Thursday, November 30, 2006

i have the right to choose

sometimes i forget that i am not really obligated to anything. sometimes i say that i don't have a choice. but the fact is that i do. and for this i am very thankful.

i am choosing to nurse my toddler. i am choosing to work part-time to earn some extra income (to afford me more choice, by the way). i choose to stay or go. i choose to keep my children in bed with me. (well, lauryn in the room in her own bed). i choose to keep lauryn in my playgroup . (well, maybe i don't get to choose whether i want to be up at FIVE or SIX AM most mornings, but still i choose - usually - to be present with my children even though i'd much rather turn on the drug box (TV) and let them babysit themselves while i rest (phew, that was a long one!)). i choose to spend almost too much money on organic dairy so that lauryn will not need a bra at age 5. (or so i hope).

i choose all these things and more. and i take responsibility for my choices. i must. i want, after all, to have a say in my life.

so tonight, even though i have lofty yearnings to ponder st. nicholas at christmas or peggy o'mara's incredible editorial in this month's magazine, the sleep rests heavily upon my shoulders and my lids so i must answer it's intoxicating call and leave my thoughts at this: thank Goddess for the right to choose. may we all be able to recognise and actualize this gift that is inherently human. (my prayers for my brothers and sisters who cannot.)

silence | clarity | peace

Sunday, November 26, 2006


a friend emailed some comments about my BOT rant. she very kindly disagreed with my outright banishment of all BOTs. and so, i thought i would post my response. reason being that i didn't really *think* too hard about what i wrote. i was just spewing out my *feelings* on the toys. really, i was just posting to share the link to the nice wooden toys. then i got all huffy (as i usually do) about the BOTs and renounced the whole lot. so, here is my response:

about the BOTs, i agree that some of them have their place. but i personally will not spend any money on any of them. if they are given to us by well meaning loved ones, i weigh out the pros and cons and decide whether it's worth keeping. and whatever i do keep, when the batts die, i do not replace them. we did get one of those Fisher Price rock and roll pianos for lauryn for her 1st b-day and it's still going strong. serves as a quick 5 minute respite for ryan sometimes but he's not too interested most of the time. things like containers and lids, bottles and their caps, building blocks, stackers - those seem to hold his attention more. [but in all fairness, he seems to be much more of a 'techy' baby than lauryn was]

i guess my problem with BOTs - aside from my personal bother - is that i think most parents get them as babysitters. an alternative to actually being with their child(ren). so maybe i'm judging the toys and the parents too harshly (?)

i'm not interested in teaching my toddler/pre-schooler phonics or things like that. i'm not interested in having a battery operated bear "read' stories to my kids. i'd rather show up the best i can and let's talk about stuff. (wow, look at that tree! is that an ant? how many stones did you find?) - okay sorry this is turning into a blog entry!! (LOL)

you get my drift though. they aren't all evil, but they are kind of like the candy/junk food of toys - sure i'll have a few but i'll keep it to a minimum! few and far between...

end quote (slightly modified).

my take away message (unsolicited advice, that is) then is pretty clear, i guess: get good toys as much as you can and allow a BOT or two to make an appearance sometimes.

silence | clarity | peace

Saturday, November 25, 2006

bring back that loving feeling... oh-oh that loving feeling

i hope that's what the guy is singing in the song. that is the first title that came to mind when i was thinking of all the things that are circling in my head. i told nathan it feels like a dryer just tumbling these thoughts around and around and around.

i want to say a couple of things. first off is that this is a forum for me to speak my mind freely. and i understand that many of the things on my mind are very much outside the average 'mind status quo'. a friend called the other day and said that i attack everybody and everything on here. i told her that maybe i should post a disclaimer that unless you are willing to risk knowing lots of things that one might not want to know, then it might be best not to read my blog. (you want the truth? you can't handle the truth!!!)

on the heals of that, i want to say that there are not many universal truths. i.e. what is true for me may not be true for you and vice versa. the one UNIVERSAL truth in which i believe without a doubt is that we must love one another.

we had a life group meeting last night. the first one for this group. the title of this group is "the feminine face of God" and we are, of course, a group of women who are coming together to journey into the the balance - key word: BALANCE - between the feminine and masculine qualities of The Deity. why am i telling you this? ... because we are a very diverse group. most of us from a traditional christian background but not many of us still walking that path. my mum was here for the meeting and i feel - [she] as a strong christian woman - she may have been greatly offended by the thoughts expressed. particularly thoughts expressed by me. before last night she never really knew my spiritual journey or where i am at right now. and where i am at right now (i've been thinking about this since nathan took ryan this morning at 6:30 so i could 'sleep in', which i didn't - i THOUGHT in).. anyway i summarise where i am right now by saying that i believe wholeheartedly in the perfect love of Christ and i believe wholeheartedly in the Divine Spirit we call God and that S/he IS LOVE. i believe that human beings are called to reflect this love that is given so gracefully to us, to each other. basically the engaging, the experience and the expression of God/Christ's love. after that, everything is questions. and for me, this is a wonderful place. but i don't think that makes a lot of sense to my mother. i feel she may think that i have gone off the deep end.

i am wrestling with this feeling because i usually only say [to my mother] what i think she will be okay with. and last night was a HUGE moment for me because i was completely honest and now i am nervous about how she will respond. i am trying so hard not to be nervous. i can't find the root of the thought that is causing this feeling. but we'll see how it goes. she got up and walked out silently after the closing prayer and we haven't spoken since then as it was bedtime when all was said and done.

i know that God loves me. right now exactly as i am. i know that none of these thoughts or ideas or questions come as a surprise to Her. i know He can take it. i know that i am SAFE. i guess that is the feeling i want with my mom. that is the feeling i strive to instill in my children. that no matter what, they are safe from judgment with me.

and so are you my sister. so are you my brother.

silence | clarity | LOVE

Sunday, November 19, 2006

some really cool toys

i have offically declared to myself and the world that i want nothing to do with any toy on earth that requires batteries. why, you may ask. well BOTs (battery operated toys) hail from an ideology of play that i do not agree with. (wow, i can't believe how well i articluated that in one go!) anyway - everything about them seems wrong and bothersome. not just to me, to the kids too. the sounds of the recorded voices (shiver), the ridiculous and often interrupted repition of the same thing over and over again. (it's lett.. it's letter time! it's. it's.. it's let.. it's letter t... it's...) you get my drift.

this seems to frustrate the kid who is trying to figure out what the point is. these toys are meant to be "teaching" our kids things. well, my kids dont need to be taught by a BOT and there is nothing under the sun that this self same BOT could teach any child that he couldn't learn through imagination, play and conversation with adults. letters, numbers, shapes - [shaking head, rolling eyes] who's really going to learn math and reading from a BOT? not toddlers.

as far as i am concerned, simple toys made of as much natural material as possible (ixnay on the asticplay and the acrylicay) without too much definition are the best kind. i mean, who hasn't seen a kid get HOURS of enjoyment out of a plain old cardboard box? that's because it can be anything from a house to a car to a boat to a table - to just about whatever the child wants it to be. dress up. pretend play. dolls. these are the things that foster tremendous growth and learning.

all that to say, hey i found this really cool site with some nice toys. (haha). i didn't even mean to spit out that whole spiel there. i just came on to put the link up. but, hey what's a blog for if you can't preach a little in the middle of the night?

and finally the link:

i wish you silence | clarity | peace

Friday, November 10, 2006

News, Weather & Sports [not]

oh hey bob, how're you doing? good. good. wife and kids okay? good. how bout them colts? good to see you bob. take care and give my love to the family...

and on and on the [bs] goes. just stop and think about 90% of the conversations people are having these days. it's all news. weather. sports. we are living in a current affairs society. there is nothing wrong with a news-weather-sports conversation except that, for the most part, it's all anyone is willing to discuss.

the stuff of real life seems to scare people away. no one really wants the honest answer to 'how are you?' these days. no one wants to hear ' well, actually dave, i think my marriage is falling apart and we worried how it will affect the kids.' neither does dave want to fess up that he misses his estranged brother and his heart hurts more every day because of it.

you see what i'm saying? even some of the simple real life stuff is too much for some people. the other day i was at a function and i got into a chat with an acquaintance and when i 'got crazy' (as i often do) and started talking about how difficult it was to adjust to a new social climate with racial and socio-economic tensions she almost tripped and fell as she RAN away from me. i am not being facetious, i think it was just too much for her. these are not the sort of things people should talk about at a party (?? i guess ??). i should have stuck to the weather.

i am just getting to the point where i am tired of pretending. acting like everything is abfab when sometimes - hey, sorry lala land citizens - it isn't! unless you live in a vacuum or a fairy tale, (and even in the fairy tales) you are guaranteed that the shizer is going to hit the fizer at least once for you. it's a guarantee. and if we continue to pretend with everyone all the time, we don't develop the ability to really need someone else to lean on. and for that to be okay.

but being in community is messy. it means that we have to be able to love each other through the shizer. just what God has called us to do. at the end of the day your situation may be different from my situation but sadness or anger or disappointment, even elation - these are all common emotions. i can and i want to be there for you through these things.
thankfully i have been blessed and/or lucky enough to find two friends (apart from dear Nathan) who give me the safe space to be me and i don't feel as though i will be judged by them.

i can't tell you how these women have shaped my simply by being the warm, open, loving arms of God without a hint or trace of judgment. this is how Christ's face is reflected. love your neighbour (no disclaimers or adjectives attached; i.e. not love your STRAIGHT neighbour or love our COMPATRIOT neighbour or love your BLACK neighbour - simply just love your neighbour.) and never stand by and let injustice prevail. do something. and not because it's 'the right thing to do' (that's ridiculous.) do something because you love the person or people upon whom the injustice is being perpetrated. because they ARE your brothers and sisters. (i'd like to note here that i think that if Jesus were walking on earth today, He'd probably be at the forefront of the gay rights movement.) (flinch)

(okay this is turning into a sermon but i just have to finish this thought and then i'm exiting the pulpit stage left!)

... bottom line: the fact is we are all ONE. i don't know how many different ways how many different people can say it but it is a fact. we all emanate from the same Spirit Who is the very breath that keeps us alive. The proper pronunciation of YHWH is the sound of an inhale/exhale. which means that every single person that breathes is calling up on the name of God. are we not then, all the same? brown pink beige yellow man woman rich poor smart not-so-smart gay or straight - we are all born of the same Creator in His and Her image.

i had this wild thought the other day when i was trying to work through my being-comfortable-in-my-skin issues and the thought is this: if we are made in God's image what if when I finally meet Her on the other side of this life, what if She looks just like me? And in the same token, just like you? and to every single person, they would see themselves in this God/Goddess. isn't that wild?

peace | love | love some more

Friday, November 03, 2006

sour grapes and whine

allow me a few minutes to release the reigns of adulthood so that i may drop to the floor to scream and kick, quite unresonably. ready? here goes:

i can't stand this!! today is one of those days when i am absolutely hating the fact that my kids are apparently meant to be living on a bloody farm. why? because they insist - INSIST in a twisting my arm kind of way - on waking up at or BEFORE the crack of dawn EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. (kick, scream, writhe). this is really getting to be too much! i am so TIRED!!! i keep telling myself i only have to keep up with this for thee more years (ish) but man, i am so over it. (i'll throw in a shrill, get-everyone-to-stare-at-you scream here.) you know i have friends whose kids sleep till TEN every morning. but then those kids are up till TEN or ELEVEN every night. what i want to know is: who are these people with the 12hr sleepers? the 8 to 8ers? exactly what kind of ambien for kids are they slipping in their bedtime snack? (bedtime snack. i say that like i give my kids such a thing.)

oh, the farmhands have found me! ryan even thinks it's appropriate to dance and smile with me. the audacity!! the brazeness of this kid. (oh no, i'm falling for it! i'm making smiley silly faces at him. can't stop myself...) *smirk*

okay, whine session over. (getting up and brushing myself off) *SIGH* (relieved sigh, not frustrated sigh).

they are beautiful children. farmhands though they be i LOVE em and i wouldn't trade them for several worlds. :)


silence | clarity | sleep

p.s. i have to confess before i go that some of these 'bad feelings' amount to a little tiny bowl of resentment for my husband because i don't understand why he doesn't think he should get up with them in the week sometimes. yes, i do get ONE day on the weekend. and i AM thankful for that but - in, perhaps too much honesty - i want more.