Friday, August 19, 2011

The Queen of Conflictedness

This is how it goes for me:  a thought, an idea catches in my brain - the way some loose fabric does and ends up with a hole in it as one unwittingly carries on walking away - only I can't get loose.  I fiddle and fiddle with it.  Pull it this way and that.  Lose sleep over it, miss conversations and the taste of my meals because of it.  Live in a trance-like state of ponderance because if it.   This single thought gets bumped and tossed and pulled and finagled without ceasing on the crisscross lines of my thought tracks.  Until finally, I see my way around it and I make a decision.

Phew.  That feels better...

For a while... then the reality of my decision begins to take shape, moving from abstraction to tangibility, and I find myself curling my lips and recoiling from what it is becoming.  What have I done?  What, I ask myself, am I doing?

I reach for my crown and scepter and I sit gracelessly on the Throne of Ambivalence - the newly (re-) crowned Queen of Conflictedness.  I reign supreme, knowing that I am never sure or confident about the decision which is now made half-heartedly.

That is how it goes for me.  And now I give you the Case In Point.

I recently wrote a blog post about deciding to go back to my roots and homeschool my daughter, Lauryn.  Not too long after, comes this post.  This post about how I have since accepted a job as a facilitator for a nursery group at a school where my children will both be attending me feeling sad about no longer homeschooling (any of) my children.  So.  Very.  Sad.

How could this happen?  What am I doing?  I know I'm a home-schooler at heart.  Rather, I have just realized that - having finally identified what those pangs and aches I've been getting when I read homeschoolers' blogs are.

No matter how many times I explain it to myself that it's not forever, it's not going to hurt my children, we desperately need the money, think of all the bills you can pay, the kids will be fine, you're really lucky to get them into that school, you needed to change things, you need the money...  No matter how many ways or how often I tell these things to myself, it can't make this feel right.  (Okay folks, you might wanna step back a bit, The Idealist is coming...)

I swear on everything that is valuable to me, if there were any other way for me to make the income I'll be making at this job, and still homeschool my children I'd do it without a nano-second thought.  Our lives are so simple and happy that way.  Learning is so rich and real-lifey when we homeschool.  There is such a strong sense of togetherness and joy in homeschooling.  They are safer when we homeschool.  Everything is easier, more fun, better for all of us.  Life is soft focus frolicking in meadows when we homeschool.

But a woman's gotta do what a mamma's gotta do.  I know and continue to remind myself that I'm doing this for my children now, so I can do so much more for my children now and later.   This way they get to finally do some of the things we couldn't afford before, like martial arts for Ry and art mentorship for Lauryn.  And - just, so much more!

I can (and will) weigh the pros and cons unstoppably until I am too weary to keep them moving in my brain.  There is no chance that I won't.  Hopefully though, I can eventually find peace and acceptance about having to put my ideals into Self Storage until I can take them out and put them back on again.  I have to.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Cian, I wish I could come and hold your hand and tell you it will be alright! You do what you have to do, like you said. You're still learning all of the time as are your kids; with you by their side, a little schooling isn't going to hurt. ~Big hugs~

I am lucky to be able to work from home, but my husband has been laid off since March and I've had pay cuts, so it's been a struggle this year. When you get strapped in that way, it's a difficult decision to make! We often have to make payment arrangements (such as half-payments for Sage's taekwondo) but somehow we manage. His unemployment runs out in two weeks and then we'll just be relying on my work; I'm already tired now, so ask how I'm doing in a few weeks! ;)

Whatever you do, as long as it's from your heart, is going to be fine. All is well!

Claudia said...

I love you, sweet friend. I hear your conflictedness... This is a choice you are making, with your whole soul considering your family and all its needs, all the needs of the individuals in your family, as well as your family as a whole, and all you need to do is choose it again in each moment, each hour, each day. Your unschooling/homeschooling attitude can influence and enhance their (and your!) experience, because you are willing to ask the questions and answer them in the meaningful ways. You don't stop being an unschooler just because you go to school or send your kids to school. So... many, many hugs to you, along with some peace and contentedness...