Thursday, December 31, 2009

midnight blog snack

it's one oh seven AM. my kids and husband are sound asleep. so is the dog. and prolly the cat.

i am awake greedily devouring the silence in my house. so maybe it's more of a midnight feast. mm mmm good. i am half enjoying it.. well, more like 90% enjoying it and 10% fretting about the fact that is my rotation on the wake up tomorrow. :(

but it's worth it. sitting here and not being called. sitting here just sitting here.


there is a part of me that feels the need to explain away any possible appearance or perception on your part of ungratefulness for my kids. pish posh. i don't have to do that. you already KNOW i love my kids truly madly deeply. so... no. go to bed guilt monger! or at least have the decency to STFU at this hour of the morning. thank you.

so, where were we? oh yes. me stuffing myself to the rafters with the clock ticking and the air moving. me stuffing quiet into my pockets, my bra, my ears. me holding my nose and staying under as long as possible in this silence.

ohhhhhhh it is soooooo goooooooood.

that 10% worry factor grows with each tic toc however and to bed i must go. i now have about 6hrs of sleep to get. likely less with the 5.30am internal alarm with no reset button to be found. not even a stinkin snooze for crying out loud.

anyway - silence. me likey.

just going to pour some in my hair and brush my teeth with it and then it's off to bed for me.

munch munch swallow swallow burp. taste goooooooood....

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

a word is worth a thousand pictures

addicted to facebook as i am, it's given me a little ap that calculates the words most frequently used in my status updates this year. and status updates there were many. obviously i was totally unconscious that there would be some sort of word analysis software available at year's end and i am thankful for the results.

that is, the words i used most frequently provide an albeit rough sketch of the way i experienced the year. or is it possible that when i felt like crap i didn't post it? i doubt it because i'm usually pretty honest. usually.

the word "off" may seem a bit odd at first but that is me saying we or i am "off" to (do) this or that or the other. so it means we were "off" a lot! and i like that.

maybe 2009 has been a killer of a year financially, but thank God the hard parts were nicely cushioned between the good stuff. the stuff that matters, that counts.

and so i give you my own personal most frequently used (on facebook) in two thousand and nine:

1):happy - used 49 times
2):love - used 35 times
3):home - used 30 times
4):good - used 29 times
5):off - used 29 times
6):kids - used 28 times
7):thankful - used 25 times
8):great - used 24 times
9):today - used 24 times
10):feeling - used 22 times

i wish us all much happiness and love in our homes. good times and adventures. i wish our children voices that are heard and valued and meaningfulness in their beings. i wish us all gratitude. and may all our todays be great!

these things i wish for us all in two thousand and ten.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

the way we were ... er... learn

as lauryn gets older and i become more ... (what's the word? i know!)... and i get older, i start to see the parallels between us and i can't help but wonder if in some cosmic blessing-as-joke kind of way, i am not getting the chance to raise myself, as it were.

i may or may not have mentioned before that she abhors, detests, cannot stand being told what to do. it's like splashing cold water on a hot griddle. so inasmuch as i can afford her that luxury, i attempt more, well, gentle ways of inviting her to do things. this way we all have a much better experience.

it's taken me kind of longish to realize that - (sheepish demeanor here) - i feel the same way. (i have a particular disdain for arbitrary - read: stupid and pointless - rules.)

the other thing is that she also resists any form of direct instruction/teaching. any scenario that involves me using too many words to impart knowledge invariably ends with me noticing her glazed, distant eyes, trailing off and then abruptly (but not at all bitterly) changing the subject or plain old shutting up. she'd much rather find things out for herself. instead of me telling her about white blood cells, it was far better to watch the video animation (after video animation, after fun, interesting video animation) of how they work. instead of me telling her how to sound words out, it was and has been far better to give her the tools and let her decipher the code of written word for herself.

it's taken me kind of longish to realize that - (you, guessed it: sheepish demeanor here) - say it with me: i feel the same way too.


now isn't that better?

why yes. yes it is.

which causes me to wonder if i was as dreamy and loam fairy-like as she is. was i the kid who may have had feet on the ground but rarely had my head engaged in any thoughts about nitty gritty stuff like "reality"? rather, Other People's dull, boring, completely irrelevant to my experience Realities.

lauryn and i appear not only to be cut from the same cloth - but cut from the very same Bolt. mine has been patterned and cut and that's for the best.

but lauryn.

she gets a chance to find her own pattern, or not (!!). she gets to take her fabric and run with it. she has a rare and wonderful gem of an opportunity to do it frank sinatra style:

her way baby.

i watch her learn and i learn more every single day about the way both of us - alike but individuals - learn best. in revealing her self to me, she is gifting me in profound ways with glimpses into parts of my own, yet-unknown self.

i am conscious to watch for the potentially stifling pit fall of thinking she is me. of thinking i can somehow re-live my own history through her. this is Definitely Not About Me. sure, i get some speaking parts, but i'm not the lead in her story - She is. and, lucky for me, i have been given the role of producer.

this. this is a magnificent place to be. a wondrous (and i believe on going) experience of discovery of so very much that there is to learn out there.

and, equally (possibly more) important, in Here.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Activism 101

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
Press Release - Bahamas joins Global CandleLight for Climate Change
submitted by cian sawyer

As many people are aware, world leaders are in crucial talks during the next two weeks at the climate change conference in Copenhagen. This is a critical time in our history and environmental groups around the world are underscoring the need for ambitious international environmental policies to be formulated and implemented.

In a unique effort to tell our leaders that the world wants "The Real Deal" over 2,200 groups in 132 countries will be standing together in a Global Climate Vigils on Saturday December 12th, 2009 at or around 5.30pm (local time). Internet-based international activist group, - The World In Action, is orchestrating this initiative and helping groups coordinate their efforts. (

Organizers, cian sawyer and Margot Bethel will be hosting the only vigil in The Bahamas and one of the few vigils being held in the Caribbean. Their intention is to join in the global effort, create awareness in our local community and to send a message to our own government that climate change is a relevant and fundamental issue that must be addressed if we are to move forward as a nation. Regionally speaking, we will be lighting candles and standing together with our neighbours: the Domican Republic, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

The locally named Candlelight for Climate Change is being held this Saturday, December 12th at 5.30 pm in front of The Hub - easily identified by a "Think Green Bahamas" mural - on Bay Street. The group will meet, light candles and share information then walk down to Rawson Square and back to The Hub. Participants in the vigil can feel a part of something larger and profoundly significant, knowing that they are one of possibly tens of thousands lighting candles together around the world. Parents are being encouraged to include their children, as this movement is ultimately about the well being of theirs' and future generations.


Also - This link is for a relevant article that is being published internationally in many languages in news sources around the world. If you haven't already published it, I encourage you to do so.

Monday, November 30, 2009

go with the flow, experts say

i experience my emotions like a hapless swimmer being sucked under and out by the sneaky, silent riptide. gayly bobbing on the surface enjoying the cool of the water against my skin, i think everything is fine. everything is great. perfect. maybe i'm watching the kids play in the sand on the beach, maybe they're snacking in the shade. it is such a delightful day. and, oh my god, how much do i LOVE this water so pretty and clear.

wait, what's that?

then in a heartbeat i'm being pulled - no. sucked into this invisible current that lurks just beneath the surface.

don't panic, they say. go with the flow, the say. panicking and swimming against the current will only tire you out and then you'll be too weak to stay above the surface. and then you'll be - to put it kindly - a goner. so go with the flow. let it take you out and exhaust itself and then you can swim parallel to the shore line and back in.

to belabor this metaphor even more, i have to wonder out loud how it is that i can possibly permit myself to free float into feelings that have no names. i know how to run, er.. swim screaming in the other direction from a shark, even a massive-almost-tidal wave but this. this? it feels too scary to let go. to not-struggle against it. to not push and push and push my way toward the sand where happiness plays.

and yet it is unavoidable. i'm already caught. do these feelings have to have names for me to let them come and let them go? without trying i find that exhaustion comes labeled and easily identifiable. and this turns out to be more than enough to persuade me to relax and go with the flow. to let them carry me knowing - now that i've been told by the Experts - that they will let me go. and i will be free to australian crawl my way back toward safety. toward happy feelings. to sunshine and sandcastles.

even so i can't help but notice that the overwhelming tiredness from the experience makes me feel like i'm dragging a boat behind me.

this is how i experience my emotions. just under the surface, strong and fast. it doesn't mean there is always a silent, invisible monster lurking right there. or here. but when they come, these feelings, they come like rip-tides; like thieves; like a sudden, violent storm. and then they're gone.

and now i am going, going,

Thursday, November 12, 2009

ouch. i'm thenthetive.

no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to let go of the one or two comments, the three or ten looks that people have burned me with about how i'm a bad parent because i don't know how to control my son. i've talked about it, processed it, rationalized it but for some reason can't seem to get over it and/or let it go ...all the way.

sooo whenever i'm around people i get a little - antsy? protective? hyper-aware, maybe - of how people are interacting with my son and how people are interacting with me interacting with my son. the breeze just has to nudge the person's face just so and i am smarting on the inside. after a little bit of that, i start doing exactly the thing that i abhor and taking it out on him when i what i really need to do is say 'back TF off, OK?' to the offending party.

i won't go into the elongated version of the diatribe where i talk about how people who don't have exuberant, vim-infused, kinesthetic children have no idea what it's like. in fact, that sentence is the equivalent of the short version. and i don't want one more person to tell me that he's 'just being a boy'. there are millions - no BILLIONS - of boys in the world and all of them are not like each other. all of them are not like my son. as a matter of a fact there are girls who are like ryan. other boys who are like ryan (of course) so the qualifying criteria is not, in fact, anatomical possession of a penis and testicles (or parts thereof).

these are the children that go to school, don't fit in, and end up on ritalin or some such bloody nonsense because people need to label children to cover for the colossal inadequacy of the system. these are the children that get drugged into a drunken stupor that makes them appear to behave "properly" or like other "normal" people. poor, unfortunate souls, as Ursula the sea witch would say.
and while i cannot categorically deny the existence of an actual condition of A.D. anything, i can most assuredly say that i think most of it is bullshit. i am entitled to my opinion and i like it so i'm keeping it especially because i'm right. but my rightness is not what this particular commentary is about.

i can guarandamntee you that if ryan were to attend a regular school and merrily demonstrate his unwillingness (notice i did not say inability) to sit still for the boring drills and pointless memorization these people are subjected to, he would be labeled quicker'n you cin say "SIT DOWN!"

if his way of being is just him 'being a boy' then all boys - like 99% anyway - would get diagnosed, prescribed and medicated.

my stance on the matter doesn't mean that i don't know that your average XY chromosome carrier will more likely want to move his body quite a bit more than your average double Xer.

but with ryan and others like him, it's more than that. more than a desire to climb things while he "watches" tv. (watches tv ... laughing to myself.) it's more than a need to constantly be climbing on anything or any Person (read: me) at anytime. more than a literally insatiable primal urge to hit and destroy things and pose in any number of alleged karate poses while employing and inventing the use of a vast array of invisible assault weapons at all times. i'm not even kidding...or exaggerating.

i find that most people, whether it is a result of my inability to convey or articulate, do not understand this. many people think he needs more "discipline". (i need to let you know that as i typed that, my eyes fell down into the back of my throat, they rolled that far back.) this same 'many people' group either do not have their own children (best givers of parenting advice!) or have uber docile sloth-like children or are maniacal control freaks that have already beaten the spirits out of their own previously Spirited Child. this list is actually one of all the people who have told me about my wanton lack of parenting skills both with their words and their faces.

so you'll have to excuse me if i am a bit thenthitive about my precious boy (only i'm allowed to think he's trouble. nobody else. not really. if you get him, you're allowed but i have to know that you really do get him first.) who Ryan or any of these kids like him is is a truly Spirited Person who knows how he feels, knows what he needs, knows whom to tell about it and is completely Unafraid to do so. how many people can say that?

sure he gets carried away and hits people (namely his sister), grabs things, breaks things, annoys the living Heaven ("heaven" here is personally interpreted as closeness to the Divine) out of me (literally!) but he is still only FOUR. i've been here exactly eight times as long as he has and i still haven't figured out how to stop myself from doing things that i know are not necessarily "great" for me (and sometimes even for other people). so i re-iterate: F-O-U-R: four!

this is the spiel i'd like to spit like nails at the people who tense up and make the body language comments; whose eyes looking for resting places that don't convey their internal monologue of judgment; the people who outright make stupid freakin' comments about his "behavior". either the spiel or good solid whack to side of their heads.

but instead, i feel hurt and frustrated and tired of all of it and i get mad at ryan for being who God made him to be.

so help me, God, to find the words, the ways, the Loving responses to all the parties involved - including me.

but maybe i'm praying the wrong thing. maybe i need to be asking for a wide open heart that provides unconditional acceptance of things that seem hard to bear. and possibly, just maybe those things will have a whole new look.

all the while, staying pretty much the same. which is what it is and is Precisely (i do not use this word lightly) what it needs to be.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Todle Osum Stuff by LaurYn Saoyr

Driven purely by her own interest, Lauryn has taken to spelling words out phonetically, or should I say "funetikale"? She just finds her way to her desk and writes and writes and writes the words that mean something to her.

The greatest fun - besides witnessing her personal discovery of the written word - is figuring out how to pronounce her "funetik" spellings. But some of them are pretty straightforward, like "OPIN".

She also has a tendency to write right to left, and sometimes in mirror image. Stop diagnosing. She's fine. She's SIX! Keep your labels to yourself, please. Thank you! This one - one of the first - says: William Lauryn Scary Movie (SCREE= Scary, MO-OOVE - above = Movie) and it has the scary movie in progress.

She's made a birthday card for our friend Sam and it includes some Originals like "Braoonez" (Brownies) and "Olcates" (All Cats) as well as voluntary copying from the cake mix box.

I don't correct her. I pronounce her words to the best of my ability. And if she asks how to spell a word, I tell her. But she really enjoys saying the sounds out loud to herself and then putting them down on the paper.

I enjoy it too.

Like the way she spelled my name in this one:

And today she spelled "OLUVUS" for All Of Us.

This won't last very long. It will only be a few minutes before I am marveling at her spelling things 'properly' and trying to remember some of the quirky spellings she had.

The very Bestest part of all - the melted chocolate in the centre, the gold star on my worksheet, pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the spring of any discontent i may ever experience - is that

i get to be Here to see it all!!!.

THAT is how lucky i am! Lucky Lucky Lucky!

This is so TODLE OSUM!!!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

parenting in the dark

okay, so you've heard me talk a lot about 'home schooling' my kids. i say this to everyone. in any given social situation the question arises: where do your kids go to school?

- oh, we homeschool.
- um.. my kids are homeschooled.
- well... they don't really go to school, we ...homeschool.

these are the sentences i use to tell people that i haven't chosen the same thing as them. that i might possibly be weird. (possibly?? come ON, we know that i'm weird!) that at least on some level, i do not agree with "everybody else".
i always hesitate. i always have a pause - from a nano second to a few beats - before i answer the question which is Exactly the way i answer when people ask me how long i nursed my children.

- err, umm. well... two and a half years ...??? (almost a question). then i shrink into my space as a way of apologizing for doing what i wholeheartedly believe to be Good and Right and True and Normal and Natural for my children and my family.

i'm sorry that i didn't accept the status quo. accept my apologies for asking questions about doing things because 'that's the way they've always been done' and a bunch of random not-so-fine people merrily confess to having had/done all this stuff and 'turned out just fine'.

i apologize because:

my son has an Intact penis.
my children have not been vaccinated
they slept in bed us.
yes, we actually still all sleep in the same Room (grimace.)
i not only gave my children my own human milk but we also practiced 'extended' nursing.
reading and math? jeez no, sorry i am letting them play ... a lot! as much as they want. (kinda all the time really - double grimace)

and yes, sorry i homeschool.

no. that's a lie. i unschool. (holding my breath waiting for the attack...)

so. why so apologetic? i Do Not Know. is i that i feel bad for people who might be offended that i appear to be judging their choices because i made different ones?

why yes. yes, actually. that's it!

and while it's true that there was a time when i did judge people who didn't breastfeed (sorry!), or people who seemed to me to be making uninformed choices, or people who i thought were 'torturing' their children by sending them to a school they children obviously hate, or whatever. it's true. i did.

thankfully, however, i have let go of my need for rightness, superiority, better-than-you-ness. (bye-bye, complex!) (c'mon. cut me some slack here, i am admitting to some horrible things and admitting to letting them go!) .... (well, for the most part anyway)

processing this out loud now i am realising that i don't want people to think that my decision to do The Other; the strange; the completely un-thought-of, the rarely witnessed is not a way for me to say that i think their choices are bad. so who says it's that much about Me, anyway? you want to know what's Actually about me? stuff that's has to do with me. (NO!!!!) if people are walking away wondering what kind of commentary on their life my life is - that's about Them - Not Me. and they may need to wave goodbye to their complex too.

this means that i don't have to keep parenting in the closet. being sheepish about doing what i deeply believe to be good and right and true for my family. i can Unapologetically carry on staying home (rather, going OUT) with my children, having a blast, witnessing them grow into and out of their beings every day. maybe they won't be "normal" adults.

but neither am i. and i really like that about myself.

what's so great about 'normal' anyway (whatever the hell that is)?

actually, i know that i am equipping them to find their own way and to decide what is good for them. what kind of reality they will weave for themselves. what kind of normal or weird works best for them. even This is not about me. ...ultimately, anyway.

i'm turning the lights on and i'm saying out loud:

i am Different and i'm Proud!

(ahem... now i just gotta tell my parents what i really mean when i say i'm "home schooling").

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Of Carriages and Queens

The Highlight of our adventures last week was our downtown jaunt that began with a wish, was drawn by a horse and finished with a queen!  Deborah and I took Lauryn, Sage, Ryan and Grace to the Surrey Ride stand (after overcoming the parking obstacle) to hire ourselves our very first carriage!  It was an interesting experience just arranging the ride with a great deal of unknowing and vaguery.  Where do we stand?  Who's taking us? How much is it?  Just wait here.  A white horse is coming.  Find out the price from the driver.  15 minutes and a few new interesting-to-me-but-not-the-kids facts later - cha-ching! - 35 bucks!  But with those smiles, it was totally worth it!  They really loved being in a horse drawn carriage.  Even Ryan liked it (which is shocking considering the fact that it didn't involve home, computer use, or playing with his favorite pal, "Little Willy"). Afterwards we dragged them through town (woe is them) for some interesting sights and sounds.  We saw 'baby' lawyers celebrating their new lives as white wig and black robe wearing legal counsel.  We visited the Nassau Public Library (formerly known as the Nassau Gaol some one hundred years ago) and got a wonderful view from the top.  We counted out the eight sides of the octagonal building and, satisfied that they were right, we headed back down to earth from the towering three storey high edifice.  After that we even popped in for a visit with Grandma Sawyer at her place of work where the kids got to be the source of Gramma's Glowing Pride and Joy! After much adieu we made our way back toward our car but not without stopping by for a photo op with Queen Victoria who abolished (what does abolished mean, mom?) slavery in 1891.  (I didn't talk about slavery with her/them as they didn't ask and I wasn't ready to go there with them.)  But the picture with the queen who did away with something bad - that was cool!  (For our friends in foreign lands, the pink building in the background is the house of parliament where our elected officials do whatever it is they do - which doesn't seem to be too much.) All in all, with the visit to the Humane Society, Pool days, fun at Mr. Pretzel's, the Downtown Day Out and Halloween Pumpkin Carving and candy fun, it was a great week!  What'd we learn?  A thousand and one nameless things and much, Much more.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

what is real life?

you know what's funny? people talk about how children "need" to go to school to learn how to live in "the real world" but nothing about the way your average school is operated is anything like my real life. (one i am told i am lucky to have and which, indeed, i am Very Thankful for. but this is available to many people with the ability to choose it, but that's another blog post.)

what is this alleged "Real Life"?

real life is fully integrated, rather than divided into subjects (baking cookies is not about math and reading comprehension, it's about making cookies.). real life happens all the time (24hrs a day) and people (whether they know it or not) have a choice about what they do when they do it. in real life everybody doesn't know all the same things just because they are the same age. in real life everybody doesn't need to know everything and be "well rounded". no one thinks accountants should know about biology or french. no one expects nurses to spout off calculus facts, solve quadratic equations or random pieces of information about history at any given time.

in real life people learn the things they need to learn when and HOW they need to learn them. in real life, even though someone may know more about something than me, it doesn't make it okay for them to treat me like with contempt and/or disrespect. in real life, i am responsible for myself. i make decisions and live with the results and learn (and grow!) from my mistakes. in the real world i am not a bad person because i don't know something and people don't test me on what i know to decide what to think of me (and if they do, those aren't the kind of people i would choose to be around!)

whatever this 'real world' is that school is supposed to prepare people for, it's not what i want for my children. i don't want them to learn that one person has all the answers, that they are simpletons incapable of discovering things for themselves, that they are less than people who know more about something than they do, that they have no valid opinion, that when a bell rings it's time to go to work or time to stop. that a person's worth lies entirely in their performance. that people don't get to do the things they are passionate about because other people don't approve.

but let me shift that too the positive point of view:

i want my children to trust themselves. i want my children to understand how they learn best and what works best for *them* and to know how to teach themselves whatever they want to learn. i want them to find their passions and pursue them. for them to connect with living beings as equal citizens of the planet, like them. for them to have a broad worldview. for them to feel free from the confines of harmful social constructs (socio-economic delineations, popularity contests, fitting in because it's easier).

maybe it sounds like i'm saying that all children who go to school will learn all these things. it's not what i am saying. people (children in this case) who feel gotten and supported and encouraged to find their own path at in their home environment can navigate the traditional school system taking what they need and leaving what they don't. lots and lots of wonderful, world changing people have come from school. LOTS!

and lots and lots of wonderful, world-changing people have come from un- or de-schooled backgrounds too.

just think about what percentage of what you "learned" in school you use today; right now. Parallelograms? Literature? Chemistry? of the parts that you do use, what could you have learned without being coerced anyway?

school isn't the be all, end all. school and academics aren't the recipe for success. academics can and do change the world, to be sure. but even Hitler was educated. as were the doctors and nurses that created and maintaned those heinous gas chambers.

everything good happens within the framework of Love. for me, that is the real world. real life. Love is.

Love is. only Love only Love

only Love.


Monday, October 26, 2009

Rhythm is Gonna Get Ya... um, Me

Looks like we are finding a sort of inhale-exhale rhythm to our life as unschoolers. Of course, now that I've said that everything will change immediately.

Very early on my path toward where I am now, I read a Waldorf Book that talked a lot about life having a natural rhythm. This had a profound impact on me and I fully embraced that concept. Not to get into it but the author spoke about how before technology the rhythms of our lives were more closely aligned with the earth's. Even the way and time we did laundry, prepared meals etc.

Of course, a domestic goddess I Am Not. (I am in the thick of making peace with that.) So though the idea of an ebb and flow of life sat well with me, and the ideology of our lives being more integrated with nature's clock seemed very logical to me, I found that I tried and failed at creating (read: forcing) the kind of rhythms the author talked about in the book in my own day to day experience.

Once I let it go, however, I was able to see that my life did in fact have it's own predictable patterns, routines, ways of being. Maybe I didn't do laundry every Tuesday and bake pies every Thursday, but I did go to mommy group every Monday, hang out with friends every Friday, and we went to supermarket on Saturdays. Things like that. Then I went back to teaching part time when Ryan was one and it wasn't long before I realized that that was just Not going to work for me to leave my babies in other hands when they were still so young. So they soon came with! And for three years, they came with me to play-group thrice a week. And we had yet another - albeit externally driven - rhythm to our lives.

This September, when we jumped back into this way of life - this one in which we were untethered to the calendar or clock (huzzah!!) - I had a feeling we would find ourselves in our own natural in/out, go/stop, high-energy/low-energy ebb and flow in our hours, days, weeks. Even though we weren't actively looking for it, I knew we'd find it. And find it we did! Eureka!!

Over the last month to six weeks, we have expanded into alternating inhale-, exhale- weeks. That is to say a week full - i mean chockoblock - of activity; putting miles and miles on the car going from one adventure to the other, followed by a week of quiet, mostly in or close-to-home activities. I can't tell yet if I'm driving that or the kids or all three of us. But I do find that most Monday mornings after busy week, busy weekend, we are all three moving slowly and feeling low-key. And that soft, quiet atmosphere kind of eases into the days (and nights) that follow; settling over our bodies and even the furniture like a soft blanket and then - poof! - like magic, the next week we all get charged up and ready to go again. Suddenly the air is crackling, lots of things are calling to us, and we trying to find wiggle room to fit more things in.

Saying these things and re-reading them makes me smile. It fills me with gratitude and joy; knowing this is our life.

And yes, it may change. If it does, it doesn't matter... as long as we are happy. Here are some of the pix from our fun and beautiful sights from today.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Shopping as Economics 101

Finally took the people today to spend their birthday loot from their great grandma: $25 a piece. Standard, universal birthday gift from this well loved Granny. :)

We first popped into a small mom-and-pop type store selling "Educational materials and toys". Though I typically resist (subtext : detest) anything labeled as "smart" or "educational", i had gone in earlier this week with Lauryn and we found ourselves exclaiming at many, many cool things and we decided together to go back for the Big Birthday Shop. So we started our morning there, spending much of our time oohing and aahing; Lauryn marketing all the things she might like to have access to but not enough to spend her money to actually buy it, to Ryan. I fended her off on his behalf and he managed to find a super cool dinosaur puzzle book. Each page had a different category and the photo was it's own puzzle. He poured and poured over the book so much so that I encouraged him to spend his money on that. He was keen and we bought it. Lauryn, however, didn't want anything badly enough to part with her cash, so we left for another store.

The second store, fancy and 'rich-up' as it was, was less 'mom-and-pop-y' and more 'wealthy-business-owner-y' but still small and not too overwhelming. She picked up toy after toy after toy and either couldn't afford it or was unwilling to spend her money on it. I could see her weighing the cost/value ratio with the things that fit within her budget. Meanwhile back at the ranch, Ryan was LOUDLY playing with a great many stretchy-dragon, miniature car, molded dinosaur, chinese dragon puppet and anything else that was within reach and could possibly be imagined to shoot lasers and attack other things and people. (chwk! chwk! "I CHOOSE... PURPLE DRAGON! and GREEN DRAGON!!... (loud unspellable grating noises here)" Then the toys he chose would merge (he would actually kinda squeeze them together) and become a single, more powerful unit. We would battle. And I would lose. Every time. And yes, I totally played with their toys with him 'cause I knew that we were not "using up" any of the toys' inherent fun or harming the toys in any way.

And still Lauryn roamed.

She finally came to the conclusion that no, this store wasn't the right place; didn't have the right thing either. I asked if she wanted to go to the other conglomerate Toy Store. She agreed but was quick to point out that they also had "supplies for grown-ups" too.

I won't bore you and tell you how LONG we spent in the stuffed toy aisle and then even 10 million times longer in the Barbie sections. But it was LONG. Verrrrry long. I mean LONG-ONG-ONG-ONG-ONG. A revolving dialogue of Can I afford this? No. This? No. This? No. Aw MANNNN! This? Okay- anything more than twenty five is too much because that's what you have. Okay.

...So, can I afford this?

Not too long there after she kinda figured it the pricing thing out. How much is this? $40. Oh, too much. Is this one 38? Yes. Oh, too much. She was soon reading off all the prices and declaring whether they were too much or if she had enough. And after many long hours I finally heard it: Mom, this (fancy Barbie) is only 10 dollars!!! (me) NO WAY!! Nothing's that cheap in this store!

Off to the scanner we trooped and she was right! Then she soon found a PONY - a DISNEY PRINCESS PONY for TWELVE DOLLARS. I was like No Way that's right. And it was!!! So she got TWO things for UNDER $25 in The Conglomerate!

She was pretty proud of her buy! She loved giving the money to the cashier herself and toting her own big shopping bag (no, sorry not the reusable kind. I forgot it!) to the car. It was just after 2 by then and I asked what else they wanted to do for the day. We just wanna go home and play with our new stuff, they said. And I was happy to comply.

She was ecstatic when we got home. And played all afternoon with them. Of course, the pony was in the tub within an hour of being freed from it's plastic packaging.

As I said: Economics 101.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Inadvertent Community Service

without really planning it, we spent our day serving our community. so great how it worked out, really.

we have two friends who are in the hospital and i suggested we make cards for them today and go for a visit. lauryn jumped on it immediately and we used some of her spin art (seen here) to create them.

we picked up some valuable lessons along the way on wastage (a la "MOMMMMMM! You FINISHED the glue!!" | "Actually, Lauryn, you used most of it in your last project, remember?" | "oh. yah. right.") and conserving for later. and we had fun writing our greetings in each card. i got to do some crafty creating too. after a good brekky of real buttermilk pancakes, we got dressed and headed out for the hospital, Lauryn and i. ryan opted to stay behind.

we visited our friend who had an intestinal 'situation', then our dear sweet little friend living with leukemia. then we came home and had some more fun baking chocolate chocolate chip cookies too deliver to our neighbour who just had a baby on Ryan's birthday, in fact!

up the street we strolled, ryan in his skivvies, lauryn barefooted, hot footed on the asphalt, to deliver our yummy little treats.
unfortunately mommy and baby were away but it was off to the next thing: serving ourselves :) at a playdate with Lisa and Dyllan at KFC's play thing. it's indoors with A/C and they LOVE it! after that, we helped out the family of our hospitalized friend by picking the kids up and taking them for a cool drink then off to their grandmother.

we hung out a soccer with Lisa and Dyllan for another little while, then popped over for a visit at the kids we had taken to their grandparents earlier which included a splash in the pool and playing with 'foreign' toys.

finally we headed home and turned around for a walk up the street to deliver the baked goods where we visited and played (again!); met many new people and even getting to see a cool fish tank!

serving others, serving ourselves.

i want to do this more often. (serving others, i mean.)

Monday, October 05, 2009

you get a line i'll get a pole, baby

for a great many reasons, i will be doing my very best to chronicle our wonderful adventures in our journey of natural learning. i'm a little late to start as i have missed our days at the zoo and at at atlantis. but, today is as good a day as any!

yesterday, having spent a lovely afternoon with our friends at the pool, the kids and i were rollin on home toward daddy and a quiet evening at home. i can't remember what triggered it but they came up with the idea that they wanted to go fishing. can we go fishing tomorrow, mom? i was more than delighted to say "of course!". i mean, how many people get to do that? just say yes to spontaneous adventure?

so after much dilly and dallying on my part and even more 'mom can we go fishing yet?' on their part this morning, we finally got going. it was off to A.I.D. to find a fishing rod (we had to negotiate around people wanting to pick their own rods in their favorite color) but we managed to conclude it was wiser to just get one for now incase we don't LOVE fishing.

after some less than helpful help and no rods at A.I.D. (more like unaid) we went to the kelly's empire and found ourselves a neat little kit complete with rod, lures, hooks and line for under $40. sold! off we went...

to potter's cay dock to locate some discarded conch parts ("slop") and advice about where the best place was to shop. i growled at myself when i realized that i had forgotten my bag with the camera in it (&*%^#!!!) as i watched them oooh and aaaah over the live conch layed out on the tables. both of them touching the little horns that poke out. we got our conch slop, popped by the house for our trusty swim bag and headed out to our chosen destination.

what great fun we had trying to figure it all out! between trying to put the sinker on the line, a malfunctioning reel on the rod and tangled line everywhere - we all learned to exercise patience, endure heat and how not to use a fishing rod. we eventually just used short lines and fed the fish. which was great fun for all three of us to see all the pretty little fish that swim so close to the shore (between 6 to 30 feet out).

then we we'd had enough fun playing with our fishy friends, the kids decided they wanted to play in the sand. lucky for me i have child-related ESP and packed our swim bag so they very merrily changed on the spot and hopped down to the water. we made more friends with many little crabs, some kirbs (sp?), limpets and even a few dragonflies.

Our most interesting find of the day. We still don't know what this is. It's squishy and bouncy and seems to have something moving about (swimming?) inside. It has been placed by Lauryn into home made 'sea' (salty) water.

This little white crab is one of our friends, the biggest by far of the crabs we saw which was still only just about as big as the palm of my (hand at the most). We oooohed and aaahed at it's beauty.

You can see these little explorers searching for new and interesting finds just off the shore. The last photo is of our very happy "classroom" of the day, the best kind which is no 'room' at all.

So all in all, we had ourselves a fish of a time today. We'll definitely go fishing again very soon.

I wonder what we'll be doing together on Wednesday?

Saturday, October 03, 2009

BREAKING NEWS!: Mother abuses children in local bank!

This just in: In our culture where we have all accepted that it is absolutely unacceptable to allow children to be childlike one mother dares display blatant disregard for this unspoken foundational law of our society.

This reckless mother was seen with her two very unfortunate children accompanying her to do business in the bank! Not only did she have the audacity to take them with her to this inappropriate venue, she had her children with her at a time when adults have secured relief from their presence by having them temporarily incarcerated in the appropriate buildings.

This story only gets worse. Having displayed an exceptional inability to control every single action and word by her children like all good parents do, this mother sunk to an all time low when she allowed her children to play with her and each other while she stood in line. (The horror.) Her son showed a predisposition for violent tendencies as he pretended his flip-flops were laser shooters and pantomimed destroying things and persons in his immediate vicinity. Before long the real abuse became evident when this barbaric "play" became downright indecent.

Reports are that the boy was witnessed to have yelled very loudly that he had shot his mother "in the p*nis"! It gets even worse. The mother and daughter reportedly told the boy that the mother did not have a "p*nis"; to which the boy responded (the squeamish may want to loook away) - "then I got you in your 'gina!!" Again, very loudly so that everyone was forced to be exposed to these dirty words being spoken by a child in public!

Why this mother chooses to allow her young children to call their reproductive body parts by their "correct" names instead of completely irrelevant, made-up names that simplify the process of causing children to be ashamed of their bodies and s*xuality at as early an age as possible remains a complete mystery to this journalist.

The signs of our society's decay are clearly evidenced in incidents like these. We cannot begin to imagine what kind of horrors we are headed for if parents begin to allow their children to think for themselves and to be fully engaged in their decidedly foolish 'childlike wonder'.

Dark days lay ahead when children are raised in the kinds of environments that permit them to believe that they are loved no matter what or when adults are give up their god-given right to hurt them to get them to do what they want. If children are allowed to choose their own paths or to freely reject mandatory incarceration in which they are forced to learn what we deem fit, for hours, days, weeks, months, years in favor of "thinking for themselves" - well, we cannot begin to imagine the ramifications of such careless, reckless endangerment of our youth.

We must fight this growing trend and tighten our grip of control right now.

As always, let your fear be your guide.

Friday, October 02, 2009

in decision ten oh nine

i vacillate therefore i am... not sure.

you know how your shadow is your light? no? me either. okay, you know how your strength is your weakness and vice versa? yes, of course you do. every body knows that. right?

so first i have to tell you what my strength is and then you can guess the weakness. (first one to guess wins a prize!) in no particular order here are the things that bring joy to my life (and possibly the lives of others):

spontaneity, playfulness, living through my heart (not my mind), always able to make a joke.

and the weaknesses in these characteristics:

piss poor planning, difficulty being serious, significant delay in intellectual processing time, difficulty being serious.

hmm.. it didn't work. i was supposed to come to a formulaic conclusion about how disorganized i am and how incapable i am of making ANY decisions. crap. now what? how am i supposed to prove that i have these flaws if i don't show my work? sigh well you just have to take my word for it. OR if you know me, you already know this to be true.

so anyway. the point of this ramble is that i seem to vacillate for a living. (note to self: do google search for jobs that require poor decision making skills.) (need to point out that this is in no way shape or form self deprecation; just an unattached observation of myself.)

this is what my life looks like: should i do this?... or THAT?.. or both??? i'll do this. no. that. no. both. wait no. umm... errrrr... okay i'll just try this oh wait no THAT. crap i don't like THAT. so now what? okay i'll quit THAT and try this again (again? i don't think i actually tried in the first place). but what if i do both??? that might work. then THAT won't seem so bad and i'll get to do this and it'll all work out great. ... oh now wait a minute doing this and THAT is proving to be too much for me. NOW what????

i shit you not people. i have that exact conversation with myself every three to five minutes. okay maybe i'm exaggerating. 10 to 15.

this is such an enormous burden! i wish i could decide not to carry it anymore! for god's sakes. so now i find myself in two places of making decisions that affect other humans lives. wow, God: classic. my life at home - which i am rockin' and lovin' btw - *and* my life as a Coordinator. you saw correctly. i said co-ordinator. as in one who coordinates things. (again, God: classic.)

i am definitely NOT feeling the rockin' bits there. could that have anything to do with a profound, earth shattering insecurity? naaaaaaaaaah!

the fact that whenever i see Responsibility moving in any general direction toward the vicinity i am occupying at the moment causes me to put on my pay-less sneakers and RUN like the gingerbread man in the opposite direction could have a little something to do with it. what? terrified of responsibility? me? absolutely! (apparently God is also very good at making jokes all the time).

what to do what to do? i just can't decide.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

a summary of what i believe someone else.

saw this in a children's art museum i took the kids to last month and loved it.

We are all One

We don't all have to be the same.
We don't all have to think the same.
We don't all have to act the same.
We don't all have to talk the same.
We don't all have to dress the same.
We don't all have to believe the same things.
We have the right to be ourselves.

We like it that people are different.
We know that our differences make us interesting
and unique.
We honor different ways of being, acting and believing even when we don't agree with them.
We do our best to solve problems peacefully.
We speak up if we see others being treated unfairly.
We treat each other the way we'd like to be treated.
We treat each other with respect.

Don't you wish we could all agree to disagree?

Monday, September 21, 2009

where the worldviews are

certainty that one's worldview is the only and or right way is to invalidate the human experience. or humanity itself.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Red. The new Blue.

i finally admitted to myself yesterday that blue is no longer my favorite color. (egad!) what was even harder was allowing myself to realize that i have a thing for the color Red. RED. red? red!


the insanity of this may not be apparent to you and i understand why this seems like trivial pursuit but you don't understand. you don't understand. all my life i have wanted absolutely nothing to do with the color red. nothing. i didn't own red things. wear red things. sit beside red things. red was always obnoxious and overbearing. it wants everyone to notice it and it doesn't care whether you like it or not, just Notice it.

blue was such a good color to like. so calm and nature-ish. understated elegance; it comes in many many many shades and plays well with others. from sophisticated navy to all encompassing sky blue, it is a color that cannot be unloved: blue.

and quite literally the opposite is garish Red. big and bold Red. red that calls so many unpleasant things to mind like blood and ... okay just blood. which, is actually a good thing when you can't see it - when it's where it's supposed to be inside our bodies. but when we see the redness of it, things are usually not going well. usually. anyway, i digress.

red yells. red goes overboard and can't stop herself. she goes where she is uninvited. and then becomes the very life of the party.

she celebrates. she laughs too loud. red smells good. red even feels good! it's hearts and lollipops, lipstick marks and blushing,.. cherries! good things, yummy things. there is a lot that is Fabulousness about red. best of all:

red is unapologetic for red.

perhaps this is what draws me in. i took a chance on a red planner; risked being bold. and it paid off. red worked for me. so i got another one. and red demanded more.

one cannot be a casual friends with red.

and so, in the Spirit of Red, I am unabashedley embracing that which is entirely New and Unknown to me. i continue to move boldly (most of the time; sometimes i act more pink than red.)

here's to throwing my head back and laughing out Very loudly and bursting into the new with faith, hope and Red!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

grate . blend. chop. pureƩ. serve.

dear universe/god/unknowable Other,

need a little help here. like answers, or direction or even cash.

or all of the above.

what's a girl chasing a dream supposed to do? do i need a butterfly net for dreams or some sort of sugar water bird dream feeder? help a sista out!

oh god. i can't even write and be all clever about this. i feel like crap. AGAIN. is anyone ever so sure about what they are doing? why do i keep bumping violently, painfully into Doubt? how come i can't just know it and never doubt it? what gives? this seasonal experience of vacillation is unwelcome and unpleasant to say the least. it's like this: i settle comfortably (oh... i think i see - i just used the word comfortably which i suspect the Other doesn't like)... anyway, so i settle into a general acceptance of the task at hand and my belief system du jour and then something goes bump in the night. my eyes fly open in an adrenaline fueled panic and i lay waiting for the other shoe to fall (mixing metaphors is great!). but it doesn't come.

or does it?

what am i saying, really?

i am tired of thinking that i've fought and struggled and prayed and silenced and loved and heard and talked and cried and wondered and believed my way into the The Way only to have the prayer mat pulled out from under me.

for me. for ME. for the children entrusted to my care and heart, i know that i cannot - cannot - put them into the traditional school system. i can't. i can't. i can't i can't i can't i can't.

what i Can do is give them the very best of our Selves. give them my Love, show them their Light and follow them through the pathways of their Being. we have much to learn together. this is my very first passion, my deepest oldest calling of The Spirit. i know that i can't not do this. unless they straight up ask me not to.

the next ripple in that outward flow of our passion is to give this gift to all children. i feel so strongly about this that this is also something i can't not do. some people get fired up about social injustice, some environmental, other still economical. God gives us each our unique way of acting on Love's behalf on our journey. for me the ground dwelling, sky arching, wave pulling call is to create Loving, true, kind, relevant, appropriate, humane spaces of learning for all children. places of learning where children are recongized for the unique part they play in their community. where the whole child is nurtured and revered. i truly believe this would be most effective starting place for addressing the other bits. (can children who are treated with kindness and respect and honor; children who are shown how they belong as an important part of the world and one of God's chosen - can they turn around to become selfish, uncaring adults?)

you all know my song and dance. everyone knows that i will not remain silent and demure about this matter.

so... God. WTF?

what's with the thomas syndrome? and what am i supposed to do?????

i feel like i am being forced to choose between my birth children, Your children and the work I feel called to with the children of the church community. have i offered my suggestion about the neon sign with answers or directions? or the cash?

this is my prayer:
i need to experience like minded mothers/educators. the texas conference in september will be a fair trade for the albany one in june. please provide all the funds we need for the airfare, hotel, conference, food and extras for me, Lauryn and Ryan.

i really need to know how to move forward or even stand still and wait regarding creation of an alternative learning space here in new providence ('Providence'??? need i say more???). i need clear clear Clear answers about what the next step needs to be.

show me how to create a schedule that will meet my needs for silence and contemplation, my children's and my own needs for me to be there with them, to move forward or wait patiently with sharing the philosophy of learner centred education and for me to be able to build a healthy, fruitful, happy, well run children's ministry at the church.
this is my prayer.

and so it is.

Saturday, April 25, 2009


i am harbouring resentment like lint between my toes.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

the light side of me

self deprecating used to be my M.O. i came to find it a loathsome activity - for my self and for everyone else's selves. it is fruitless, uncomfortable and harmful. nuff said.

i was thinking about how i have a hard time accepting compliments about myself that i find hard to believe. (like when i'm called "pretty". that is impossible to believe. not that i think that i'm ugly or anything. just not pretty. )

anyway. this is not going the way i had planned it. i wanted to wonder around the things that i happen to think are redeeming qualities. 'redeeming' i realize is a bit loaded. i just mean what i like about me. the things about cian that are a credit to cian and possibly the people around cian. (talking about my self in the third person is very odd.)

so here goes (in no particular order):

i love my smile. i think it's radiant. (good god, this is a bit embarrassing but it's an exercise.)
i love that people say they like hugging me. i haven even been told that hugging me feels like home. i like that.
my sense of humor is one of my best qualities.
i love how music moves me.
sometimes, i am a good listener.
i care about people.
i care a great deal about our earth.
my friends are my friends in the truest sense of the word.
i have a sense of adventure.
i really love my hair.
i think i'm a half decent writer (usually until i read someone else's! :)
i have an aptitude for languages.
i'm not a frilly girl. i like that about myself.
i am comfortable just being one of the guys.
your secret is safe with me.
children mean the world to me. all of them.
i am an intentional mother.
so far, i have given my children (the start of) a really great life.
when it comes to the 'big stuff', i don't often choose the easy way. (not sure why this is redeeming, but i think it says that i'm not afraid to risk the cost.)
i think i have beautiful brown skin.
i do not accept the status quo.
i have an open(ing) heart.
God dwells within me. (this is not my doing. the profundity of this cannot be understated. this is my Being.)
i really really love nature.
i have a soft spot for animals.
i am learning to identify and not-sweat the small stuff.
i have learned a tremendous amount of everything from reading.
i now find myself choosing kindness more often than not.
i really love a good time.
i am a pretty good dancer.
i like to cook.
i bake cookies (from scratch) for and with my children.
i am becoming more and more unafraid with each sweep of the second hand. this is good.
Love permeates my life in all possible shapes, forms, dimensions and intangibles.
i am unyieldingly in love with, and committed to my husband, my best Best friend.
beauty reveals herself to me everywhere through all my senses.
i really love growing older. and though i have no regrets, i would not go back in time to gain 'youthfulness'.
i do not regret.

not even this.

Monday, April 06, 2009

inspired by the mouth of my babe

Me: You're so perfect! Who made you perfect, Ryan?
Ryan: Ummm... I dunno.
Me: God made you perfect!


Ryan: Who's God, mom?
Me: (stumped)


Me: You know that feeling you get when you feel like you love mommy? . (he gets this feeling a lot.)
Ryan: Yeah?
Me: That's Who God Is.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

leaving the kitchen

i can't handle the heat. it's a little like frying bacon naked.

you're right. no one could have prepared me for this. all of us - ALL of us - go into it with our own preconceived ideas of how it will be different in OUR lives. we have ALL the answers way ahead of time. those other people are just too stupid to know that they're doing a bum job and wallowing in the consequences. poor lost souls, we think. we'll show 'em, we think.


that last laugh business is rearing it's maniacal donkey faced head.

so now, i have come to PA and i am saying, hi my name is cian and i don't know how to raise my son. (your turn to listlessly respond: hi cian.)

i know i know i know. everyone is trying to figure out what my problem is. why can't i just stfu and do my job? because so few other women are saying these things i feel i must. i'll take the hit for being the mom who doesn't know what to do - it seems - a LOT of the time.

in talking to N this morning, i think i kind of had a mini epiphany. a seeing through the glass less darkly kind of moment. i think my boy is so intense and so alert and so HERE that he never really winds down. he doesn't have Mellow Moments. there is no fade to black with ryan. just bright shiny pictures that sometimes turn into retina searing bright sunlight and then back to pictures again. no black. no dark. no off.

what about when he's sleeping?

even then. even that. which is what led me to the mini epiphany. i keep hearing the echo of a friend's voice as we were chatting one summer afternoon two years ago. (and yes, you can picture any random cheesy soap opera scene of the character staring off into space with the voice bouncing around in their presumably empty heads).

"if you wean him, there's still no guarantee he'll sleep through the night." he said.

damn you D. you were so bleeding right.

and so... we are now awakened with excruciating regularity by the sound of ryan crying that he can't sleep. he can't sleep. he can't sleep. he can't sleep. he can't sleep.

i realize at this point that good old Attitude of Gratitude might help. after all, at least he's well. he's here. he can speak. he is not dead. (if these are offending you, then perhaps you may need to consider looking away.)

at least i'm honest.

my point being that even in sleep he is too (wired is the best word i can come up with but i don't like the negative connotations so maybe i should say) Alert to sleep very deeply or very long. which is why he has been sleeping in underwear since he figured toilet learning out. (in contrast his sister, 5, still sleeps in pullups 2 years after daytime learning because she sleeps as deep as the night is long.)

so what am i to do? how can i stop being the awful evil yelling shouting pushing shoving hitting (yes. yes. yes.) mom? i do these things out of moldy, rotting frustration. the bad terrible frustration that causes me to act like a ... well, like ryan. look here people i'm not proud. and i am not ashamed. i just recognize my very short comings and i need help to figure out how to lengthen the bastards.

of course i know it's a complete idiot who fries bacon in their underwear (i learned my lesson!) and i know i need some clothes or an apron. following that metaphor, i can't find the store that sells either of those things.

you know the history. i keep making peace. but that's never it. as if i keep thinking the kitchen towel can protect me. but it's not enough. i need the whole getup.


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

and the walls come crashing down

i feel like weeping.

i really do.

here i was going along thinking that i have been doing a good job (for the most part) raising my children. all the while doing to my daughter exactly what was done to me but in a different way.

i don't really want to go into my own VERY unhealthy relationship with food. i don't. it's too depressing.

but i really really believed that i was doing the right thing by withholding crap from my children. i thought it would teach them how to eat and appreciate healthy foods. this admission is very difficult for me. that i've done a very shitty job these last 5 years. i didn't know. i just didn't know.

what else have i been doing wrong?

i guess i'll be spending the next few days over at Sandra Dodd learning and unlearning about how to be a better mom.

this is so so sad for me. i hope i can change (myself).

Monday, February 09, 2009

Random Objects

i have been itching to write for weeks now. just itching! but i haven't had the time or the head space. what a minute, what am i talking about? all i have in my head is space, it seems as i am almost never able to find the words and thoughts i am looking for - just empty spaces.

random thought number one:
january just kind of got sucked down the toilet didn't it? one minute it's 'happy new year' and the next second i'm cutting out paper hearts for valentine's day crafts. good god, it's almost the middle of february already! i feel like swiper the fox is stealing weeks off my calendar! anyway, i guess i am kind of glad to be past this most recent past. it hasn't been easy.

random thought number two:
happy 'goingoutaversarry' to (me and) nathan! today is the thirteenth anniversary of us being together! (not married, just together).

jeez louise life can be difficult!

i'm so thankful to my dear friends (most notably NS DST and CM) for helping me see things.. differently.

i'm getting lazier as the list progresses

i am learning to believe that i can do it. whatever 'it' actually turns out to be. i must be learning because at this particular moment, i am not feeling terrified at the thought.

i gotta go b/c nathan needs to use the computer to earn a living. somehow, blogging random thoughts seems to pale in comparison.

this has been the single most non-cathartic writing, uninteresting episode of my blogging career.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Initial Reactions to The New Year

it's early yet for 2009, to be sure. and, of course, i realize this whole concept of a New Year is just a mental construct. a time marker. laundry day for time. it's the time when most humans give ourselves permission to start all over again. to try something new or to approach something in a different way.

in many ways, these are noble ideas. i am sure that there are even a few instances where resolutions equal revolutions. but for the most part, like anything else, the novelty soon wears off and we get sucked back into the 'drudgery' of a regular old year. regular old same old same old.

but not me.

sure i stayed up till after midnight (EST) and watched the fireworks across the harbour. and yes, i celebrated with friends and family on the eve. but for me, i feel this idea of a fresh start is always available to us. a person can celebrate new year's day ANY day of the year. we are free to decide that there is no time like the present.

right now is a new moment. and now. and now.

if i had a new year's resolution - and i don't - it would be to accept What Is. I am. You are. oo use a rather tired catch phrase: It is what it is. there is no changing the past, no matter how recent it is. you or i cannot even change something that happened 1 second ago. so let's agree to leave it be. as for what will happen next... you know. you may not know that you know, but you really do know. which leaves us smack dab in the middle of Now.

Now is your chance. Do the work you need to do. Or maybe you need to go on a journey.

i don't want to be all preachy. (it may be too late and if it is, i apologise.)

all i'm saying is. there is no such thing as new years, really. there isn't just one.

please give yourself permission to change your life anytime you feel like it. Now, for example.