for the last, most recent space in time i have felt completely adrift. a bit like clinging to driftwood after a terrible storm. i have not known any thing. no, not one. everything became utterly unknowable and incomprehensibly dark.
i have felt as though Every Thing i knew, and all that has held my life-navigation vessel intact was destroyed leaving me- well, nowhere. absent. lost. forgotten.
i am reminded now of a quote that says that it must become dark in order for the stars to shine. and yet i saw nary a twinkle.
i asked myself just now as i witnessed the stars and they returned the favor - what do i want? what does cian want? what does Love want for me?
and i saw a star. the luminescent beauty of which shone directly into and out of me.
what i want more than anything is to be (keep being) with my children. to Be With My Children.
To Be With My Children.
and suddenly i am tethered. something has grabbed a hold of me. and i grow in the awareness that not only am i seeing a star, but i am seeing stars. i am seeing and being seen by the whole universe. a universe that is within me, through me. is me.
this desire is mine. but Mine with a capital M because it is the oldest deepest desire of my heart.
i smile because this is true. and real. and tangible and knowable. i am tethered to none other than the north star and i can point my way home.
i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can!!!!!!!
/p.s. - i need to note that this is about what i want to do with my life. and my life begins with me + nathan, who has always been and continues to be the place in the ground of all being to which i am always anchored. it is from our place together as One that any movement in my journey begins.