Phew. That feels better...
For a while... then the reality of my decision begins to take shape, moving from abstraction to tangibility, and I find myself curling my lips and recoiling from what it is becoming. What have I done? What, I ask myself, am I doing?
I reach for my crown and scepter and I sit gracelessly on the Throne of Ambivalence - the newly (re-) crowned Queen of Conflictedness. I reign supreme, knowing that I am never sure or confident about the decision which is now made half-heartedly.
That is how it goes for me. And now I give you the Case In Point.
I recently wrote a blog post about deciding to go back to my roots and homeschool my daughter, Lauryn. Not too long after, comes this post. This post about
How could this happen? What am I doing? I know I'm a home-schooler at heart. Rather, I have just realized that - having finally identified what those pangs and aches I've been getting when I read homeschoolers' blogs are.
No matter how many times I explain it to myself that it's not forever, it's not going to hurt my children, we desperately need the money, think of all the bills you can pay, the kids will be fine, you're really lucky to get them into that school, you needed to change things, you need the money... No matter how many ways or how often I tell these things to myself, it can't make this feel right. (Okay folks, you might wanna step back a bit, The Idealist is coming...)
I swear on everything that is valuable to me, if there were any other way for me to make the income I'll be making at this job, and still homeschool my children I'd do it without a nano-second thought. Our lives are so simple and happy that way. Learning is so rich and real-lifey when we homeschool. There is such a strong sense of togetherness and joy in homeschooling. They are safer when we homeschool. Everything is easier, more fun, better for all of us. Life is soft focus frolicking in meadows when we homeschool.
But a woman's gotta do what a mamma's gotta do. I know and continue to remind myself that I'm doing this for my children now, so I can do so much more for my children now and later. This way they get to finally do some of the things we couldn't afford before, like martial arts for Ry and art mentorship for Lauryn. And - just, so much more!
I can (and will) weigh the pros and cons unstoppably until I am too weary to keep them moving in my brain. There is no chance that I won't. Hopefully though, I can eventually find peace and acceptance about having to put my ideals into Self Storage until I can take them out and put them back on again. I have to.