dear universe/god/unknowable Other,
need a little help here. like answers, or direction or even cash.
or all of the above.
what's a girl chasing a dream supposed to do? do i need a butterfly net for dreams or some sort of sugar water bird dream feeder? help a sista out!
oh god. i can't even write and be all clever about this. i feel like crap. AGAIN. is anyone ever so sure about what they are doing? why do i keep bumping violently, painfully into Doubt? how come i can't just know it and never doubt it? what gives? this seasonal experience of vacillation is unwelcome and unpleasant to say the least. it's like this: i settle comfortably (oh... i think i see - i just used the word comfortably which i suspect the Other doesn't like)... anyway, so i settle into a general acceptance of the task at hand and my belief system du jour and then something goes bump in the night. my eyes fly open in an adrenaline fueled panic and i lay waiting for the other shoe to fall (mixing metaphors is great!). but it doesn't come.
or does it?
what am i saying, really?
i am tired of thinking that i've fought and struggled and prayed and silenced and loved and heard and talked and cried and wondered and believed my way into the The Way only to have the prayer mat pulled out from under me.
for me. for ME. for the children entrusted to my care and heart, i know that i cannot - cannot - put them into the traditional school system. i can't. i can't. i can't i can't i can't i can't.
what i Can do is give them the very best of our Selves. give them my Love, show them their Light and follow them through the pathways of their Being. we have much to learn together. this is my very first passion, my deepest oldest calling of The Spirit. i know that i can't not do this. unless they straight up ask me not to.
the next ripple in that outward flow of our passion is to give this gift to all children. i feel so strongly about this that this is also something i can't not do. some people get fired up about social injustice, some environmental, other still economical. God gives us each our unique way of acting on Love's behalf on our journey. for me the ground dwelling, sky arching, wave pulling call is to create Loving, true, kind, relevant, appropriate, humane spaces of learning for all children. places of learning where children are recongized for the unique part they play in their community. where the whole child is nurtured and revered. i truly believe this would be most effective starting place for addressing the other bits. (can children who are treated with kindness and respect and honor; children who are shown how they belong as an important part of the world and one of God's chosen - can they turn around to become selfish, uncaring adults?)
you all know my song and dance. everyone knows that i will not remain silent and demure about this matter.
so... God. WTF?
what's with the thomas syndrome? and what am i supposed to do?????
i feel like i am being forced to choose between my birth children, Your children and the work I feel called to with the children of the church community. have i offered my suggestion about the neon sign with answers or directions? or the cash?
this is my prayer:
i need to experience like minded mothers/educators. the texas conference in september will be a fair trade for the albany one in june. please provide all the funds we need for the airfare, hotel, conference, food and extras for me, Lauryn and Ryan.
i really need to know how to move forward or even stand still and wait regarding creation of an alternative learning space here in new providence ('Providence'??? need i say more???). i need clear clear Clear answers about what the next step needs to be.
show me how to create a schedule that will meet my needs for silence and contemplation, my children's and my own needs for me to be there with them, to move forward or wait patiently with sharing the philosophy of learner centred education and for me to be able to build a healthy, fruitful, happy, well run children's ministry at the church.
this is my prayer.
and so it is.