Monday, April 05, 2010

what this woman wants

for the last, most recent space in time i have felt completely adrift. a bit like clinging to driftwood after a terrible storm. i have not known any thing. no, not one. everything became utterly unknowable and incomprehensibly dark.

i have felt as though Every Thing i knew, and all that has held my life-navigation vessel intact was destroyed leaving me- well, nowhere. absent. lost. forgotten.

forgotten.

erased.

vanished.

i am reminded now of a quote that says that it must become dark in order for the stars to shine. and yet i saw nary a twinkle.

until now.

i asked myself just now as i witnessed the stars and they returned the favor - what do i want? what does cian want? what does Love want for me?

and i saw a star. the luminescent beauty of which shone directly into and out of me.

what i want more than anything is to be (keep being) with my children. to Be With My Children.

To Be With My Children.

and suddenly i am tethered. something has grabbed a hold of me. and i grow in the awareness that not only am i seeing a star, but i am seeing stars. i am seeing and being seen by the whole universe. a universe that is within me, through me. is me.

this desire is mine. but Mine with a capital M because it is the oldest deepest desire of my heart.

i smile because this is true. and real. and tangible and knowable. i am tethered to none other than the north star and i can point my way home.

i can.

i can.

i can!

cian=ican

i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can!!!!!!!


/p.s. - i need to note that this is about what i want to do with my life. and my life begins with me + nathan, who has always been and continues to be the place in the ground of all being to which i am always anchored. it is from our place together as One that any movement in my journey begins.

2 comments:

brinabird said...

Cian you certainly have a way with words...your love for your children certainly shines bright like a star!

Milkshaken said...

Thank you SO much! I write what I feel. I am so glad to know it makes it through to the other side :) Bright like a star, even!