am i speaking english here??" in this, i know i'm not alone. i've heard other moms saying the same thing.

but then she is growing so fast. and ryan too. he's walking for crying out loud. WALKING!! and talking too. lauryn is in school and loving it. and the things she says... kind of makes me want to freeze these moments in little popsicle memories so i can enjoy them again later. now i'm getting emotional. go figure.

anyway, i'm still pretty sure i can't do this one more time. plus i don't know if i have what it takes to remain milkshaken (lactating) like this for more than the next two years - the limit i've set at the moment. i.e. i'm prepared to nurse ryan till he's three and then that will be it for me. [sigh]

so that means i better really be present in every single moment with these babies because i will not walk this road again. i don't want to miss even the flutter of a wing. so this was good for me. as usual.

silence | clarity | peace

Thursday, September 21, 2006

i'm sorry, what?

what was i saying?

so it's been a long longgggggg day and after mothering, teaching, mothering, shopping, baking etc, i finally had a moment to sit here and type.

i was just deciding on the title of my holier-than-thou rant about the way we are parenting these days and i heard it. the crack of a cry in the not so distance. baby ryan needed me. and so, i answered. milk in tow.

so of course, what happens to a tired person (adult, i mean) who lies down in a dark room in silence? right you are. i was off to la la land. i soon resurfaced here in anti-la la land to discover my son still 'drinking' but not so much drinking as playing with the straw. so i waited and plotted and made my escape.

i still have the strong soap box feelings about my *original* topic but alas, time has passed (and quite a bit of it) and i must clean this body and put it directly in the bed in the dark in the silence. tomorrow is, after all, my son's 1st birthday. (parallel universe me is rejoicing as i type, but this me is way too tired for but a little tiny 'yaaay').

so, my husband is walking around brushing his teeth now and it's my cue to exit stage right. well, techinically left. unless my back is turned....

silence | clarity | peace

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

keeping up appearances

i sat in my living room today and slowly looked around the whole room and i was overwhelmed.

omg - how does anyone ever have a completely clean house all the time??? is this even possible when you have two kids and an actual life? (and no home-helper i mean.) i mean really - the window sill was lined with crayola paint and painting accoutrements, the 'median' is covered with random objects: books, mags, camera, out of use PDA... then there was the ironing board right there covered with clean, folded laundry waiting to be put away (i wish to high heavens that i could pull a mary poppins on those bad boys). what else? toys strewn all over the playmat. it seems to me that the toys are spring loaded (with invisible bloody springs, mind you) and as soon as you put them away and turn around they just spring out all over the place. kind of like toy popcorn. ridiculous. my newly acquired old cloth nappies sat neatly folded and piled on the coffee table, a variety of lauryns cups had snuck into quiet unseen places (okay like 2, but still) and let's not talk about the lego pieces that CAN NOT stay in the bucket.


i just can't keep up. who can??? i guess i could push and push myself to get everything perfect everyday but not really no. as i sit here, the little voice is reminding me that there is also a large mish mosh of clothes in bags and boxes that need to be sorted and given away or chucked. (i give a sideways shoulder glance hoping they will feel guilty and sort themselves out.) i have an imaginary nanny who would help me with the kids sometimes except she's usually off that day. (Oh Lupe, can you come hold baby ryan a minute, please?) i think i might need to hire and imaginary home-helper who would come and wash those dishes and clothes, but she'll be on a permanent holiday too. (boy i wish hortense was coming in today!)

*another sigh*

just needed to vent. i'll get over it. i have to. cause i sure ain't marry bleeding poppins.

silence | clarity | peace
(speaking to myself)

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

i still cannot believe how tired i am

i didn't even go to work today and i totally CRASHED when i lay with lauryn for her to go to sleep again tonight!! good grief. i want to think there's something physically wrong with me but i just had a complete physical two weeks ago and got an A minus. so i really am just that sleep deprived. hey, three years of waking up what? about 4 times a night? no, not waking up; being WOKEN up several times a night. if it were any other situation, that would legally be deemed torture, right? man do i miss my stay-shut eye.

a word to all those wanna be parents - MOTHERS - out there: sleep. sleep now!! sleep like ridiculous amounts and times of the day. have a nap immediately after you wake up. seriously. SLEEP!!!!!!!!! i'm not kidding. time's a-wasting. stop reading this and sleep.

that's some good advice. zzzzzzzz

i cannot believe how tired i am today

it's my second week of school. and i can NOT believe how completely exhausted i feel. it's 12:27 am tuesday and the only reason i am awake is because i had to get up to shower.

just wanted to post a quick note. i actually fell asleep mid sentence, mid story when putting lauryn to bed at - no BEFORE eight o' clock! i remember i would start talking then stop and lauryn would keep waking me up till eventually - not long, really - we both passed out (she was just as tired). i was even starting to insert weird thoughts about someone putting in a bid (i was trying to tell the cinderalla story).

how i remember any of this is beyond me. but i just had to share.

must... go... to... bed...

Sunday, September 17, 2006

being ok in one's own skin

one of the things, just below spirituality, i would say that i strive to communicate/model/teach my kids in the course of parenting them is to be comfortable in their skin(s?). this is something many people, including me (big time) are pursuing as adults. and yes, i feel this is a natural course of growth and maturity, but i think it can be made easier by instilling a deep abiding security in our kids.

i really really want to be ok with myself and i'm working on that. but i've just had a few big conversations with two of my dearest friends in the world, one of them being my husband and the other being dts (cch, you too but you weren't here!) - and i am realising just how many unresovled "issues" i still have. and these convo's are leading me to - or i should say *causing* me to search for the reasons of the factors tha could or could not be behind all this. (is this making any sense???)

let me just come out and say it - being dark skinned and rubenesque are proving to be very difficult parts of myself to really embrace and LOVE. at any given point, in a room full of women, i invariably compare my size to everyone elses. in a room full of light skinned people that i don't know, i will most definitely feel a little uncomfortable and shifty inside. slightly inferior too. a double whammy for me is being a in a large group of light skinned, slimER women. (Note: by 'light skinned' i mean caucasian but i'm trying to steer away from calling people black or white because there are no such people.)

i realise that these are wholly and soully my OWN ISSUES. this has nothing to do with all these innocent people who would dare be thinner or lighter skinned than me.

all this to say, buck it, i am going to make dammed sure that my daughter (and son) know that no matter what - NO MATTER WHAT - they are beautiful people who deserve just the same as everyone else because we (all human beings and living beings for that matter) are all a part of the same whole.

yes i realise that they will face some 'adversity' on this 'in the real world' - but the fact is even if they wobble, the foundation will already be there. they will haved learned through experience about the god within and god without and recognise that they too are co-creators with Him/Her and that they are valued simply for being.

doesn't this hit the right tone? it's not perfect, but it's a start. and i guess all i need to do now is to open myself up to the same lessons i intend to share with my kids so that *i* can recognise my own value in the universe no matter how i look.

silence | clarity | love

Saturday, September 16, 2006

2nd Week of School

So it's Friday night and Lauryn has finished up her second week of school. I hesitated at typing the word 'school' because it just seems so inappropriate to me that my three year old is going to 'school'. This is not what I had idealized. The school is good. Lauryn is super happpy and I am second guessing. Is this the right thing? Should she have come to my group? (I am running a 3-day a week playgroup for pre-school aged children whose mums aren't quite ready to have them in proper school yet.) So do you see my dilemna? I feel like you might be reading this and saying 'well why didn't you just keep her with you?' But when I made the decision (way back in June) to go back to work part time in the fall - to be very frank - one of the reasons behind that was the fact that I felt desperately like I needed to have some time *away* from mothering. I feel so guilty admitting that. Like that makes me some sort of bad mom or something.

Anyway - i digress (as usual). She goes to a Montessori group with a broad age range (from 3 to 6 i think) and she is loving every single moment of it. When I go to get her, I have to pry her from the class. And it's been this way from the very first day. This makes me feel like I have done the right thing and that I've done most of 'the right things' up until this point because she IS so confident. But who knows? What if that has nothing to with what I have done, so much as it's just who she is? And then there's having my just about to turn one year old son being looked after (very lovingly) by someone else. Does this make me a crappy mom too? My friend DTS and I always talk about this village. That we are not meant to mother in isolation. So this leads to us feeling like we need a break from our kids. So this translates to work outside the home. (To be fair to myself, though - a major reason I took this position was that I really needed to know that when I want to go and visit my parents in their respective countries, the $ would be there for that to happen. Not going to see my folks just IS NOT an option for me. The end.)

All that to say what? It's the end of the 2nd week in school for me and my daughter. And the end of the 4th week of 'other mothering' for my son. And what I need to say to myself is that - dammit - I'm doing the very best that I can, and it seems to be working.

silence clarity love

Popping my Blog Cherry

Okay, it's my first ever weblog. (insert streamers and confetti here). I am a mother of two. My first is Lauryn. She's turning three on Monday (9/18) and my second is Ryan (hence the blog name) and he's turning one on Friday (next week - 9/22). I've been very happily married to my best friend, Nathan, for eight years and we live in the Bahamas. That's where he is from. I, on the other hand, am from Jamaica.

But I perhaps I digress... If you're reading this, you're probably friends or family to whom I know I will send a link immediately after posting this. If you aren't one of those two - cool! I've been a SAHM since Lauryn arrived but have just returned to work part time facilitating a 3-day a week play group for 2.5yr (+) year olds. This was my first week and it was not too bad. But I don't have Lauryn with me, she's going to a Montessori group half days. And Ryan is being cared for by my one of my bestest friends Home-Helper. (I will belabour my feelings on that in another blog).

Well, I do want to talk about life with a pre-schooler in the classic independent vs. depedent stage but I will have to save that for another date. It's 9:55 and I must be getting to bed. (This process will take me an hour considering I have the kitchen to clear up, the lunches to pack and my body to clean. *sigh* it really never ends...)

wishing you silence, clarity and love