Tuesday, January 15, 2008

one too many

even though i don't actually feel like i'm dying, i keep thinking that i feel like i'm dying.

today has been the last in a long line of difficult days spanning the last - oh, three or four years. they've not been all in a row mind you. or else i would most definitely be ashes by now. just this was a hard one.

i feel heavy inside like someone snuck up and attached rocks to the shoe laces on my heart. but why? why?

to be honest it's just one of those days where parenting feels like a continuous uphill struggle. one of those days with two, possibly eight too many meltdowns and tantrums. one too many times when i wondered 'how the hell are we going to pay for that?' one too many times when i felt like i'd suddenly been plopped in the middle of no-trucking-where and left with two screaming toddlers attached to my legs. one too many moments where i felt like one person cannot possibly be needed this (GD) much.

i wish i had the answers. i wish i knew everything. i wish parenting could be downloaded into my head. i wish i had enough to pay for the things i think i need. like four new tires and a mechanic to look at that awful bumping sound the car makes when you veer left.

jesus this is hard. but just today. just today.

for me, this has been one hard day too many.


i am gonna pull up my bootstraps (or laces or whatever the hell - maybe shoe buckles, or really stick that velcro closure, that would be the easiest option) and do it all again tomorrow. with vim and vigor. with grace and love. with the knowledge that i have everything i need to do right now. and that that is all i really need.

deep breath in.

and out.

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