the kids are sleeping! (thunderous applause please, but keep it QUIET!) and the clock starts ticking down on my free time. what to do, what to do? the big question that circles round and round when the kids are asleep and i am all alone (nathan is off at the souketmarket): what in the world should i do? should i read? should i check my email? should i sleep too? should i catch up on housework? (NEVER!) obviously, today i decided to blog. (rolling my eyes)
so i am typing with a quiet fear lurking behind me that i will soon hear the weak cry of ryan waking up. i'm even pressing the keys as softly as possible. isn't this ridiculous? but it's a way life for so many moms (am i right, moms?) we so rarely have time alone in silence *in the house* that it's like winning a few thousand - no, several hundred dollars that you have to decide how to spend on one thing.
this morning i was thinking about my decision to pull lauryn from tambearly and i'm already second guessing myself. can you believe it? didn't i just outline to you and me all the reasons why this was the right decision? don't i know that she'll be better off with me doing the stuff our playgroup is doing? isn't she only three and doesn't need to be doing worksheets? yes, yes and yes! so what's the problem? it's the monster i used to call "mommy guilt" but have decided to rename "mommy doubt" which I feel is much more accurate. it's not so much a feeling of guilt as it is wondering if it's the best thing to do. there is a shadow of doubt. the second guessing that begins with conception. am i eating the right things, sleeping enough, getting enough folic acid? is this the right doctor? can i breastfeed? am i eating the right thing? is it too soon for solids? is THE BABY eating the right thing? and on and on and on it goes. where it stops, nobody knows. i mean, good grief!
so i am wrestling with this now. but my gut says it's right. still, i can't help but think about how PUTTING HER IN seemed like the right thing to do too. i wrestled and wrestled with that decision as well. decions, de-bloody-cisions! i wish i could get a direct connect to God with a 'heavenly' version of vonage like Godage or something so i could say Hello, YHWH? please tell me exactly what to do!!!
okay, i have to confess this (at the risk of seeming like i am completely off my nutter). the reason i am having some doubts about this tambearly thing is because i had a dream last night that God spoke to me. and it wasn't weird in the dream (like God speaks to people about their water all the time!). the jist is that i was about to get - actually *catch* - water from the earth (don't ask, it was a dream) to cook rice but the water was a little brownish, sort of off colour but not gross looking. and i saw a pool of clear water nearby and i thought to get that water instead but God spoke and said not to get that water because Adam (meaning man) had tainted it and that even though it LOOKED better, that was not the case. so, use the brown water, God said. ummm, hello??? what is that????? what am i supposed to take from a dream - my first ever - where GOD SPEAKS TO ME?!?! i cannot just pish-posh it. right?
anyway, i'm not changing my mind or anything but i am still hoping to have the meaning of this revealed to me (speaking to You, YHWH). in the meantime, i'd better try to get some reading in. as the little ones are still slumbering even after this epistle. be not silent, friends and readers. (i.e. WRITE ME!!) or at least post a comment.
silence | CLARITY | more clarity
(maybe be more specific in the dream, Lord.)