Sunday, April 28, 2013

Is it okay to feel like punching your kid?

- turn off the (bathroom) light
- wash your hands!
- and flush the toilet!
  (but in the exact opposite order)

- chew with your mouth closed
- take your dirty clothes off the floor relocate them 18" away to the basket (like, literally bend down and pick them up and keeping your feet planted in the same spot, twist your upper body and release the clothes into the basket).
- take your wet towel off the floor and relocate it 24" the wall hook (okay, this one involves an actual step)
- help your plate to the kitchen
- unpack your lunchbox
 (where is your water bottle?!)
- put your toothbrush into the cup

These are things I say MINIMUM once a day.  And mostly to the boy.  Actually everything but the lunchbox and bathroom light are all things I say only to my son.  Every.  Single.  Day.  

I have been asking him to close his mouth when he chews every night for the past, oh, three years or so.  No kidding.  Otherwise it's SMACK SMACK SMACK.  I calmly ask, "Please chew with your mouth closed."  Often times, three times over the course of a single meal.  

In real raw gritty life, people. 

As for the toothbrush?  Quite honestly, it doesn't even belong on the stupid list because I've given up on his toothbrush ever actually making it to the little cup.  This toothbrush holder, I might add, is conveniently located on the right side of the sink for the right-handed members of our family.  (Hint: all of us.)  This child of mine always always always puts his toothbrush on the perimeter on the LEFT side of the sink.  (Which means that the boy has to physically take the toothbrush out of his right hand - or at the very least reach across the sink to put it there.)  

After several nights of requests to put his toothbrush in the cup I began having him 'practice' the motion of putting in the cup.  Put it in the cup, take it out of the cup, put it in the cup, take it out of the cup.... and it totally worked!  Pffffft-haaaaaaaa!  Nope.  No it didn't.  It takes the toothbrush and it puts the toothbrush on the tiny counter space directly beside the toilet.  It does not understand the meaning of these words "in" and "cup".

And yes, it's a small thing.  I know that.  

So is the plate and the light and the dirty clothes and the lunch box and the &^%damned water bottle being left at school every day.  (EVERY.  DAY.  For realsies?)

But add them all up and some days - like today - I feel like I am going to lose my mind (or flip out and go Real Ultimate Power ninja on him).  I mean, my GOD.  How long does it take for him to learn to just close his mouth when he chews?  SERIOUSLY.  Is it a boy thing?  Is it a him thing?  Is it a seven year ol- never mind.  I know it's not that.  

Having spent the better part of the last month trying to use a normal tone of voice (i.e. not yell), I find myself considering other verbal cues such as growling.  Six to seven (who am trying to kid? more like) Three to four times out of ten I can find a humorous approach.  The other three to four I am serious but not upset.  The remaining times, my teeth are clenched and I may or may not have steam coming out of my ears as I say for the millionth time "Please. pick. your.  shi- CLOTHES.  up.  off.  the.  floor. and. put. them.  in.  the.  basketttttt."

Walk into his room right now.  And you will find - I guaran-damn-tee it - underwear, pants and shirts on the floor BESIDE the (!@#$% ^&**(-ing laundry basket.  


I don't even have a witty wrap up for this one.  Usually when I blog, by the time I get down toward the end a new perspective has emerged and shed light on the parts I was missing.


Yeah.  I got nothin'.