Friday, January 18, 2008


i just re-read my post below and realized i managed to make myself sound like i magically morphed into the perfect parent over-paragraph. (NAAAAT!!!)

just this morning is yelled out the door "JESUS H. CHRIST LAURYN! GET INSIDE NOW!!!

i felt i needed to clarify that. and also to confess that i've moved from calling ryan "baby jesus" to calling him "baby pontious pilate". not good.

holy mary, buddah, allah, jah, jehovah, yeshua - everybody! - pray for me now and at the hour of my yelling. amen.

Parenting Is ... (i've got it all figured out, donchayknow?)

my close friend and co-mother deborah and i were talking about the uphill struggle(s) of parenting small children. and we asked questions that were mostly rhetorical but actually stumbled on some helpful answers that came to us from whom i will call our "spirit guides".

she asked "why does anyone actually have children?" and the answer that came to me even as i spoke the words in response was this: (now you have to imagine the clouds parting and god-light rays shining down upon us as we stood, somewhat forlorn and tired in the doorway talking)

it is the most tangible way to change the world.

(and cut!) the angels stopped their otherworldly chorus.

okay so it's not the most brilliant bloody answer in the world, but it helped a little.

the second question was how much of the actual mechanics of parenting was meant to be enjoyable. you know: the ridiculous before-god wake ups, the packing of lunch (picture any mom standing in front of the fridge/cupboard trying to figure out what to put in the box TODAY), the night waking, the tantrums, the baths and unpredictable dinner service (will he eat THIS no? okay. yogurt?), the whole nine yards. how much of that does the average mom enjoy?

well, let me be francesca: not that much.

i like the parts where there are kisses and hugs, laughter and fun, adventures and funny quotes. i like the bonding of nursing my children. i like watching them discover. i sometimes like baking and/or cooking with Lauryn (when i'm not yelling at her about what it really means to HELP MOMMY, dammit!) that kind of stuff.

so i said (queue angels and god-light): that parenting is like farming. a whole lotta waking up at dark thirty. a whole lotta manual labor. sweat of your brow, that kinda thing. a whole lotta watching over and tending to. and then there are the bountiful rewards. the beauty of fresh and perfect. the moments when you know why the dark thirty - or just accept it. the times when the sound of whining and bodies hitting the floor in frustration are far, far, far away from your thoughts. when you child laughs and your heart sings.

so keep on farming and changing the world one hug at a time.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

one too many

even though i don't actually feel like i'm dying, i keep thinking that i feel like i'm dying.

today has been the last in a long line of difficult days spanning the last - oh, three or four years. they've not been all in a row mind you. or else i would most definitely be ashes by now. just this was a hard one.

i feel heavy inside like someone snuck up and attached rocks to the shoe laces on my heart. but why? why?

to be honest it's just one of those days where parenting feels like a continuous uphill struggle. one of those days with two, possibly eight too many meltdowns and tantrums. one too many times when i wondered 'how the hell are we going to pay for that?' one too many times when i felt like i'd suddenly been plopped in the middle of no-trucking-where and left with two screaming toddlers attached to my legs. one too many moments where i felt like one person cannot possibly be needed this (GD) much.

i wish i had the answers. i wish i knew everything. i wish parenting could be downloaded into my head. i wish i had enough to pay for the things i think i need. like four new tires and a mechanic to look at that awful bumping sound the car makes when you veer left.

jesus this is hard. but just today. just today.

for me, this has been one hard day too many.


i am gonna pull up my bootstraps (or laces or whatever the hell - maybe shoe buckles, or really stick that velcro closure, that would be the easiest option) and do it all again tomorrow. with vim and vigor. with grace and love. with the knowledge that i have everything i need to do right now. and that that is all i really need.

deep breath in.

and out.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

hi, i'm mary and these are my baby jesuses

i have to preface my story by saying that i believe that jesus was some special kinda guy. to say the least. i really think his whole message was "look, this (pointing at himself) is YOU! no, really." that is to say, we are all jesus. we all have that potential. so in that light, i have taken to calling my children - my son in particular - baby jesus.

the reason i do that is because he is actually very difficult to not kill sometimes. i've called him a great many names, but i think that calling him 'baby jesus' will really help me to preserve his well being.

i mean... you know those times when your two year old son .. (hmm? what's that? you don't have a two year old son? my bad. (god it must be nice to have your sanity though, isn't it)).. ehem, as i was saying: you know thos times when MY two year old son grabs every single soliatary thing he can reach (including bottles, remotes, dish brushes, KNIVES, that kinda thing) and runs off and then throws it down on the floor? or when he pulls his sister's hair and grabs the toys she's TRYING to play with just to aggravate her (oh yes, he's calcuating). or when he just says mommy about 367,295,235 times a minute. OR the times when he knocks you - i mean ME - squarely in the eye with his knee or head? well, it's times like those - especially two or three of those random incidents in a row or all together at the same time - that just, well, let's say cause me to have "unhappy" thoughts about my son.

however since the very inspired idea, i have found that i can look below the evilness and see that there really is a pure love underneath it all. i'm sorry, did i say "evilness"? ha ha. silly me, i mean to say "very developmentally appropriate toddler behavior". slip of the fingers there.

though, i'm not sure how helpful it is when i call him 'crazy jesus' under my breath...