my little lauryn has the biggest imagination of any three year old i know. (and believe me, i know a lot!) she is always pretending something. she really likes it when we pretend that she's the mommy and i'm her doughta (that's how she prounces daughter). tonight she said i would be the 'lil girl'. and nathan was my brother. and ryan was my daddy. and she even makes sure i renounce my lactating facilities and abilities. a la: you have small nummies. and i have big nummies to nurse my babies. and you aren't nursing baby ryan (mean time whenever i AM nursing baby ryan i have to say that i'm not.) and god forbid i slip up and refer to myself as mommy. she has an outright panic attack and can't get the words out fast enough "no. i'm the.. the.. the.. i'm the.. the... mommy!! your the baby! and i have to apologise profusely and return to character as the baby.
she is also CONSTANTLY (i mean without ceasing in a biblical kind of way here folks) pretending that her stuffed animals are puppies or kittens. or, the latest, miracats (that's laurynese for meerkats, of course.) and i am always needed to hold or being given a nicely wrapped gift of a puppy or baby miracat to hold. "you can hold the baby, mommy. it's alright" she says like she's trying to reassure a scared child. that lauryn. she's something else.
she's really starting to take on a 'big sisterly' attitude about ryan. key word: starting. they are playing together a little more each day (well maybe each week is more like it.) so that's nice to see. it's a faint glimmer of a sparkle of what may yet be on the horizon for these two. solidly encased, of course, in the requisite sibling rivalry. just want to make sure you don't have pretty, fairy land like pictures with clouds around the edges; pictures of the kids laughing and running through a meadow, holding hands in the sunshine. it ain't like that. but the possibility of friendship and fun together is what i see and what i look forward to seeing more of. that she's calling him "ry-ry" is too cute to me. and sometimes if he's fussy she says to me "i think ryan wants to nurse mommy. you need to nurse him." i smile and shake my head to myself a little as i say:
thanks lauryn. thanks very much. :)
p.s. i just have to mention that she 'got married' the other night. to will (shock!!! they are like cats and dogs these two) and she even wore my 'klop-klop' shoes. (awwwwww).
I mother, therefore I write. These are the days of my life.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
un-mom friends
weather consciously or unconsiously, i have managed to end up with all mother friends. what i mean is that my social circle is made up almost entirely of women who are mothers. i have a few non-mom friends and i am now understanding why that happened/happens.
i just don't think that people without kids have even the faintest inkling of what it's like to have kids. just the way that men have no idea what it means to be a woman. or a black person doesn't know what it's like to be asian, for instance. the only difference between the mom and non-mom women is that this line is crossable. everyone who has children can remember the time when they would very confidently say to their other non-mom friends "when i have kids, i'll never let that happen" or "this is how my kid will behave". you know all that jazz. and now that we're on this side of the fence? phhh! right. we're all the perfect moms! aren't we dears? [capital N capital O capital T!!!]
sigh. it's just that i am not and have never been a very organised individual. call at a character flaw, bad personality trait, weak spot, achilles tendon - whatever. call it what you will - but that's me. of course i've tried all kinds of remedies but it seems to be in my very DNA coding. can you imagine an otherwise disorganised woman with two young children to raise and a part time job to boot? recipe for utter chaos! shaking my head honestly, all i can promise anyone is that i'll show up for my family always and for my friends whenever humanly possible and then the rest is a great big 'maybe'. let me bullet point it for you. my priorities are:
numero uno
. loving and caring for my family (blood and otherwise) and
. spiritual pursuits of love and wisdom (that's cianese for seeking God)
b
. friendship and community
III
. gainful employment
four
. serving in my church community
it used to just be god, family, ministry, work - but that was too cut and dried. plus if i was to be honest - and that's critical here - i had to switch 'ministry' and work because right now i really need the $$$.
anyway, all that to say: i love all my friends and i am grateful for the ones who know that i can't guarantee that i'll be anywhere but where i'm needed. and for the most part, that is with my two little babies who need me more than a non-mom (or even some other mothers) can understand.
this frustration that i feel at the lack of understanding on the non-mothers' part sometimes makes me feel like it's just not going to work (the friendship) but maybe i just need to help them realize that they really just don't have the faintest idea of the foggiest clue and they, therefore, have no right to judge me. can't handle the heat? eat fruit.
i just don't think that people without kids have even the faintest inkling of what it's like to have kids. just the way that men have no idea what it means to be a woman. or a black person doesn't know what it's like to be asian, for instance. the only difference between the mom and non-mom women is that this line is crossable. everyone who has children can remember the time when they would very confidently say to their other non-mom friends "when i have kids, i'll never let that happen" or "this is how my kid will behave". you know all that jazz. and now that we're on this side of the fence? phhh! right. we're all the perfect moms! aren't we dears? [capital N capital O capital T!!!]
sigh. it's just that i am not and have never been a very organised individual. call at a character flaw, bad personality trait, weak spot, achilles tendon - whatever. call it what you will - but that's me. of course i've tried all kinds of remedies but it seems to be in my very DNA coding. can you imagine an otherwise disorganised woman with two young children to raise and a part time job to boot? recipe for utter chaos! shaking my head honestly, all i can promise anyone is that i'll show up for my family always and for my friends whenever humanly possible and then the rest is a great big 'maybe'. let me bullet point it for you. my priorities are:
numero uno
. loving and caring for my family (blood and otherwise) and
. spiritual pursuits of love and wisdom (that's cianese for seeking God)
b
. friendship and community
III
. gainful employment
four
. serving in my church community
it used to just be god, family, ministry, work - but that was too cut and dried. plus if i was to be honest - and that's critical here - i had to switch 'ministry' and work because right now i really need the $$$.
anyway, all that to say: i love all my friends and i am grateful for the ones who know that i can't guarantee that i'll be anywhere but where i'm needed. and for the most part, that is with my two little babies who need me more than a non-mom (or even some other mothers) can understand.
this frustration that i feel at the lack of understanding on the non-mothers' part sometimes makes me feel like it's just not going to work (the friendship) but maybe i just need to help them realize that they really just don't have the faintest idea of the foggiest clue and they, therefore, have no right to judge me. can't handle the heat? eat fruit.
Monday, February 12, 2007
God Lite
have you seen these Google ads at the top???
i have GOT to quit with all the jesus and god talk! i mean, not that there's anything wrong with it but who knows what these links are at the top. Our Jesus Lord, Jesus Love???? seriously?
more on being a mom. i promise.
i have GOT to quit with all the jesus and god talk! i mean, not that there's anything wrong with it but who knows what these links are at the top. Our Jesus Lord, Jesus Love???? seriously?
more on being a mom. i promise.
sick and tired
first it was dear lauryn - whom i've affectionately taken to calling Lallie - with a fever for three days straight then the cold-like stuff ensued. after she recovered it was me, no fever but i felt like crap for two and half days and then it was pretty much over. then poor little Ry-ry (as his sister calls him (awwwww)) got a fever on friday night and it didn't let up all weekend except for with drugs - which we kept adminstering faithfully because it was up to 104 at one point. ah-ah, mommy don't play dat. so against my usual disdain for drugs, legal and otherwise, we motrined and calpoled to keep him feeling 'comfy'.
so of course i went to the doc this am (missed yet another day of school) to find out that we only know what he doesn't have: a bacterial infection of any kind. could be the teeth. which is what my gut was very quietly and sheepishly saying in the corner all weekend. but teeth causing a 104 fever??? no way said my ridiculous 'common sense' side. i didn't mention that he also had diarrhea from tuesday to friday. that went for the sat and sun and came back today (mon). shit. no pun originally intended.
anyway, the canines on the top and bottom are coming and and it looks like the pre-molars could be busting through too. (shit! again). poor thing can't keep his fists out of his mouth. and he's drooling like rex in the noonday heat. no kidding. i feel so sorry for the poor thing. and for me too. no sleep!!! but what else is new?
so on that note, cian dahlin, it's 10:42 PEE EM. don't you think you should get your BUTT in BED ASAP??? duh. of course i do. but one more post first.
so of course i went to the doc this am (missed yet another day of school) to find out that we only know what he doesn't have: a bacterial infection of any kind. could be the teeth. which is what my gut was very quietly and sheepishly saying in the corner all weekend. but teeth causing a 104 fever??? no way said my ridiculous 'common sense' side. i didn't mention that he also had diarrhea from tuesday to friday. that went for the sat and sun and came back today (mon). shit. no pun originally intended.
anyway, the canines on the top and bottom are coming and and it looks like the pre-molars could be busting through too. (shit! again). poor thing can't keep his fists out of his mouth. and he's drooling like rex in the noonday heat. no kidding. i feel so sorry for the poor thing. and for me too. no sleep!!! but what else is new?
so on that note, cian dahlin, it's 10:42 PEE EM. don't you think you should get your BUTT in BED ASAP??? duh. of course i do. but one more post first.
Monday, February 05, 2007
so it seems god is a colts fan, a christian (and possibly black?)
hurrah for the colts. hurrah for toni dungee (sp? too lazy to look right now). hurrah for black people. and for christian coaches too!! and thank god ?????
this is my problem with my intact but nevertheless fading theology: if tony dungi can thank god for bringing his team to victory - what does that mean about the other guy? whom toni himself claimed to be a christian too. i guess this means lovie smith is not one of god's favorite black coaches but tony is (??) why would god bring tony and not lovie? if the other guy was muslim and his team had won, would that them mean that god wasn't with tony and the colts? or worse, if the guy was a white guy who didn't even believe in god and he won - what then?
i don't think i'm saying what i mean here. it's just that whenever someone says ˆthank god for saving themˆ from or bringing them through and their neighbour is perishing or has perished or lost - is that in god's name too? stories of soldiers who wouldn't be here but for the love of god seem to imply that somehow that means that god didn't really love the other soldiers who died in the battlefield.
i don't know what all that means. i don't fault tony for thanking god. how could i? who else could he thank? (i mean besides the team, of course). the two best prayers i know (as i learned from Anne Lamott) are "thank you thank you thank you!" and "please help please help please help!" it's just that i don't understand. i mean obviously toni and lovie were both PRAYING for victory. why would god 'help' the colts and not the bears? or 'bless' (i use that term very vehhhhry loosely) toni and not lovie?
the implication in "thank God the colts won the superbowl spearheaded by a black, christian coach" is that these are the qualities that god is seeking in the people he helps. would one thank "love" for that stuff? don't think so. hmm... now the wheelse are starting off to a slow chug on my train of thought. i'll have to chew on that one.
please help please help please help!
this is my problem with my intact but nevertheless fading theology: if tony dungi can thank god for bringing his team to victory - what does that mean about the other guy? whom toni himself claimed to be a christian too. i guess this means lovie smith is not one of god's favorite black coaches but tony is (??) why would god bring tony and not lovie? if the other guy was muslim and his team had won, would that them mean that god wasn't with tony and the colts? or worse, if the guy was a white guy who didn't even believe in god and he won - what then?
i don't think i'm saying what i mean here. it's just that whenever someone says ˆthank god for saving themˆ from or bringing them through and their neighbour is perishing or has perished or lost - is that in god's name too? stories of soldiers who wouldn't be here but for the love of god seem to imply that somehow that means that god didn't really love the other soldiers who died in the battlefield.
i don't know what all that means. i don't fault tony for thanking god. how could i? who else could he thank? (i mean besides the team, of course). the two best prayers i know (as i learned from Anne Lamott) are "thank you thank you thank you!" and "please help please help please help!" it's just that i don't understand. i mean obviously toni and lovie were both PRAYING for victory. why would god 'help' the colts and not the bears? or 'bless' (i use that term very vehhhhry loosely) toni and not lovie?
the implication in "thank God the colts won the superbowl spearheaded by a black, christian coach" is that these are the qualities that god is seeking in the people he helps. would one thank "love" for that stuff? don't think so. hmm... now the wheelse are starting off to a slow chug on my train of thought. i'll have to chew on that one.
please help please help please help!
Saturday, February 03, 2007
universalist, agnostic (ish), christ-follower
this sums up my position on spirituality at the moment. i believe in God, Whom I will refer to as Love from now on, cuz that just makes more sense to me. i believe Grace is available to every single human being so lovingly created by ths Love and as Spencer Burke put it (sort of) in A HERETIC'S GUIDE TO ETERNITY: grace is a miracle because it is not controlled, managed or dispensed by human beings or our religions. the way i see it, if you are seeking Love, you will encounter Love and Love will encounter you. for me Jesus' life was all about this love. for me, the LIFE of Jesus was critcally important. his way of life and loving was as close to perfect as i've heard or read about. i think his death was significant but i am not sure what it was really about. i think that's about something much bigger than i could think or imagine.
still, i have no certainties. i hold fast to no absolutes. i release religion. and the sense of liberation i feel is incredible! i am still not sure (as i said) about all that i believe. but i know what i don't believe anymore. i DO believe that everyone is in unless they choose to be out. i don't know what that means or how that looks. i DON'T believe that Love would condemn kind, gentle loving people all over the world (even not so kind or gentle but still seeking and sharing Love) because they didn't fit a very narrow set of rules that seem, for the most part, to have been created by us humans.
i mean, when did Jesus ever say that we should judge people and decide whether or not they would be getting to heaven? [scoff] fact is, he railed against religious people and all their ridiculous rules and institutionalization of faith. religious people (and i used to be one so i'm not casting stones so much as making an observation) are unable to see the forest for the trees right under their noses. but maybe they need to be given more grace and love than anyone else so they can recognize it a little more clearly. (someone i love dearly believes wholeheartedly that gay people cannot go to heaven NO MATTER WHAT. what TF is that about???? that's a hot button for me, obviously...) i digress.
i'm not claiming to have all the answers. or any answers for that matter. in fact, i mostly have questions. but the thing for me is that now that i have opened the doors and windows of my soul to let out the old dusty stuff i was holding on to, i have also allowed new fresh sun light and air in. and as long as one holds tightly to ones beliefs and (therefore to self-righteousness) it will be impossible to see or receive new truths. it's like saying - well i know everything i need to know thank you very much. i don't need to learn another new thing ever.
let's face it, reality - the universe, our lives, our ideas, our very bodies - are fluid and always changing. what was true two minutes ago is not true now. and as i evolve as a peson, a woman, a mother, a friend, as my own individual, so too does my concept of God. and for this i am eternally grateful. because i have glanced over my shoulder at the road that led me here and though it's been good, i do not want to go backwards on it.
silence and clarity are yours.
still, i have no certainties. i hold fast to no absolutes. i release religion. and the sense of liberation i feel is incredible! i am still not sure (as i said) about all that i believe. but i know what i don't believe anymore. i DO believe that everyone is in unless they choose to be out. i don't know what that means or how that looks. i DON'T believe that Love would condemn kind, gentle loving people all over the world (even not so kind or gentle but still seeking and sharing Love) because they didn't fit a very narrow set of rules that seem, for the most part, to have been created by us humans.
i mean, when did Jesus ever say that we should judge people and decide whether or not they would be getting to heaven? [scoff] fact is, he railed against religious people and all their ridiculous rules and institutionalization of faith. religious people (and i used to be one so i'm not casting stones so much as making an observation) are unable to see the forest for the trees right under their noses. but maybe they need to be given more grace and love than anyone else so they can recognize it a little more clearly. (someone i love dearly believes wholeheartedly that gay people cannot go to heaven NO MATTER WHAT. what TF is that about???? that's a hot button for me, obviously...) i digress.
i'm not claiming to have all the answers. or any answers for that matter. in fact, i mostly have questions. but the thing for me is that now that i have opened the doors and windows of my soul to let out the old dusty stuff i was holding on to, i have also allowed new fresh sun light and air in. and as long as one holds tightly to ones beliefs and (therefore to self-righteousness) it will be impossible to see or receive new truths. it's like saying - well i know everything i need to know thank you very much. i don't need to learn another new thing ever.
let's face it, reality - the universe, our lives, our ideas, our very bodies - are fluid and always changing. what was true two minutes ago is not true now. and as i evolve as a peson, a woman, a mother, a friend, as my own individual, so too does my concept of God. and for this i am eternally grateful. because i have glanced over my shoulder at the road that led me here and though it's been good, i do not want to go backwards on it.
silence and clarity are yours.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
I am finding myself. I am finding that I am comfortable with the way I am right this second. Inside and OUT. This is what I need for myself so that I don't allow any shit to come at myself. God loves me exactly the way I am and if it's good enough for the One who made me - damn - it's good enough for me. This is not to say that I plan to stagnate and never change because this is it. The reality of the world I live in and the reality of who I am is fluid and changes even with each keystroke of a blog. But I MUST accept and love the cian i am today so that i can be a new, possibly improved, cian in ten minutes, ten hours, ten days, months, years etceterahhh etceterahhh eteceterahhhh. Below is an email convo I've just had with a loved one. It is one of my early attempts at putting up my hand palm facing outward and saying - no, you may not cross this boundary please. I am still learning how to do this as I have always felt unable to refuse shit from older adults. I felt (was taught) that it was disrespectful. Well, I think it's disrespectful to make offhanded comments about someone's weight. Sorry, you'll have to scroll to the bottom of this post and read backwards. I haven't the energy to rearrange it.
Comments are welcome and invited. Even the rude ones. It will give me a chance to practice telling people to talk to the hand.
On January 23rd, 10: 20 PM cian sawyer wrote:
Dear Someone,
regarding the "weight issue" I do appreciate your concern. As I said, I am sure you intended to look out for me. But yes, it came across badly. I have been this weight since I can remember (I want to say about seven years). I guess i'm at a sort of homeostasis. (even after two pregnancies i came right back to this spot on the scale.) I had lost 20+ lbs before (pre-lauryn) and found them back in no time.
In our home we eat whole grains (for the most part), have something green most nights with dinner, and have few sweet treats lying around. I play tennis once (sometimes twice) a week and I am very busy at school with my 10+ students. I am not a perfect eater. but my cholesterol, both good and bad are at healthy levels, all my organs are in good health and overall, everything checks out well.
maybe i went a little too far with the cake comment because i was upset about your comment. i really am sorry i didn't get it. i love christmas cake and will not refuse it if it is offered to me again. ;) hint hint. life is short. one must not miss out on the simple pleasures - especially those that only come around once a year.
the point of my tirade is that i am unwilling to accept criticism about my weight or my appearance from anyone anymore. even if they are well meaning. there is no one i know to whom i would ever say that kind of thing, unless they were morbidly obese and they asked for my advice. i know you love me and thanks for your concern, but no more please.
lots of love and big booby hugs to you,
me too
On Jan 19, 2007, at 1:21 PM, Someone wrote:
Cian,
Glad for the catch up. Got the sense that the weight issue came across badly. At the risk of pushing it. I am concerned for your health and the long tern effect that being over weight will and can cause. If you are healthy and comfortable with your weight then so am I. As we get older (the big "O") it gets increasingly important to stay healthy so just be aware of this. Will remember that maybe cake is not a good give for you, only if you promise not to over indulge, will send something else in future. Big hug up for the family take care of those colds like I know you can.
Love & Blessings
Me
On Jan 18, 2007, at 6:01 PM, cian sawyer wrote:
Dear Someone,
Sorry about the cake. I really thought that i would have been able to get it but things didn't work out the way i had hoped. You know how you always think that you have more time than you actually have? So, I waited too late. Thanks for sending it though.
......
About my weight. I am wondering what you are concerned about. If it is my health, there is no need to worry. I've just had a complete physical and everything is great. If it is about my physical appearance, then there is no need to worry either. I am choosing to stop believing the lie that skinny=attractive. I may be a little above average (not media average, real life average), but there is nothing wrong with they way I look. So, while i appreciate your concern for me and i am sure it is coming from a place of love, you don't need to worry or speak to me about my weight anymore. Either way, I guess it's a good thing I didn't get that cake then, eh?
love is blessing. and so, i am thankful to have plenty of that!
love,
cian
_________________________________________________________
On Jan 18, 2007, at 5:24 PM, Someone wrote:
Cian,
How goes it with you, I understand that you never collected the cake. I am most "disapoint" not to worry life goes on. ...... Take good care of yourself and family. Hope this year you will get busy with your weight loss program, I have started mine.
Love & Blessings Adundantley
Someone
Comments are welcome and invited. Even the rude ones. It will give me a chance to practice telling people to talk to the hand.
On January 23rd, 10: 20 PM cian sawyer wrote:
Dear Someone,
regarding the "weight issue" I do appreciate your concern. As I said, I am sure you intended to look out for me. But yes, it came across badly. I have been this weight since I can remember (I want to say about seven years). I guess i'm at a sort of homeostasis. (even after two pregnancies i came right back to this spot on the scale.) I had lost 20+ lbs before (pre-lauryn) and found them back in no time.
In our home we eat whole grains (for the most part), have something green most nights with dinner, and have few sweet treats lying around. I play tennis once (sometimes twice) a week and I am very busy at school with my 10+ students. I am not a perfect eater. but my cholesterol, both good and bad are at healthy levels, all my organs are in good health and overall, everything checks out well.
maybe i went a little too far with the cake comment because i was upset about your comment. i really am sorry i didn't get it. i love christmas cake and will not refuse it if it is offered to me again. ;) hint hint. life is short. one must not miss out on the simple pleasures - especially those that only come around once a year.
the point of my tirade is that i am unwilling to accept criticism about my weight or my appearance from anyone anymore. even if they are well meaning. there is no one i know to whom i would ever say that kind of thing, unless they were morbidly obese and they asked for my advice. i know you love me and thanks for your concern, but no more please.
lots of love and big booby hugs to you,
me too
On Jan 19, 2007, at 1:21 PM, Someone wrote:
Cian,
Glad for the catch up. Got the sense that the weight issue came across badly. At the risk of pushing it. I am concerned for your health and the long tern effect that being over weight will and can cause. If you are healthy and comfortable with your weight then so am I. As we get older (the big "O") it gets increasingly important to stay healthy so just be aware of this. Will remember that maybe cake is not a good give for you, only if you promise not to over indulge, will send something else in future. Big hug up for the family take care of those colds like I know you can.
Love & Blessings
Me
On Jan 18, 2007, at 6:01 PM, cian sawyer wrote:
Dear Someone,
Sorry about the cake. I really thought that i would have been able to get it but things didn't work out the way i had hoped. You know how you always think that you have more time than you actually have? So, I waited too late. Thanks for sending it though.
......
About my weight. I am wondering what you are concerned about. If it is my health, there is no need to worry. I've just had a complete physical and everything is great. If it is about my physical appearance, then there is no need to worry either. I am choosing to stop believing the lie that skinny=attractive. I may be a little above average (not media average, real life average), but there is nothing wrong with they way I look. So, while i appreciate your concern for me and i am sure it is coming from a place of love, you don't need to worry or speak to me about my weight anymore. Either way, I guess it's a good thing I didn't get that cake then, eh?
love is blessing. and so, i am thankful to have plenty of that!
love,
cian
_________________________________________________________
On Jan 18, 2007, at 5:24 PM, Someone wrote:
Cian,
How goes it with you, I understand that you never collected the cake. I am most "disapoint" not to worry life goes on. ...... Take good care of yourself and family. Hope this year you will get busy with your weight loss program, I have started mine.
Love & Blessings Adundantley
Someone
Monday, January 15, 2007
it's been year...
i cannot believe that i haven't posted since 2006. and i cannot believe that we are three weeks into january 2007 ALREADY! i hate to go into the regular old 'time is really flying' bit, but man, time is really flying! ...aaand cut.
everyone is sick. ryan has the snots and lauryn has a cough and i'm really fighting like hell to stave off this sore throat that's mounting it's best attack on me even as i type. *sigh* i let them both stay home today and knocked off work early to come relieve nathan of the childcare duties because his boss is real whip cracker! (on the off chance that your brain, like mine, is easily distracted by shiny or interesting things that lure you off the tracks of your train of thought - no, there was no pun intended with the whole 'cracker' thing. i simply meant a person who cracks the whip; therefore a whipcracker. okay back to the tracks) so he couldn't watch them for long and i had to hurry home. i couldn't take them to janet @ deborah's because will is sick and three sick kids is enough to drive anyone to drink. and we couldn't have that.
looking at buying a condo. although it looks doubtful (i wanted to say dubious but i think that would imply dodginess and that's not what i mean so i went with doubtful) because the guy says he think there are only one or two units left to reserve. shit. it's a good deal. for here, anyway. pre-con starts at 249 (K) for 2/2 with laminate wood floors (although i thought it was either/or but the email said laminate wood floors), granite countertops in kitchen and bath, walk-in closet in master, brushed nickel fixtures, what else? oh, oversized tub in master suite (hmmm? nice, right?) 9' ceilings - which are not super great, i guess average - okay i just read the advert: recessed lighting, solid wood cabinet doors in kitchen and bath... you get the picture. and only $5K down. crap. well, what is to be... i'll keep you posted on that. and also talk more about the whole decision making process later.
been thinking about my 30th and i don't know if we'll be able to pull of the jamaica party. but i'm thinking of doing an exuma trip as an alternative. the exuma cays are my second favorite place next to JA. the water down there is stunning at it's worst. breath-taking is a huge understatement. i honestly cannot describe it to you. so, we'll see how that unfolds too.
okay, i have to shower. last piece of news, i got my fourth period since december 2002 on saturday. yes, i said fourth (4th). ain't life pretty when you're knocked up and/or breastfeeding. the second was december 2004 then i got preggers with you know who and the third was october 2006 and now the fourth january 2007. i've made an appointment with the ever wonderful dr. lyons to put in a mirena (IUD) because i have basically surrendered and thrown in the white towel on the birth control drama. honestly. i really can't stand the idea of artificial hormones being pumped into my body by some foreign object living in my womb, but it's still much more pleasant than bloody condoms (blech!!! i HATE those things) and easier than remember to swallow a pill every single day for the rest of my life. (well, till the pause anyway). well that's a whole other blog entry too. could probably be a blog unto itself...
sniff sniff. is it possible to OD on vitamin C?
everyone is sick. ryan has the snots and lauryn has a cough and i'm really fighting like hell to stave off this sore throat that's mounting it's best attack on me even as i type. *sigh* i let them both stay home today and knocked off work early to come relieve nathan of the childcare duties because his boss is real whip cracker! (on the off chance that your brain, like mine, is easily distracted by shiny or interesting things that lure you off the tracks of your train of thought - no, there was no pun intended with the whole 'cracker' thing. i simply meant a person who cracks the whip; therefore a whipcracker. okay back to the tracks) so he couldn't watch them for long and i had to hurry home. i couldn't take them to janet @ deborah's because will is sick and three sick kids is enough to drive anyone to drink. and we couldn't have that.
looking at buying a condo. although it looks doubtful (i wanted to say dubious but i think that would imply dodginess and that's not what i mean so i went with doubtful) because the guy says he think there are only one or two units left to reserve. shit. it's a good deal. for here, anyway. pre-con starts at 249 (K) for 2/2 with laminate wood floors (although i thought it was either/or but the email said laminate wood floors), granite countertops in kitchen and bath, walk-in closet in master, brushed nickel fixtures, what else? oh, oversized tub in master suite (hmmm? nice, right?) 9' ceilings - which are not super great, i guess average - okay i just read the advert: recessed lighting, solid wood cabinet doors in kitchen and bath... you get the picture. and only $5K down. crap. well, what is to be... i'll keep you posted on that. and also talk more about the whole decision making process later.
been thinking about my 30th and i don't know if we'll be able to pull of the jamaica party. but i'm thinking of doing an exuma trip as an alternative. the exuma cays are my second favorite place next to JA. the water down there is stunning at it's worst. breath-taking is a huge understatement. i honestly cannot describe it to you. so, we'll see how that unfolds too.
okay, i have to shower. last piece of news, i got my fourth period since december 2002 on saturday. yes, i said fourth (4th). ain't life pretty when you're knocked up and/or breastfeeding. the second was december 2004 then i got preggers with you know who and the third was october 2006 and now the fourth january 2007. i've made an appointment with the ever wonderful dr. lyons to put in a mirena (IUD) because i have basically surrendered and thrown in the white towel on the birth control drama. honestly. i really can't stand the idea of artificial hormones being pumped into my body by some foreign object living in my womb, but it's still much more pleasant than bloody condoms (blech!!! i HATE those things) and easier than remember to swallow a pill every single day for the rest of my life. (well, till the pause anyway). well that's a whole other blog entry too. could probably be a blog unto itself...
sniff sniff. is it possible to OD on vitamin C?
Saturday, December 30, 2006
and i want to pass it on (pass it on...)
besides the fact that i am having a mini faith crisis (again!) - well, maybe not so mini because i am actually wondering if i believe the bible anymore and also questioning why The Deity doesn't show up for every child (in a hurtful/abusive situation) who prays for help. so, as i was saying besides that crisis of faith, i think i'm doing okay.
i am posting this short message to try and spread the word about this site i go to every so often. more likely than not, you've recieved the email pleading with you to go to The Breast Cancer Site and click to provide free mammograms. if you have then you may already have seen the other sites to which it is attached such as the clicks for child hunger, animal rescue, literacy and rainforest preservation. well, they also have stores that sell fairly traded goods as well as food provision 'kits' or even 'send two girls to school in afghanistan' gifts. it seems to be on the up and up and i thought it would be a good place to shop online so i'm providing them with an albeit miniscule but gratis advertisement. So go to the Child Hunger Site Shop and look around. you may find something unique and interesting.
i need to talk more about my 'where is god' stuff, but not now. it's 11:37 (PM) and i need to get to sleep. so go already!
i am posting this short message to try and spread the word about this site i go to every so often. more likely than not, you've recieved the email pleading with you to go to The Breast Cancer Site and click to provide free mammograms. if you have then you may already have seen the other sites to which it is attached such as the clicks for child hunger, animal rescue, literacy and rainforest preservation. well, they also have stores that sell fairly traded goods as well as food provision 'kits' or even 'send two girls to school in afghanistan' gifts. it seems to be on the up and up and i thought it would be a good place to shop online so i'm providing them with an albeit miniscule but gratis advertisement. So go to the Child Hunger Site Shop and look around. you may find something unique and interesting.
i need to talk more about my 'where is god' stuff, but not now. it's 11:37 (PM) and i need to get to sleep. so go already!
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
consumerus christmas
well, it's over. 20 some days of shopping and madness for 20 minutes (at the most) of paper ripping fun. and i am feeling kind of happy about how we 'did christmas' this year. well, to be really honest i think i would like a bit more balance. maybe we went a bit far on the scale when we went with no gifts for anyone at all except lauryn. that's right, we bought and wrapped ONE SINGLE gift this year and it was for little lauryn. none for ryan because there are things he needs and he doesn't know the difference yet. there is a part of me inside that holds tightly to 'what i know' and feels awkward about that.
i think it could also be the same part of me that wishes that we had bought gifts for our immediate family. i missed that feeling of seeing joy on someone's face when they open something that you gave them (that they are happy to receieve, anyway). don't get me wrong, i am still very happy to know that we gave toward the wells for people without drinking water as well as the aids support group in the bahamas and i KNOW this kind of giving will be a part of our tradition. but, perhaps in an effort to remove ourselves from the vortex of consumerism (by remove ourselves i mean trying to climb OUT of the hole into which we have already fallen)... as i was saying we may have taken it a bit too far and missed out on the genuine sharing and caring that (can) happen/s. now that it's all said and done, i really wish we'd gotten gifts for my mom and sisters. and for my friends' kids (and my two wives too). i would like to have gotten something for nathan too. and yes, i would be remiss if i didnt' say that i would like to have gotten something from him. this is, after all, the 'reminder' time of year where it's designated 'show appreciation for everyone you love' time. and humans kind of need that. a reminder to do something to show friends you really appreciate them. (which is a good policy to ensure that no obligatory or duress gifts are purchased too. as in: i have to buy a gift for suzie because she's gonna buy one for me. or i don't even really like so-and-so but i have to buy a gift for him..
:/ but we are going to get a few pieces of clothes (to replace my washed- and stretched-out, and very stained tee shirts and replace some of nathan's wicked old shirts too. again, my thoughts lead me to the path of balance. always the thing i am hoping to achieve in pretty much everything i do.
can you believe i thought i could limit how many presents lauryn was allowed to open to three???? haha! what a laugh! she only had like 5 or 6 under the tree, so it wasn't that bad (like 12 or 13, in which case i think would really have tried to make some kind of cut off till later) and she did show genuine appreciation for the gifts so that was okay. but then, i guess i robbed her of the feeling of giving too. let's face it, she has no concept of giving money to charitable organisations. and there is so much fun in picking out things for someone you love. so next year, we will move further in, toward the cente of the scale and try not to tip it too much in one direction or another.
still, the idea of sharing with those who need more than we do and being in community with the children at the orphanage is something i plan to incorporate into our regular lives next year. (i.e. not just waiting till christmas to 'give' of ourselves and our pockets).
okay, ryan is getting mommy restless. nathan can only hold him for so long with the ball. i gotta run.
i think it could also be the same part of me that wishes that we had bought gifts for our immediate family. i missed that feeling of seeing joy on someone's face when they open something that you gave them (that they are happy to receieve, anyway). don't get me wrong, i am still very happy to know that we gave toward the wells for people without drinking water as well as the aids support group in the bahamas and i KNOW this kind of giving will be a part of our tradition. but, perhaps in an effort to remove ourselves from the vortex of consumerism (by remove ourselves i mean trying to climb OUT of the hole into which we have already fallen)... as i was saying we may have taken it a bit too far and missed out on the genuine sharing and caring that (can) happen/s. now that it's all said and done, i really wish we'd gotten gifts for my mom and sisters. and for my friends' kids (and my two wives too). i would like to have gotten something for nathan too. and yes, i would be remiss if i didnt' say that i would like to have gotten something from him. this is, after all, the 'reminder' time of year where it's designated 'show appreciation for everyone you love' time. and humans kind of need that. a reminder to do something to show friends you really appreciate them. (which is a good policy to ensure that no obligatory or duress gifts are purchased too. as in: i have to buy a gift for suzie because she's gonna buy one for me. or i don't even really like so-and-so but i have to buy a gift for him..
:/ but we are going to get a few pieces of clothes (to replace my washed- and stretched-out, and very stained tee shirts and replace some of nathan's wicked old shirts too. again, my thoughts lead me to the path of balance. always the thing i am hoping to achieve in pretty much everything i do.
can you believe i thought i could limit how many presents lauryn was allowed to open to three???? haha! what a laugh! she only had like 5 or 6 under the tree, so it wasn't that bad (like 12 or 13, in which case i think would really have tried to make some kind of cut off till later) and she did show genuine appreciation for the gifts so that was okay. but then, i guess i robbed her of the feeling of giving too. let's face it, she has no concept of giving money to charitable organisations. and there is so much fun in picking out things for someone you love. so next year, we will move further in, toward the cente of the scale and try not to tip it too much in one direction or another.
still, the idea of sharing with those who need more than we do and being in community with the children at the orphanage is something i plan to incorporate into our regular lives next year. (i.e. not just waiting till christmas to 'give' of ourselves and our pockets).
okay, ryan is getting mommy restless. nathan can only hold him for so long with the ball. i gotta run.
Monday, December 18, 2006
open season on nursing
do i go into peoples homes and say to them "why are you having soda? you should drink water instead." or "why on earth are you going to bed at 9? that's ridiculous! stay up till 11, if not 12!" or "you should get rid of this dog. it's irritating me."
are you catching my drift yet? how come people feel like it is perfectly fine to tell me how my nursing relationships with my children should look? why are people SO concerned about how many times a night my son is waking up? you mean he is STILL waking up??? why, my children all slept through the night by the time they were 8 weeks old. really? i guess it was super convenient to wean them, toss them into a crib and leave them to cry alone in the dark - or maybe toss them a bottle of artificial milk and comfort to cry with while you slept peacefully in a seperate room in your own damned bed?
i cannot think of a single thing we "teach" children by leaving them to cry alone in a room except to "fall asleep on their own". when, in actual fact, what these babies are really learning is that they are worthless and the people and the world around them are not to be trusted. ("now see here, timmy - you sit in this room until you can figure out how to dress yourself and tie your own shoes! you're two years old, dammit, it's about time you learned! and stop you blubberin'!") sure they seem fine enough as they go through the early years, but the disconnect will evidence itself when these children/adults try to form meaningful relationships. hello? look at our western society chockoblock full of people who don't touch or even get too close to each other... yet we know full well that humans need touch, look at all the people paying masseuses (sp?) for touch.
we're all about the personal space. which i respect, but it's really a NO TOUCH society! thank heavens for the loving latin culture where everyone kisses and hugs everyone else. let's hope they can influence americans and not vice versa.
the high touch, intimate relationship that is breastfeeding (we say breast feeding because we must differentiate from bottle feeding, which is ridiculous. it should just be feeding and the breast part be understood!) anyway, the bodily contact in breastfeeding is such a perfect way to foster a nurturing individual (in both the baby and the mom). unless bottle feeding mothers are prepared to remove a portion of their clothes for each feeding, this part of the bonding is missed. what's my point here? i kinda lost some steam cuz i am doing this over a two day period. but i think whay i'm getting at, bottom line is that it pisses me off royally that people (in my familial circles) feel like i need advice on how to handle feeding and nurturing my son. "give him a bottle of water when he wakes up. that'll stop him!" i try to be kind and make jokes about how my cut off is when he's ready for college or how it's much easier for me to just stick the boob in and go back to sleep (which, duh! of course it is - that's whole damned evolutionary point!) but next time i think i'll nicely but bluntly say that i am happy with it - actually WE are happy with it - and he will wean when he is bloody well good and ready. (or me whichever comes first -but i'm hoping to stick it out for him.)
well, this has taken me long enough to rant. let me get on with life. it's off to FL tomorrow to visit my mum and sisters for christmas but that's a whole other blog...
are you catching my drift yet? how come people feel like it is perfectly fine to tell me how my nursing relationships with my children should look? why are people SO concerned about how many times a night my son is waking up? you mean he is STILL waking up??? why, my children all slept through the night by the time they were 8 weeks old. really? i guess it was super convenient to wean them, toss them into a crib and leave them to cry alone in the dark - or maybe toss them a bottle of artificial milk and comfort to cry with while you slept peacefully in a seperate room in your own damned bed?
i cannot think of a single thing we "teach" children by leaving them to cry alone in a room except to "fall asleep on their own". when, in actual fact, what these babies are really learning is that they are worthless and the people and the world around them are not to be trusted. ("now see here, timmy - you sit in this room until you can figure out how to dress yourself and tie your own shoes! you're two years old, dammit, it's about time you learned! and stop you blubberin'!") sure they seem fine enough as they go through the early years, but the disconnect will evidence itself when these children/adults try to form meaningful relationships. hello? look at our western society chockoblock full of people who don't touch or even get too close to each other... yet we know full well that humans need touch, look at all the people paying masseuses (sp?) for touch.
we're all about the personal space. which i respect, but it's really a NO TOUCH society! thank heavens for the loving latin culture where everyone kisses and hugs everyone else. let's hope they can influence americans and not vice versa.
the high touch, intimate relationship that is breastfeeding (we say breast feeding because we must differentiate from bottle feeding, which is ridiculous. it should just be feeding and the breast part be understood!) anyway, the bodily contact in breastfeeding is such a perfect way to foster a nurturing individual (in both the baby and the mom). unless bottle feeding mothers are prepared to remove a portion of their clothes for each feeding, this part of the bonding is missed. what's my point here? i kinda lost some steam cuz i am doing this over a two day period. but i think whay i'm getting at, bottom line is that it pisses me off royally that people (in my familial circles) feel like i need advice on how to handle feeding and nurturing my son. "give him a bottle of water when he wakes up. that'll stop him!" i try to be kind and make jokes about how my cut off is when he's ready for college or how it's much easier for me to just stick the boob in and go back to sleep (which, duh! of course it is - that's whole damned evolutionary point!) but next time i think i'll nicely but bluntly say that i am happy with it - actually WE are happy with it - and he will wean when he is bloody well good and ready. (or me whichever comes first -but i'm hoping to stick it out for him.)
well, this has taken me long enough to rant. let me get on with life. it's off to FL tomorrow to visit my mum and sisters for christmas but that's a whole other blog...
Saturday, December 09, 2006
the REST is not history, but mystory
so last post i was trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. how come i can't - won't - stay alone with my darling children. and i know the answer: i am too tired. i need more rest. (gosh why is this falling flat even as i type it?) c'mon, cian, rest? who doesn't need rest? you say. but what i'm saying is that i have been nursing and growing babies for the past three years. and not in the 'traditional' way.
'traditional' here translates to: leaving them to cry, sleeping seperately, using formula (or bottles!), going back to a full time job, weaning them before they are ready (lauryn nursed till she was 34 months and, of course, i've only just begun with ryan, haven't i?), feeding them crap filled with PHOs, food coloring, sugar... basically just going with the flow.
i'd like to say i'm a crunchy granola mom (hey, i don't vaccinate and i buy organic!) but i don't think i've made it all the way over there either. has lauryn ever eaten a hot dog? yeah a couple of times (3 or 4 maybe), fast food? hello! KFC anyone? candy? sadly, yes. so, i'm not like making my breads from scratch or growing my own organic vegetables. but what i am is INTENTIONAL. the decisions i make are not done lightly. i may not always make the right one, but i am always doing so with the best intentions. as in, what will this mean days, weeks, months and several years down the line? so maybe i'm crunchy store bought, organic granola.
i mean, i honestly don't know how anyone can do this - waking up several times a night for years, showing up every single day, being present with your kids - in isolation! it's just not the way it was meant to be. right now, my house is clean. and that is because of my two best friends who were here yesterday with their kids and they cleaned my home for me. because i could not. i am the only mom i know who has not had any 'professional help' (as i a paid homekeeper) with managing my home. the dishes, the laundry, the floors, the beds, the cooking the everything still needs mine and nathan's attention in the middle of me working full- and part-time (for me now) and looking after our 3 and 1 year olds.
(i think i'm defending myself because i'm imagining people reading this with raised eyebrows and rolling eyes.) but the truth is, i have to justify my tired feelings to myself sometimes. which is absolutely ridiculous. ree-dic-yoo-luss!
of course i am grateful for every single moment that i am present with my children. as i said to my grandmother this morning, if i don't raise my kids, someone else will and i'm sure they won't do it the way i want. i see no point in bearing children just to hand them off to someone else to raise for you. not during these tender, formative years especially. but, that's another soapbox.
all this to say, --- actually no, i don't think that if i got 10 straight hours of sleep every night guaranteed, it would mean that i could stay home alone with my kids every day. bottom line, it takes a village. and that village for me is very clearly defined in the women who are sharing this journey with me - namely deborah and christine. thank God for them.
so we continue to strive to be together as much as possible so our kids can play with each other while we watch, participate (sparingly :), encourage, correct and love them.
silence | clarity | peace
'traditional' here translates to: leaving them to cry, sleeping seperately, using formula (or bottles!), going back to a full time job, weaning them before they are ready (lauryn nursed till she was 34 months and, of course, i've only just begun with ryan, haven't i?), feeding them crap filled with PHOs, food coloring, sugar... basically just going with the flow.
i'd like to say i'm a crunchy granola mom (hey, i don't vaccinate and i buy organic!) but i don't think i've made it all the way over there either. has lauryn ever eaten a hot dog? yeah a couple of times (3 or 4 maybe), fast food? hello! KFC anyone? candy? sadly, yes. so, i'm not like making my breads from scratch or growing my own organic vegetables. but what i am is INTENTIONAL. the decisions i make are not done lightly. i may not always make the right one, but i am always doing so with the best intentions. as in, what will this mean days, weeks, months and several years down the line? so maybe i'm crunchy store bought, organic granola.
i mean, i honestly don't know how anyone can do this - waking up several times a night for years, showing up every single day, being present with your kids - in isolation! it's just not the way it was meant to be. right now, my house is clean. and that is because of my two best friends who were here yesterday with their kids and they cleaned my home for me. because i could not. i am the only mom i know who has not had any 'professional help' (as i a paid homekeeper) with managing my home. the dishes, the laundry, the floors, the beds, the cooking the everything still needs mine and nathan's attention in the middle of me working full- and part-time (for me now) and looking after our 3 and 1 year olds.
(i think i'm defending myself because i'm imagining people reading this with raised eyebrows and rolling eyes.) but the truth is, i have to justify my tired feelings to myself sometimes. which is absolutely ridiculous. ree-dic-yoo-luss!
of course i am grateful for every single moment that i am present with my children. as i said to my grandmother this morning, if i don't raise my kids, someone else will and i'm sure they won't do it the way i want. i see no point in bearing children just to hand them off to someone else to raise for you. not during these tender, formative years especially. but, that's another soapbox.
all this to say, --- actually no, i don't think that if i got 10 straight hours of sleep every night guaranteed, it would mean that i could stay home alone with my kids every day. bottom line, it takes a village. and that village for me is very clearly defined in the women who are sharing this journey with me - namely deborah and christine. thank God for them.
so we continue to strive to be together as much as possible so our kids can play with each other while we watch, participate (sparingly :), encourage, correct and love them.
silence | clarity | peace
Sunday, December 03, 2006
being a mother on sunday, dec. 3rd 2006
warning: this is going to be honest and raw. reader discretion is advised.
okay - this morning nathan got up with the kids at 6:15 so i could sleep in. he came to wake me at 8 so he could go to the supermarket before we went to church. (honestly, i was sad.) and as i dragged myself to a state of wakefulness, i began to feel a kind of apprehensive feeling. i began to dread - yes dread - getting up out of the bed and facing my two [albeit darling] children. i didn't like that feeling. what was that about? i was scared to be alone with them. i was unwilling to 'face' dressing the two of them and myself while nathan was out doing [an albeit noble thing] the grocery shopping. i didn't even like to make those words in my head. what kind of mother, i asked myself, doesn't want to be with her kids???
now this is not the first time i've not wanted to be alone with them. that's pretty much all the time. for me, it's much easier to mother in community (usually with DST). am i alone in this? does every other mom on planet earth relish being alone at home with her two (or more) young children? i am trying to articulate to myself what exactly it is that i am afraid of. and i can't say for sure.
but i don't have the time to ponder that right now. i have to run. i'll chew on this and write another post.
okay - this morning nathan got up with the kids at 6:15 so i could sleep in. he came to wake me at 8 so he could go to the supermarket before we went to church. (honestly, i was sad.) and as i dragged myself to a state of wakefulness, i began to feel a kind of apprehensive feeling. i began to dread - yes dread - getting up out of the bed and facing my two [albeit darling] children. i didn't like that feeling. what was that about? i was scared to be alone with them. i was unwilling to 'face' dressing the two of them and myself while nathan was out doing [an albeit noble thing] the grocery shopping. i didn't even like to make those words in my head. what kind of mother, i asked myself, doesn't want to be with her kids???
now this is not the first time i've not wanted to be alone with them. that's pretty much all the time. for me, it's much easier to mother in community (usually with DST). am i alone in this? does every other mom on planet earth relish being alone at home with her two (or more) young children? i am trying to articulate to myself what exactly it is that i am afraid of. and i can't say for sure.
but i don't have the time to ponder that right now. i have to run. i'll chew on this and write another post.
the enormous red elephant
friday, as we all know, was world aids day.
i live in a country where we have one the highest per capita rates of infection in the world. http://www.census.gov/ipc/hiv/bahamas.pdf
i live in a country that claims to be a "christan nation" (church on every corner, that kind of thing).
i live in a country where no one cares about aids. (well except for some of the members of new providence church community and a few other individuals. but not the religious community at large.)
this math does not add up. what kind of followers of Christ would not care about people dying in their midst? i feel i should say a prayer for our country and for all our brothers and sisters here and abroad who are suffering and dying because of this disease.
dear Mother,
from You all good things flow. it is in Your secret place that we have each been created in Your image. You are our Mother and You are our Father. i am so sad when i think about all the people whose lives have been affected by this epidemic. and i know that You are sadder still. no one could care more about Your children than You do.
my prayer, dear Mother is that our hearts would be filled with Your love and compassion for the men, women and children who are suffering and dying from this sickness. and also for those who are left behind without mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends. and may this be a true love that motivates us to do something. to speak, to serve, to give, to share - to show up. may the light of The Christ Jesus be evident. no, not just evident - bright and shining and warm. shared with everyone without discrimination or judgement.
this is my prayer.
amen
i live in a country where we have one the highest per capita rates of infection in the world. http://www.census.gov/ipc/hiv/bahamas.pdf
i live in a country that claims to be a "christan nation" (church on every corner, that kind of thing).
i live in a country where no one cares about aids. (well except for some of the members of new providence church community and a few other individuals. but not the religious community at large.)
this math does not add up. what kind of followers of Christ would not care about people dying in their midst? i feel i should say a prayer for our country and for all our brothers and sisters here and abroad who are suffering and dying because of this disease.
dear Mother,
from You all good things flow. it is in Your secret place that we have each been created in Your image. You are our Mother and You are our Father. i am so sad when i think about all the people whose lives have been affected by this epidemic. and i know that You are sadder still. no one could care more about Your children than You do.
my prayer, dear Mother is that our hearts would be filled with Your love and compassion for the men, women and children who are suffering and dying from this sickness. and also for those who are left behind without mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends. and may this be a true love that motivates us to do something. to speak, to serve, to give, to share - to show up. may the light of The Christ Jesus be evident. no, not just evident - bright and shining and warm. shared with everyone without discrimination or judgement.
this is my prayer.
amen
Thursday, November 30, 2006
i have the right to choose
sometimes i forget that i am not really obligated to anything. sometimes i say that i don't have a choice. but the fact is that i do. and for this i am very thankful.
i am choosing to nurse my toddler. i am choosing to work part-time to earn some extra income (to afford me more choice, by the way). i choose to stay or go. i choose to keep my children in bed with me. (well, lauryn in the room in her own bed). i choose to keep lauryn in my playgroup . (well, maybe i don't get to choose whether i want to be up at FIVE or SIX AM most mornings, but still i choose - usually - to be present with my children even though i'd much rather turn on the drug box (TV) and let them babysit themselves while i rest (phew, that was a long one!)). i choose to spend almost too much money on organic dairy so that lauryn will not need a bra at age 5. (or so i hope).
i choose all these things and more. and i take responsibility for my choices. i must. i want, after all, to have a say in my life.
so tonight, even though i have lofty yearnings to ponder st. nicholas at christmas or peggy o'mara's incredible editorial in this month's magazine, the sleep rests heavily upon my shoulders and my lids so i must answer it's intoxicating call and leave my thoughts at this: thank Goddess for the right to choose. may we all be able to recognise and actualize this gift that is inherently human. (my prayers for my brothers and sisters who cannot.)
silence | clarity | peace
i am choosing to nurse my toddler. i am choosing to work part-time to earn some extra income (to afford me more choice, by the way). i choose to stay or go. i choose to keep my children in bed with me. (well, lauryn in the room in her own bed). i choose to keep lauryn in my playgroup . (well, maybe i don't get to choose whether i want to be up at FIVE or SIX AM most mornings, but still i choose - usually - to be present with my children even though i'd much rather turn on the drug box (TV) and let them babysit themselves while i rest (phew, that was a long one!)). i choose to spend almost too much money on organic dairy so that lauryn will not need a bra at age 5. (or so i hope).
i choose all these things and more. and i take responsibility for my choices. i must. i want, after all, to have a say in my life.
so tonight, even though i have lofty yearnings to ponder st. nicholas at christmas or peggy o'mara's incredible editorial in this month's magazine, the sleep rests heavily upon my shoulders and my lids so i must answer it's intoxicating call and leave my thoughts at this: thank Goddess for the right to choose. may we all be able to recognise and actualize this gift that is inherently human. (my prayers for my brothers and sisters who cannot.)
silence | clarity | peace
Sunday, November 26, 2006
BOTs II
a friend emailed some comments about my BOT rant. she very kindly disagreed with my outright banishment of all BOTs. and so, i thought i would post my response. reason being that i didn't really *think* too hard about what i wrote. i was just spewing out my *feelings* on the toys. really, i was just posting to share the link to the nice wooden toys. then i got all huffy (as i usually do) about the BOTs and renounced the whole lot. so, here is my response:
about the BOTs, i agree that some of them have their place. but i personally will not spend any money on any of them. if they are given to us by well meaning loved ones, i weigh out the pros and cons and decide whether it's worth keeping. and whatever i do keep, when the batts die, i do not replace them. we did get one of those Fisher Price rock and roll pianos for lauryn for her 1st b-day and it's still going strong. serves as a quick 5 minute respite for ryan sometimes but he's not too interested most of the time. things like containers and lids, bottles and their caps, building blocks, stackers - those seem to hold his attention more. [but in all fairness, he seems to be much more of a 'techy' baby than lauryn was]
i guess my problem with BOTs - aside from my personal bother - is that i think most parents get them as babysitters. an alternative to actually being with their child(ren). so maybe i'm judging the toys and the parents too harshly (?)
i'm not interested in teaching my toddler/pre-schooler phonics or things like that. i'm not interested in having a battery operated bear "read' stories to my kids. i'd rather show up the best i can and let's talk about stuff. (wow, look at that tree! is that an ant? how many stones did you find?) - okay sorry this is turning into a blog entry!! (LOL)
you get my drift though. they aren't all evil, but they are kind of like the candy/junk food of toys - sure i'll have a few but i'll keep it to a minimum! few and far between...
end quote (slightly modified).
my take away message (unsolicited advice, that is) then is pretty clear, i guess: get good toys as much as you can and allow a BOT or two to make an appearance sometimes.
silence | clarity | peace
about the BOTs, i agree that some of them have their place. but i personally will not spend any money on any of them. if they are given to us by well meaning loved ones, i weigh out the pros and cons and decide whether it's worth keeping. and whatever i do keep, when the batts die, i do not replace them. we did get one of those Fisher Price rock and roll pianos for lauryn for her 1st b-day and it's still going strong. serves as a quick 5 minute respite for ryan sometimes but he's not too interested most of the time. things like containers and lids, bottles and their caps, building blocks, stackers - those seem to hold his attention more. [but in all fairness, he seems to be much more of a 'techy' baby than lauryn was]
i guess my problem with BOTs - aside from my personal bother - is that i think most parents get them as babysitters. an alternative to actually being with their child(ren). so maybe i'm judging the toys and the parents too harshly (?)
i'm not interested in teaching my toddler/pre-schooler phonics or things like that. i'm not interested in having a battery operated bear "read' stories to my kids. i'd rather show up the best i can and let's talk about stuff. (wow, look at that tree! is that an ant? how many stones did you find?) - okay sorry this is turning into a blog entry!! (LOL)
you get my drift though. they aren't all evil, but they are kind of like the candy/junk food of toys - sure i'll have a few but i'll keep it to a minimum! few and far between...
end quote (slightly modified).
my take away message (unsolicited advice, that is) then is pretty clear, i guess: get good toys as much as you can and allow a BOT or two to make an appearance sometimes.
silence | clarity | peace
Saturday, November 25, 2006
bring back that loving feeling... oh-oh that loving feeling
i hope that's what the guy is singing in the song. that is the first title that came to mind when i was thinking of all the things that are circling in my head. i told nathan it feels like a dryer just tumbling these thoughts around and around and around.
i want to say a couple of things. first off is that this is a forum for me to speak my mind freely. and i understand that many of the things on my mind are very much outside the average 'mind status quo'. a friend called the other day and said that i attack everybody and everything on here. i told her that maybe i should post a disclaimer that unless you are willing to risk knowing lots of things that one might not want to know, then it might be best not to read my blog. (you want the truth? you can't handle the truth!!!)
on the heals of that, i want to say that there are not many universal truths. i.e. what is true for me may not be true for you and vice versa. the one UNIVERSAL truth in which i believe without a doubt is that we must love one another.
we had a life group meeting last night. the first one for this group. the title of this group is "the feminine face of God" and we are, of course, a group of women who are coming together to journey into the the balance - key word: BALANCE - between the feminine and masculine qualities of The Deity. why am i telling you this? ... because we are a very diverse group. most of us from a traditional christian background but not many of us still walking that path. my mum was here for the meeting and i feel - [she] as a strong christian woman - she may have been greatly offended by the thoughts expressed. particularly thoughts expressed by me. before last night she never really knew my spiritual journey or where i am at right now. and where i am at right now (i've been thinking about this since nathan took ryan this morning at 6:30 so i could 'sleep in', which i didn't - i THOUGHT in).. anyway i summarise where i am right now by saying that i believe wholeheartedly in the perfect love of Christ and i believe wholeheartedly in the Divine Spirit we call God and that S/he IS LOVE. i believe that human beings are called to reflect this love that is given so gracefully to us, to each other. basically the engaging, the experience and the expression of God/Christ's love. after that, everything is questions. and for me, this is a wonderful place. but i don't think that makes a lot of sense to my mother. i feel she may think that i have gone off the deep end.
i am wrestling with this feeling because i usually only say [to my mother] what i think she will be okay with. and last night was a HUGE moment for me because i was completely honest and now i am nervous about how she will respond. i am trying so hard not to be nervous. i can't find the root of the thought that is causing this feeling. but we'll see how it goes. she got up and walked out silently after the closing prayer and we haven't spoken since then as it was bedtime when all was said and done.
i know that God loves me. right now exactly as i am. i know that none of these thoughts or ideas or questions come as a surprise to Her. i know He can take it. i know that i am SAFE. i guess that is the feeling i want with my mom. that is the feeling i strive to instill in my children. that no matter what, they are safe from judgment with me.
and so are you my sister. so are you my brother.
silence | clarity | LOVE
i want to say a couple of things. first off is that this is a forum for me to speak my mind freely. and i understand that many of the things on my mind are very much outside the average 'mind status quo'. a friend called the other day and said that i attack everybody and everything on here. i told her that maybe i should post a disclaimer that unless you are willing to risk knowing lots of things that one might not want to know, then it might be best not to read my blog. (you want the truth? you can't handle the truth!!!)
on the heals of that, i want to say that there are not many universal truths. i.e. what is true for me may not be true for you and vice versa. the one UNIVERSAL truth in which i believe without a doubt is that we must love one another.
we had a life group meeting last night. the first one for this group. the title of this group is "the feminine face of God" and we are, of course, a group of women who are coming together to journey into the the balance - key word: BALANCE - between the feminine and masculine qualities of The Deity. why am i telling you this? ... because we are a very diverse group. most of us from a traditional christian background but not many of us still walking that path. my mum was here for the meeting and i feel - [she] as a strong christian woman - she may have been greatly offended by the thoughts expressed. particularly thoughts expressed by me. before last night she never really knew my spiritual journey or where i am at right now. and where i am at right now (i've been thinking about this since nathan took ryan this morning at 6:30 so i could 'sleep in', which i didn't - i THOUGHT in).. anyway i summarise where i am right now by saying that i believe wholeheartedly in the perfect love of Christ and i believe wholeheartedly in the Divine Spirit we call God and that S/he IS LOVE. i believe that human beings are called to reflect this love that is given so gracefully to us, to each other. basically the engaging, the experience and the expression of God/Christ's love. after that, everything is questions. and for me, this is a wonderful place. but i don't think that makes a lot of sense to my mother. i feel she may think that i have gone off the deep end.
i am wrestling with this feeling because i usually only say [to my mother] what i think she will be okay with. and last night was a HUGE moment for me because i was completely honest and now i am nervous about how she will respond. i am trying so hard not to be nervous. i can't find the root of the thought that is causing this feeling. but we'll see how it goes. she got up and walked out silently after the closing prayer and we haven't spoken since then as it was bedtime when all was said and done.
i know that God loves me. right now exactly as i am. i know that none of these thoughts or ideas or questions come as a surprise to Her. i know He can take it. i know that i am SAFE. i guess that is the feeling i want with my mom. that is the feeling i strive to instill in my children. that no matter what, they are safe from judgment with me.
and so are you my sister. so are you my brother.
silence | clarity | LOVE
Sunday, November 19, 2006
some really cool toys
i have offically declared to myself and the world that i want nothing to do with any toy on earth that requires batteries. why, you may ask. well BOTs (battery operated toys) hail from an ideology of play that i do not agree with. (wow, i can't believe how well i articluated that in one go!) anyway - everything about them seems wrong and bothersome. not just to me, to the kids too. the sounds of the recorded voices (shiver), the ridiculous and often interrupted repition of the same thing over and over again. (it's lett.. it's letter time! it's. it's.. it's let.. it's letter t... it's...) you get my drift.
this seems to frustrate the kid who is trying to figure out what the point is. these toys are meant to be "teaching" our kids things. well, my kids dont need to be taught by a BOT and there is nothing under the sun that this self same BOT could teach any child that he couldn't learn through imagination, play and conversation with adults. letters, numbers, shapes - [shaking head, rolling eyes] who's really going to learn math and reading from a BOT? not toddlers.
as far as i am concerned, simple toys made of as much natural material as possible (ixnay on the asticplay and the acrylicay) without too much definition are the best kind. i mean, who hasn't seen a kid get HOURS of enjoyment out of a plain old cardboard box? that's because it can be anything from a house to a car to a boat to a table - to just about whatever the child wants it to be. dress up. pretend play. dolls. these are the things that foster tremendous growth and learning.
all that to say, hey i found this really cool site with some nice toys. (haha). i didn't even mean to spit out that whole spiel there. i just came on to put the link up. but, hey what's a blog for if you can't preach a little in the middle of the night?
and finally the link: http://www.oompa.com/cgi-bin/category/0
i wish you silence | clarity | peace
this seems to frustrate the kid who is trying to figure out what the point is. these toys are meant to be "teaching" our kids things. well, my kids dont need to be taught by a BOT and there is nothing under the sun that this self same BOT could teach any child that he couldn't learn through imagination, play and conversation with adults. letters, numbers, shapes - [shaking head, rolling eyes] who's really going to learn math and reading from a BOT? not toddlers.
as far as i am concerned, simple toys made of as much natural material as possible (ixnay on the asticplay and the acrylicay) without too much definition are the best kind. i mean, who hasn't seen a kid get HOURS of enjoyment out of a plain old cardboard box? that's because it can be anything from a house to a car to a boat to a table - to just about whatever the child wants it to be. dress up. pretend play. dolls. these are the things that foster tremendous growth and learning.
all that to say, hey i found this really cool site with some nice toys. (haha). i didn't even mean to spit out that whole spiel there. i just came on to put the link up. but, hey what's a blog for if you can't preach a little in the middle of the night?
and finally the link: http://www.oompa.com/cgi-bin/category/0
i wish you silence | clarity | peace
Friday, November 10, 2006
News, Weather & Sports [not]
oh hey bob, how're you doing? good. good. wife and kids okay? good. how bout them colts? good to see you bob. take care and give my love to the family...
and on and on the [bs] goes. just stop and think about 90% of the conversations people are having these days. it's all news. weather. sports. we are living in a current affairs society. there is nothing wrong with a news-weather-sports conversation except that, for the most part, it's all anyone is willing to discuss.
the stuff of real life seems to scare people away. no one really wants the honest answer to 'how are you?' these days. no one wants to hear ' well, actually dave, i think my marriage is falling apart and we worried how it will affect the kids.' neither does dave want to fess up that he misses his estranged brother and his heart hurts more every day because of it.
you see what i'm saying? even some of the simple real life stuff is too much for some people. the other day i was at a function and i got into a chat with an acquaintance and when i 'got crazy' (as i often do) and started talking about how difficult it was to adjust to a new social climate with racial and socio-economic tensions she almost tripped and fell as she RAN away from me. i am not being facetious, i think it was just too much for her. these are not the sort of things people should talk about at a party (?? i guess ??). i should have stuck to the weather.
i am just getting to the point where i am tired of pretending. acting like everything is abfab when sometimes - hey, sorry lala land citizens - it isn't! unless you live in a vacuum or a fairy tale, (and even in the fairy tales) you are guaranteed that the shizer is going to hit the fizer at least once for you. it's a guarantee. and if we continue to pretend with everyone all the time, we don't develop the ability to really need someone else to lean on. and for that to be okay.
but being in community is messy. it means that we have to be able to love each other through the shizer. just what God has called us to do. at the end of the day your situation may be different from my situation but sadness or anger or disappointment, even elation - these are all common emotions. i can and i want to be there for you through these things.
thankfully i have been blessed and/or lucky enough to find two friends (apart from dear Nathan) who give me the safe space to be me and i don't feel as though i will be judged by them.
i can't tell you how these women have shaped my simply by being the warm, open, loving arms of God without a hint or trace of judgment. this is how Christ's face is reflected. love your neighbour (no disclaimers or adjectives attached; i.e. not love your STRAIGHT neighbour or love our COMPATRIOT neighbour or love your BLACK neighbour - simply just love your neighbour.) and never stand by and let injustice prevail. do something. and not because it's 'the right thing to do' (that's ridiculous.) do something because you love the person or people upon whom the injustice is being perpetrated. because they ARE your brothers and sisters. (i'd like to note here that i think that if Jesus were walking on earth today, He'd probably be at the forefront of the gay rights movement.) (flinch)
(okay this is turning into a sermon but i just have to finish this thought and then i'm exiting the pulpit stage left!)
... bottom line: the fact is we are all ONE. i don't know how many different ways how many different people can say it but it is a fact. we all emanate from the same Spirit Who is the very breath that keeps us alive. The proper pronunciation of YHWH is the sound of an inhale/exhale. which means that every single person that breathes is calling up on the name of God. are we not then, all the same? brown pink beige yellow man woman rich poor smart not-so-smart gay or straight - we are all born of the same Creator in His and Her image.
i had this wild thought the other day when i was trying to work through my being-comfortable-in-my-skin issues and the thought is this: if we are made in God's image what if when I finally meet Her on the other side of this life, what if She looks just like me? And in the same token, just like you? and to every single person, they would see themselves in this God/Goddess. isn't that wild?
peace | love | love some more
and on and on the [bs] goes. just stop and think about 90% of the conversations people are having these days. it's all news. weather. sports. we are living in a current affairs society. there is nothing wrong with a news-weather-sports conversation except that, for the most part, it's all anyone is willing to discuss.
the stuff of real life seems to scare people away. no one really wants the honest answer to 'how are you?' these days. no one wants to hear ' well, actually dave, i think my marriage is falling apart and we worried how it will affect the kids.' neither does dave want to fess up that he misses his estranged brother and his heart hurts more every day because of it.
you see what i'm saying? even some of the simple real life stuff is too much for some people. the other day i was at a function and i got into a chat with an acquaintance and when i 'got crazy' (as i often do) and started talking about how difficult it was to adjust to a new social climate with racial and socio-economic tensions she almost tripped and fell as she RAN away from me. i am not being facetious, i think it was just too much for her. these are not the sort of things people should talk about at a party (?? i guess ??). i should have stuck to the weather.
i am just getting to the point where i am tired of pretending. acting like everything is abfab when sometimes - hey, sorry lala land citizens - it isn't! unless you live in a vacuum or a fairy tale, (and even in the fairy tales) you are guaranteed that the shizer is going to hit the fizer at least once for you. it's a guarantee. and if we continue to pretend with everyone all the time, we don't develop the ability to really need someone else to lean on. and for that to be okay.
but being in community is messy. it means that we have to be able to love each other through the shizer. just what God has called us to do. at the end of the day your situation may be different from my situation but sadness or anger or disappointment, even elation - these are all common emotions. i can and i want to be there for you through these things.
thankfully i have been blessed and/or lucky enough to find two friends (apart from dear Nathan) who give me the safe space to be me and i don't feel as though i will be judged by them.
i can't tell you how these women have shaped my simply by being the warm, open, loving arms of God without a hint or trace of judgment. this is how Christ's face is reflected. love your neighbour (no disclaimers or adjectives attached; i.e. not love your STRAIGHT neighbour or love our COMPATRIOT neighbour or love your BLACK neighbour - simply just love your neighbour.) and never stand by and let injustice prevail. do something. and not because it's 'the right thing to do' (that's ridiculous.) do something because you love the person or people upon whom the injustice is being perpetrated. because they ARE your brothers and sisters. (i'd like to note here that i think that if Jesus were walking on earth today, He'd probably be at the forefront of the gay rights movement.) (flinch)
(okay this is turning into a sermon but i just have to finish this thought and then i'm exiting the pulpit stage left!)
... bottom line: the fact is we are all ONE. i don't know how many different ways how many different people can say it but it is a fact. we all emanate from the same Spirit Who is the very breath that keeps us alive. The proper pronunciation of YHWH is the sound of an inhale/exhale. which means that every single person that breathes is calling up on the name of God. are we not then, all the same? brown pink beige yellow man woman rich poor smart not-so-smart gay or straight - we are all born of the same Creator in His and Her image.
i had this wild thought the other day when i was trying to work through my being-comfortable-in-my-skin issues and the thought is this: if we are made in God's image what if when I finally meet Her on the other side of this life, what if She looks just like me? And in the same token, just like you? and to every single person, they would see themselves in this God/Goddess. isn't that wild?
peace | love | love some more
Friday, November 03, 2006
sour grapes and whine
allow me a few minutes to release the reigns of adulthood so that i may drop to the floor to scream and kick, quite unresonably. ready? here goes:
i can't stand this!! today is one of those days when i am absolutely hating the fact that my kids are apparently meant to be living on a bloody farm. why? because they insist - INSIST in a twisting my arm kind of way - on waking up at or BEFORE the crack of dawn EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. (kick, scream, writhe). this is really getting to be too much! i am so TIRED!!! i keep telling myself i only have to keep up with this for thee more years (ish) but man, i am so over it. (i'll throw in a shrill, get-everyone-to-stare-at-you scream here.) you know i have friends whose kids sleep till TEN every morning. but then those kids are up till TEN or ELEVEN every night. what i want to know is: who are these people with the 12hr sleepers? the 8 to 8ers? exactly what kind of ambien for kids are they slipping in their bedtime snack? (bedtime snack. i say that like i give my kids such a thing.)
oh, the farmhands have found me! ryan even thinks it's appropriate to dance and smile with me. the audacity!! the brazeness of this kid. (oh no, i'm falling for it! i'm making smiley silly faces at him. can't stop myself...) *smirk*
okay, whine session over. (getting up and brushing myself off) *SIGH* (relieved sigh, not frustrated sigh).
they are beautiful children. farmhands though they be i LOVE em and i wouldn't trade them for several worlds. :)
thanks.
silence | clarity | sleep
p.s. i have to confess before i go that some of these 'bad feelings' amount to a little tiny bowl of resentment for my husband because i don't understand why he doesn't think he should get up with them in the week sometimes. yes, i do get ONE day on the weekend. and i AM thankful for that but - in, perhaps too much honesty - i want more.
i can't stand this!! today is one of those days when i am absolutely hating the fact that my kids are apparently meant to be living on a bloody farm. why? because they insist - INSIST in a twisting my arm kind of way - on waking up at or BEFORE the crack of dawn EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. (kick, scream, writhe). this is really getting to be too much! i am so TIRED!!! i keep telling myself i only have to keep up with this for thee more years (ish) but man, i am so over it. (i'll throw in a shrill, get-everyone-to-stare-at-you scream here.) you know i have friends whose kids sleep till TEN every morning. but then those kids are up till TEN or ELEVEN every night. what i want to know is: who are these people with the 12hr sleepers? the 8 to 8ers? exactly what kind of ambien for kids are they slipping in their bedtime snack? (bedtime snack. i say that like i give my kids such a thing.)
oh, the farmhands have found me! ryan even thinks it's appropriate to dance and smile with me. the audacity!! the brazeness of this kid. (oh no, i'm falling for it! i'm making smiley silly faces at him. can't stop myself...) *smirk*
okay, whine session over. (getting up and brushing myself off) *SIGH* (relieved sigh, not frustrated sigh).
they are beautiful children. farmhands though they be i LOVE em and i wouldn't trade them for several worlds. :)
thanks.
silence | clarity | sleep
p.s. i have to confess before i go that some of these 'bad feelings' amount to a little tiny bowl of resentment for my husband because i don't understand why he doesn't think he should get up with them in the week sometimes. yes, i do get ONE day on the weekend. and i AM thankful for that but - in, perhaps too much honesty - i want more.
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