I am finding myself. I am finding that I am comfortable with the way I am right this second. Inside and OUT. This is what I need for myself so that I don't allow any shit to come at myself. God loves me exactly the way I am and if it's good enough for the One who made me - damn - it's good enough for me. This is not to say that I plan to stagnate and never change because this is it. The reality of the world I live in and the reality of who I am is fluid and changes even with each keystroke of a blog. But I MUST accept and love the cian i am today so that i can be a new, possibly improved, cian in ten minutes, ten hours, ten days, months, years etceterahhh etceterahhh eteceterahhhh. Below is an email convo I've just had with a loved one. It is one of my early attempts at putting up my hand palm facing outward and saying - no, you may not cross this boundary please. I am still learning how to do this as I have always felt unable to refuse shit from older adults. I felt (was taught) that it was disrespectful. Well, I think it's disrespectful to make offhanded comments about someone's weight. Sorry, you'll have to scroll to the bottom of this post and read backwards. I haven't the energy to rearrange it.
Comments are welcome and invited. Even the rude ones. It will give me a chance to practice telling people to talk to the hand.
On January 23rd, 10: 20 PM cian sawyer wrote:
regarding the "weight issue" I do appreciate your concern. As I said, I am sure you intended to look out for me. But yes, it came across badly. I have been this weight since I can remember (I want to say about seven years). I guess i'm at a sort of homeostasis. (even after two pregnancies i came right back to this spot on the scale.) I had lost 20+ lbs before (pre-lauryn) and found them back in no time.
In our home we eat whole grains (for the most part), have something green most nights with dinner, and have few sweet treats lying around. I play tennis once (sometimes twice) a week and I am very busy at school with my 10+ students. I am not a perfect eater. but my cholesterol, both good and bad are at healthy levels, all my organs are in good health and overall, everything checks out well.
maybe i went a little too far with the cake comment because i was upset about your comment. i really am sorry i didn't get it. i love christmas cake and will not refuse it if it is offered to me again. ;) hint hint. life is short. one must not miss out on the simple pleasures - especially those that only come around once a year.
the point of my tirade is that i am unwilling to accept criticism about my weight or my appearance from anyone anymore. even if they are well meaning. there is no one i know to whom i would ever say that kind of thing, unless they were morbidly obese and they asked for my advice. i know you love me and thanks for your concern, but no more please.
lots of love and big booby hugs to you,
On Jan 19, 2007, at 1:21 PM, Someone wrote:
Glad for the catch up. Got the sense that the weight issue came across badly. At the risk of pushing it. I am concerned for your health and the long tern effect that being over weight will and can cause. If you are healthy and comfortable with your weight then so am I. As we get older (the big "O") it gets increasingly important to stay healthy so just be aware of this. Will remember that maybe cake is not a good give for you, only if you promise not to over indulge, will send something else in future. Big hug up for the family take care of those colds like I know you can.
Love & Blessings
On Jan 18, 2007, at 6:01 PM, cian sawyer wrote:
Sorry about the cake. I really thought that i would have been able to get it but things didn't work out the way i had hoped. You know how you always think that you have more time than you actually have? So, I waited too late. Thanks for sending it though.
About my weight. I am wondering what you are concerned about. If it is my health, there is no need to worry. I've just had a complete physical and everything is great. If it is about my physical appearance, then there is no need to worry either. I am choosing to stop believing the lie that skinny=attractive. I may be a little above average (not media average, real life average), but there is nothing wrong with they way I look. So, while i appreciate your concern for me and i am sure it is coming from a place of love, you don't need to worry or speak to me about my weight anymore. Either way, I guess it's a good thing I didn't get that cake then, eh?
love is blessing. and so, i am thankful to have plenty of that!
On Jan 18, 2007, at 5:24 PM, Someone wrote:
How goes it with you, I understand that you never collected the cake. I am most "disapoint" not to worry life goes on. ...... Take good care of yourself and family. Hope this year you will get busy with your weight loss program, I have started mine.
Love & Blessings Adundantley