cheque please

okay, so i think i've officially decided that i'm done. no more babies. this does make me a little sad when i really think about it BUT (the big jiggly BUT) is that lately when i've been in my day to day life of mothering two young children, it keeps occurring to me that this is a lot of work and i wonder if i really want to do it all over again anytime soon. i just don't think i have what it takes to deal with the tantrums, the waking up at night, potty training, the whole dependence vs. independence stage and all that jazz one more time after ryan. i mean, can i really deal with BEGGING - i said begging folks - BEGGING my child to PLEASE listen to me and do what i'm asking? (a la: Lauryn, PLEASE, I am BEGGING you to go outside to the playmat). am i the only one???? idon'tthinkso. bill cosby even has a whole bit on saying things a billion, zillion, kajillion, fifillion times. (sitdown sitdown sitdown sidown sidown SIDOWN!!)

now, just realise that i'm not saying it's all bad. of course not. i really enjoy my daughter and my son. They are such joyful and beautiful people. I have tremendous amounts of fun with them, especially Lauryn at the moment (not at this moment because she's having to be told no touching the mouse SIXTY TIMES.) *edited to add that i just had to redo the ENTIRE first paragraph because she highlighted and trashed a big chunk of my original thought* [grimace]

i guess i'm just venting because the last few days seem to have been a bit *trying* for me on that level. it just seems so impossible to communicate with her sometimes. i often wonder 'am i speaking english here??" in this, i know i'm not alone. i've heard other moms saying the same thing.

but then she is growing so fast. and ryan too. he's walking for crying out loud. WALKING!! and talking too. lauryn is in school and loving it. and the things she says... kind of makes me want to freeze these moments in little popsicle memories so i can enjoy them again later. now i'm getting emotional. go figure.

anyway, i'm still pretty sure i can't do this one more time. plus i don't know if i have what it takes to remain milkshaken (lactating) like this for more than the next two years - the limit i've set at the moment. i.e. i'm prepared to nurse ryan till he's three and then that will be it for me. [sigh]

so that means i better really be present in every single moment with these babies because i will not walk this road again. i don't want to miss even the flutter of a wing. so this was good for me. as usual.

silence | clarity | peace