Friday, October 02, 2009

in decision ten oh nine

i vacillate therefore i am... not sure.

you know how your shadow is your light? no? me either. okay, you know how your strength is your weakness and vice versa? yes, of course you do. every body knows that. right?

so first i have to tell you what my strength is and then you can guess the weakness. (first one to guess wins a prize!) in no particular order here are the things that bring joy to my life (and possibly the lives of others):

spontaneity, playfulness, living through my heart (not my mind), always able to make a joke.

and the weaknesses in these characteristics:

piss poor planning, difficulty being serious, significant delay in intellectual processing time, difficulty being serious.

hmm.. it didn't work. i was supposed to come to a formulaic conclusion about how disorganized i am and how incapable i am of making ANY decisions. crap. now what? how am i supposed to prove that i have these flaws if i don't show my work? sigh well you just have to take my word for it. OR if you know me, you already know this to be true.

so anyway. the point of this ramble is that i seem to vacillate for a living. (note to self: do google search for jobs that require poor decision making skills.) (need to point out that this is in no way shape or form self deprecation; just an unattached observation of myself.)

this is what my life looks like: should i do this?... or THAT?.. or both??? i'll do this. no. that. no. both. wait no. umm... errrrr... okay i'll just try this oh wait no THAT. crap i don't like THAT. so now what? okay i'll quit THAT and try this again (again? i don't think i actually tried in the first place). but what if i do both??? that might work. then THAT won't seem so bad and i'll get to do this and it'll all work out great. ... oh now wait a minute doing this and THAT is proving to be too much for me. NOW what????

i shit you not people. i have that exact conversation with myself every three to five minutes. okay maybe i'm exaggerating. 10 to 15.

this is such an enormous burden! i wish i could decide not to carry it anymore! for god's sakes. so now i find myself in two places of making decisions that affect other humans lives. wow, God: classic. my life at home - which i am rockin' and lovin' btw - *and* my life as a Coordinator. you saw correctly. i said co-ordinator. as in one who coordinates things. (again, God: classic.)

i am definitely NOT feeling the rockin' bits there. could that have anything to do with a profound, earth shattering insecurity? naaaaaaaaaah!

the fact that whenever i see Responsibility moving in any general direction toward the vicinity i am occupying at the moment causes me to put on my pay-less sneakers and RUN like the gingerbread man in the opposite direction could have a little something to do with it. what? terrified of responsibility? me? absolutely! (apparently God is also very good at making jokes all the time).

what to do what to do? i just can't decide.

No comments: