so last post i was trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. how come i can't - won't - stay alone with my darling children. and i know the answer: i am too tired. i need more rest. (gosh why is this falling flat even as i type it?) c'mon, cian, rest? who doesn't need rest? you say. but what i'm saying is that i have been nursing and growing babies for the past three years. and not in the 'traditional' way.
'traditional' here translates to: leaving them to cry, sleeping seperately, using formula (or bottles!), going back to a full time job, weaning them before they are ready (lauryn nursed till she was 34 months and, of course, i've only just begun with ryan, haven't i?), feeding them crap filled with PHOs, food coloring, sugar... basically just going with the flow.
i'd like to say i'm a crunchy granola mom (hey, i don't vaccinate and i buy organic!) but i don't think i've made it all the way over there either. has lauryn ever eaten a hot dog? yeah a couple of times (3 or 4 maybe), fast food? hello! KFC anyone? candy? sadly, yes. so, i'm not like making my breads from scratch or growing my own organic vegetables. but what i am is INTENTIONAL. the decisions i make are not done lightly. i may not always make the right one, but i am always doing so with the best intentions. as in, what will this mean days, weeks, months and several years down the line? so maybe i'm crunchy store bought, organic granola.
i mean, i honestly don't know how anyone can do this - waking up several times a night for years, showing up every single day, being present with your kids - in isolation! it's just not the way it was meant to be. right now, my house is clean. and that is because of my two best friends who were here yesterday with their kids and they cleaned my home for me. because i could not. i am the only mom i know who has not had any 'professional help' (as i a paid homekeeper) with managing my home. the dishes, the laundry, the floors, the beds, the cooking the everything still needs mine and nathan's attention in the middle of me working full- and part-time (for me now) and looking after our 3 and 1 year olds.
(i think i'm defending myself because i'm imagining people reading this with raised eyebrows and rolling eyes.) but the truth is, i have to justify my tired feelings to myself sometimes. which is absolutely ridiculous. ree-dic-yoo-luss!
of course i am grateful for every single moment that i am present with my children. as i said to my grandmother this morning, if i don't raise my kids, someone else will and i'm sure they won't do it the way i want. i see no point in bearing children just to hand them off to someone else to raise for you. not during these tender, formative years especially. but, that's another soapbox.
all this to say, --- actually no, i don't think that if i got 10 straight hours of sleep every night guaranteed, it would mean that i could stay home alone with my kids every day. bottom line, it takes a village. and that village for me is very clearly defined in the women who are sharing this journey with me - namely deborah and christine. thank God for them.
so we continue to strive to be together as much as possible so our kids can play with each other while we watch, participate (sparingly :), encourage, correct and love them.
silence | clarity | peace