un-supernanny

i hardly EVER watch this show. but since heros has been on holiday, i caught one episode supernanny the other week. and it was the one episode where she did a crap job. she made this poor woman wean her baby because it was "an unhealthy relationship". boy you know that put a bee in my bonnet! i wanted to get up and write ABC that very second. but i was too tired. (LOL)

she said the woman was doing wrong because she was still wearing her 14 month old baby and nursing her to boot. now, i will say she was doing pure nonsense with the older kid. letting him back talk like nobody's business at 12 years old. jo did good with that one. but someone (me?) needs to inform miss frost about the fact that human milk is for human babies. we are not now and will never be baby cows (which is who cow's milk was intended for.) the WHO, LLL, UNICEF and anybody with sense about human feeding will tell you to nurse up to two years and beyond. hell, even the politically crippled AAP says up to one year and beyond.

come on people.

come on.

[maybe i should still write that letter after all.]

what the hell do i know?

less than six months away from my big 30th birthday, i ask the question: how come life still feels so much like trial and error? will i ever be able to make good, sound decisions? is there ever a time when one has 20/20 foresight?

i am at odds with living in the moment and planning for the future. can one even do that? small, slow sigh

i just told nathan that i can't wait to be forty. translation: i look forward to the day when i'll feel like i actually know something about what i'm doing.

to buy a house or not to buy a house?
where should our kids go to school?
should i start my own school?
when we will ever be in any sort of financial homeostatis?
how can i share in a practical way that doesn't feel like too much for me?

[more sighing]

the list goes on and on. the answer?

be

here

now

that's a tough one.

a cut below

well... this has to be quick. i had semi-emergency sugery on the ninth of march. been on my side and tummy since. not much sitting. even less walking. had a pilonidal cyst that turned into an abcess and it grew to the size of a golf ball. all this happened right by my tailbone (that's the nice way of saying "me arse") and so it had to be surgically removed. hurt more before than after, believe me.

best bit is my insurance had lapsed. and the bill was $4000 +. nice.

anyway, gotta go. gotta get OFF my butt! and on to my side. getting lots of reading done.

be back soon!

what's in a name?

quite a while ago, when lauryn was still a little baby, we had some friends come over for a visit and one these friends called me a housewife.

now for some women, that doesn't make a hill of beans of difference to them. so what if she called me a housewife?

well, it stung. and i said that i prefer the term "stay at home mom". to which she replied (somethign like) "whatever. i really don't care what you call yourself." ouch!

so what is my problem with this antiquated, patriarchal term exactly? why should that bother me? in my opinion, housewives are involuntary. that's just the way life was. you were a wife: you were confined to the house. period. end of story. for me, being a stay at home mom, is kind of declaration that i am choosing to be an intentional parent. it's recongising that i have the choice and though it would not occur to me to do anything else, the decision to stay home from 'gainful employment' and raise our children is, indeed, mine to make.

maybe someday i'll get to the point where that particular comment will amount to nothing more than hot air long gone. and i can say "whatever" back to that. (i look forward to that). and right now, i know that this person really hasn't a clue about who i am and dare i say not much interest in anyone other than #1. i mean, she thought i was trying to impress her with my child's cloth diapers. [scoff!]

honestly.

It's a date!

so guess what? my hubby and i are going on a date tonight!! we did go to a wedding last week, which was lovely but it wasn't really a date. if church is in the mix (baptist church at that), you know that can't be qualified as a date!

kids are getting dropped at deborah's to be looked after by blessed Janet. (she really is blessed. by the way that's bless-ed, not blest) and we going to Indigo's to watch Mizpah and her band perform. Mizpah is a wicked good singer and i've seen her sing at NPCC but never seen her doing a proper 'gig' as it were. i'm really looking forward to it.

in other news, ryan's language skills are starting to bud. he absolutely adores Polar Bear, Polar Bear by Bill Martin Jr. and Eric Carle. He brings it to me and opens the book and points at all the animals. AHHNI! AHNI! AHNI! (as in annie) he says when he points to the elephant (every single time!), the snake is NAA(K: barely audible K at the end), the bear is BEH. But his favorite is the elephant. Oh, and the Lion : RAAA!! LOL!

I have to say I'm surprised he loves books as much as lauryn did considering how different they are from each other personality wise.

Last thing Houston, we finally have TOOTH!!. His bottom left (his left) canine has erupted! only seven more to go!!!

I'm off.

Lactivist Alert

right. i guess i'm on a roll tonight.

still, i really HAD to share this with you. as you can imagine i am an advocate and supporter of human milk for human babies and the way to get this milk is the place where is made, stored, kept at optimum temperature, sanitary, and always ready to serve - from a mother's breasts (aka breastfeeding). (oh no! she said the "B" word!! shock!!! dismay!! ... whatever.)

so you can imagine my blood boiling confusion when i read this story about a mom - Leigh Bellini - who was being asked, no threatened, to leave the mall for nursing her baby or else. can you freaking believe this? (yes, i'm passionate and pissed. it's my blog and i'll cuss if i want to, cuss if i want to. you would cuss too if it happened to you!)

so keep abreast of the goings ons. this shit cannot go on.

Please take action

i am not going to go off on my soapbox tirade about the FDA (the EPA, the CDC etc.) and how they are simply puppets for american corporate giants.

i am going to ask you to please take action against the latest in a long line of questionable decisions taken by the FDA. this is the one where they are going to OK the selling of meat and other products from cloned animals, and not require any labelling to that effect. ri-goddamn-diculous. honestly.

please, you don't have to have a US address, just click here to send a letter to the right people.

signing off,
a very pissed of me

in sickness and in health

Lauryn is sick again. this morning at school, when we were on our way in from the playground, i noticed some grayish snot coming out of her nose (well, in all honesty it was actually already out and making a break for her top lip (EWWWW!!!)) and i thought "oh no. not again." and then not long after snack she had a mini pee accident (leakage, really) and i was changing her and she felt a bit warm to the touch and though i had tried to imagine every other reason why she would have watery eyes during snack time, i still didn't admit to myself that my little lauryn could be getting sick.

it wasn't until around 11:45 when she got up from 2nd snack and went to curl up in the kid sized couch that i finally took my one way trip back from de nile and said that she must be getting sick. :( poor dear. so she's been running the fever all day but thank god her spirit isn't suffering. she was outside blowing bubbles and everything.

funny story: yesterday we were at a birthday party for her two cousins (siblings) and she was in the bouncy castle having a grand time. so ryan went in to join the fun and to try and encourage him to jump, i started bouncing up and down on the outside to show him what to do. Lauryn then asked why i was jumping. i told her and she advised me that "you shouldn't jump mommy, b'cause you'll break your nummies." now, i had the sense to know that something interesting was coming and i did imagine that it might have to do with my 'nummies' - but the warning that i might break them had not at all occured to me.

[shaking my head]

this girl is too much. she really is my favorite girl ever!

new blog

i've decided it's time for the god talk to have it's own forum. this is, after all - MilkShaken: ode to the joys and trials of being (a lactating goddess of) a mom to two young'uns. so you can find my spiritual, philosophical and theological ramblings at The Big Questions.

just thought you'd like to know.

imagine that

my little lauryn has the biggest imagination of any three year old i know. (and believe me, i know a lot!) she is always pretending something. she really likes it when we pretend that she's the mommy and i'm her doughta (that's how she prounces daughter). tonight she said i would be the 'lil girl'. and nathan was my brother. and ryan was my daddy. and she even makes sure i renounce my lactating facilities and abilities. a la: you have small nummies. and i have big nummies to nurse my babies. and you aren't nursing baby ryan (mean time whenever i AM nursing baby ryan i have to say that i'm not.) and god forbid i slip up and refer to myself as mommy. she has an outright panic attack and can't get the words out fast enough "no. i'm the.. the.. the.. i'm the.. the... mommy!! your the baby! and i have to apologise profusely and return to character as the baby.

she is also CONSTANTLY (i mean without ceasing in a biblical kind of way here folks) pretending that her stuffed animals are puppies or kittens. or, the latest, miracats (that's laurynese for meerkats, of course.) and i am always needed to hold or being given a nicely wrapped gift of a puppy or baby miracat to hold. "you can hold the baby, mommy. it's alright" she says like she's trying to reassure a scared child. that lauryn. she's something else.

she's really starting to take on a 'big sisterly' attitude about ryan. key word: starting. they are playing together a little more each day (well maybe each week is more like it.) so that's nice to see. it's a faint glimmer of a sparkle of what may yet be on the horizon for these two. solidly encased, of course, in the requisite sibling rivalry. just want to make sure you don't have pretty, fairy land like pictures with clouds around the edges; pictures of the kids laughing and running through a meadow, holding hands in the sunshine. it ain't like that. but the possibility of friendship and fun together is what i see and what i look forward to seeing more of. that she's calling him "ry-ry" is too cute to me. and sometimes if he's fussy she says to me "i think ryan wants to nurse mommy. you need to nurse him." i smile and shake my head to myself a little as i say:

thanks lauryn. thanks very much. :)

p.s. i just have to mention that she 'got married' the other night. to will (shock!!! they are like cats and dogs these two) and she even wore my 'klop-klop' shoes. (awwwwww).

un-mom friends

weather consciously or unconsiously, i have managed to end up with all mother friends. what i mean is that my social circle is made up almost entirely of women who are mothers. i have a few non-mom friends and i am now understanding why that happened/happens.

i just don't think that people without kids have even the faintest inkling of what it's like to have kids. just the way that men have no idea what it means to be a woman. or a black person doesn't know what it's like to be asian, for instance. the only difference between the mom and non-mom women is that this line is crossable. everyone who has children can remember the time when they would very confidently say to their other non-mom friends "when i have kids, i'll never let that happen" or "this is how my kid will behave". you know all that jazz. and now that we're on this side of the fence? phhh! right. we're all the perfect moms! aren't we dears? [capital N capital O capital T!!!]

sigh. it's just that i am not and have never been a very organised individual. call at a character flaw, bad personality trait, weak spot, achilles tendon - whatever. call it what you will - but that's me. of course i've tried all kinds of remedies but it seems to be in my very DNA coding. can you imagine an otherwise disorganised woman with two young children to raise and a part time job to boot? recipe for utter chaos! shaking my head honestly, all i can promise anyone is that i'll show up for my family always and for my friends whenever humanly possible and then the rest is a great big 'maybe'. let me bullet point it for you. my priorities are:

numero uno
. loving and caring for my family (blood and otherwise) and
. spiritual pursuits of love and wisdom (that's cianese for seeking God)

b
. friendship and community

III
. gainful employment

four
. serving in my church community

it used to just be god, family, ministry, work - but that was too cut and dried. plus if i was to be honest - and that's critical here - i had to switch 'ministry' and work because right now i really need the $$$.

anyway, all that to say: i love all my friends and i am grateful for the ones who know that i can't guarantee that i'll be anywhere but where i'm needed. and for the most part, that is with my two little babies who need me more than a non-mom (or even some other mothers) can understand.

this frustration that i feel at the lack of understanding on the non-mothers' part sometimes makes me feel like it's just not going to work (the friendship) but maybe i just need to help them realize that they really just don't have the faintest idea of the foggiest clue and they, therefore, have no right to judge me. can't handle the heat? eat fruit.

God Lite

have you seen these Google ads at the top???

i have GOT to quit with all the jesus and god talk! i mean, not that there's anything wrong with it but who knows what these links are at the top. Our Jesus Lord, Jesus Love???? seriously?

more on being a mom. i promise.

sick and tired

first it was dear lauryn - whom i've affectionately taken to calling Lallie - with a fever for three days straight then the cold-like stuff ensued. after she recovered it was me, no fever but i felt like crap for two and half days and then it was pretty much over. then poor little Ry-ry (as his sister calls him (awwwww)) got a fever on friday night and it didn't let up all weekend except for with drugs - which we kept adminstering faithfully because it was up to 104 at one point. ah-ah, mommy don't play dat. so against my usual disdain for drugs, legal and otherwise, we motrined and calpoled to keep him feeling 'comfy'.

so of course i went to the doc this am (missed yet another day of school) to find out that we only know what he doesn't have: a bacterial infection of any kind. could be the teeth. which is what my gut was very quietly and sheepishly saying in the corner all weekend. but teeth causing a 104 fever??? no way said my ridiculous 'common sense' side. i didn't mention that he also had diarrhea from tuesday to friday. that went for the sat and sun and came back today (mon). shit. no pun originally intended.

anyway, the canines on the top and bottom are coming and and it looks like the pre-molars could be busting through too. (shit! again). poor thing can't keep his fists out of his mouth. and he's drooling like rex in the noonday heat. no kidding. i feel so sorry for the poor thing. and for me too. no sleep!!! but what else is new?

so on that note, cian dahlin, it's 10:42 PEE EM. don't you think you should get your BUTT in BED ASAP??? duh. of course i do. but one more post first.

so it seems god is a colts fan, a christian (and possibly black?)

hurrah for the colts. hurrah for toni dungee (sp? too lazy to look right now). hurrah for black people. and for christian coaches too!! and thank god ?????

this is my problem with my intact but nevertheless fading theology: if tony dungi can thank god for bringing his team to victory - what does that mean about the other guy? whom toni himself claimed to be a christian too. i guess this means lovie smith is not one of god's favorite black coaches but tony is (??) why would god bring tony and not lovie? if the other guy was muslim and his team had won, would that them mean that god wasn't with tony and the colts? or worse, if the guy was a white guy who didn't even believe in god and he won - what then?

i don't think i'm saying what i mean here. it's just that whenever someone says ˆthank god for saving themˆ from or bringing them through and their neighbour is perishing or has perished or lost - is that in god's name too? stories of soldiers who wouldn't be here but for the love of god seem to imply that somehow that means that god didn't really love the other soldiers who died in the battlefield.

i don't know what all that means. i don't fault tony for thanking god. how could i? who else could he thank? (i mean besides the team, of course). the two best prayers i know (as i learned from Anne Lamott) are "thank you thank you thank you!" and "please help please help please help!" it's just that i don't understand. i mean obviously toni and lovie were both PRAYING for victory. why would god 'help' the colts and not the bears? or 'bless' (i use that term very vehhhhry loosely) toni and not lovie?

the implication in "thank God the colts won the superbowl spearheaded by a black, christian coach" is that these are the qualities that god is seeking in the people he helps. would one thank "love" for that stuff? don't think so. hmm... now the wheelse are starting off to a slow chug on my train of thought. i'll have to chew on that one.

please help please help please help!

universalist, agnostic (ish), christ-follower

this sums up my position on spirituality at the moment. i believe in God, Whom I will refer to as Love from now on, cuz that just makes more sense to me. i believe Grace is available to every single human being so lovingly created by ths Love and as Spencer Burke put it (sort of) in A HERETIC'S GUIDE TO ETERNITY: grace is a miracle because it is not controlled, managed or dispensed by human beings or our religions. the way i see it, if you are seeking Love, you will encounter Love and Love will encounter you. for me Jesus' life was all about this love. for me, the LIFE of Jesus was critcally important. his way of life and loving was as close to perfect as i've heard or read about. i think his death was significant but i am not sure what it was really about. i think that's about something much bigger than i could think or imagine.

still, i have no certainties. i hold fast to no absolutes. i release religion. and the sense of liberation i feel is incredible! i am still not sure (as i said) about all that i believe. but i know what i don't believe anymore. i DO believe that everyone is in unless they choose to be out. i don't know what that means or how that looks. i DON'T believe that Love would condemn kind, gentle loving people all over the world (even not so kind or gentle but still seeking and sharing Love) because they didn't fit a very narrow set of rules that seem, for the most part, to have been created by us humans.

i mean, when did Jesus ever say that we should judge people and decide whether or not they would be getting to heaven? [scoff] fact is, he railed against religious people and all their ridiculous rules and institutionalization of faith. religious people (and i used to be one so i'm not casting stones so much as making an observation) are unable to see the forest for the trees right under their noses. but maybe they need to be given more grace and love than anyone else so they can recognize it a little more clearly. (someone i love dearly believes wholeheartedly that gay people cannot go to heaven NO MATTER WHAT. what TF is that about???? that's a hot button for me, obviously...) i digress.

i'm not claiming to have all the answers. or any answers for that matter. in fact, i mostly have questions. but the thing for me is that now that i have opened the doors and windows of my soul to let out the old dusty stuff i was holding on to, i have also allowed new fresh sun light and air in. and as long as one holds tightly to ones beliefs and (therefore to self-righteousness) it will be impossible to see or receive new truths. it's like saying - well i know everything i need to know thank you very much. i don't need to learn another new thing ever.

let's face it, reality - the universe, our lives, our ideas, our very bodies - are fluid and always changing. what was true two minutes ago is not true now. and as i evolve as a peson, a woman, a mother, a friend, as my own individual, so too does my concept of God. and for this i am eternally grateful. because i have glanced over my shoulder at the road that led me here and though it's been good, i do not want to go backwards on it.

silence and clarity are yours.

I am finding myself. I am finding that I am comfortable with the way I am right this second. Inside and OUT. This is what I need for myself so that I don't allow any shit to come at myself. God loves me exactly the way I am and if it's good enough for the One who made me - damn - it's good enough for me. This is not to say that I plan to stagnate and never change because this is it. The reality of the world I live in and the reality of who I am is fluid and changes even with each keystroke of a blog. But I MUST accept and love the cian i am today so that i can be a new, possibly improved, cian in ten minutes, ten hours, ten days, months, years etceterahhh etceterahhh eteceterahhhh. Below is an email convo I've just had with a loved one. It is one of my early attempts at putting up my hand palm facing outward and saying - no, you may not cross this boundary please. I am still learning how to do this as I have always felt unable to refuse shit from older adults. I felt (was taught) that it was disrespectful. Well, I think it's disrespectful to make offhanded comments about someone's weight. Sorry, you'll have to scroll to the bottom of this post and read backwards. I haven't the energy to rearrange it.

Comments are welcome and invited. Even the rude ones. It will give me a chance to practice telling people to talk to the hand.


On January 23rd, 10: 20 PM cian sawyer wrote:

Dear Someone,

regarding the "weight issue" I do appreciate your concern. As I said, I am sure you intended to look out for me. But yes, it came across badly. I have been this weight since I can remember (I want to say about seven years). I guess i'm at a sort of homeostasis. (even after two pregnancies i came right back to this spot on the scale.) I had lost 20+ lbs before (pre-lauryn) and found them back in no time.

In our home we eat whole grains (for the most part), have something green most nights with dinner, and have few sweet treats lying around. I play tennis once (sometimes twice) a week and I am very busy at school with my 10+ students. I am not a perfect eater. but my cholesterol, both good and bad are at healthy levels, all my organs are in good health and overall, everything checks out well.

maybe i went a little too far with the cake comment because i was upset about your comment. i really am sorry i didn't get it. i love christmas cake and will not refuse it if it is offered to me again. ;) hint hint. life is short. one must not miss out on the simple pleasures - especially those that only come around once a year.

the point of my tirade is that i am unwilling to accept criticism about my weight or my appearance from anyone anymore. even if they are well meaning. there is no one i know to whom i would ever say that kind of thing, unless they were morbidly obese and they asked for my advice. i know you love me and thanks for your concern, but no more please.

lots of love and big booby hugs to you,
me too

On Jan 19, 2007, at 1:21 PM, Someone wrote:

Cian,

Glad for the catch up. Got the sense that the weight issue came across badly. At the risk of pushing it. I am concerned for your health and the long tern effect that being over weight will and can cause. If you are healthy and comfortable with your weight then so am I. As we get older (the big "O") it gets increasingly important to stay healthy so just be aware of this. Will remember that maybe cake is not a good give for you, only if you promise not to over indulge, will send something else in future. Big hug up for the family take care of those colds like I know you can.

Love & Blessings

Me


On Jan 18, 2007, at 6:01 PM, cian sawyer wrote:

Dear Someone,

Sorry about the cake. I really thought that i would have been able to get it but things didn't work out the way i had hoped. You know how you always think that you have more time than you actually have? So, I waited too late. Thanks for sending it though.

......

About my weight. I am wondering what you are concerned about. If it is my health, there is no need to worry. I've just had a complete physical and everything is great. If it is about my physical appearance, then there is no need to worry either. I am choosing to stop believing the lie that skinny=attractive. I may be a little above average (not media average, real life average), but there is nothing wrong with they way I look. So, while i appreciate your concern for me and i am sure it is coming from a place of love, you don't need to worry or speak to me about my weight anymore. Either way, I guess it's a good thing I didn't get that cake then, eh?

love is blessing. and so, i am thankful to have plenty of that!

love,
cian
_________________________________________________________

On Jan 18, 2007, at 5:24 PM, Someone wrote:

Cian,

How goes it with you, I understand that you never collected the cake. I am most "disapoint" not to worry life goes on. ...... Take good care of yourself and family. Hope this year you will get busy with your weight loss program, I have started mine.


Love & Blessings Adundantley

Someone

it's been year...

i cannot believe that i haven't posted since 2006. and i cannot believe that we are three weeks into january 2007 ALREADY! i hate to go into the regular old 'time is really flying' bit, but man, time is really flying! ...aaand cut.

everyone is sick. ryan has the snots and lauryn has a cough and i'm really fighting like hell to stave off this sore throat that's mounting it's best attack on me even as i type. *sigh* i let them both stay home today and knocked off work early to come relieve nathan of the childcare duties because his boss is real whip cracker! (on the off chance that your brain, like mine, is easily distracted by shiny or interesting things that lure you off the tracks of your train of thought - no, there was no pun intended with the whole 'cracker' thing. i simply meant a person who cracks the whip; therefore a whipcracker. okay back to the tracks) so he couldn't watch them for long and i had to hurry home. i couldn't take them to janet @ deborah's because will is sick and three sick kids is enough to drive anyone to drink. and we couldn't have that.

looking at buying a condo. although it looks doubtful (i wanted to say dubious but i think that would imply dodginess and that's not what i mean so i went with doubtful) because the guy says he think there are only one or two units left to reserve. shit. it's a good deal. for here, anyway. pre-con starts at 249 (K) for 2/2 with laminate wood floors (although i thought it was either/or but the email said laminate wood floors), granite countertops in kitchen and bath, walk-in closet in master, brushed nickel fixtures, what else? oh, oversized tub in master suite (hmmm? nice, right?) 9' ceilings - which are not super great, i guess average - okay i just read the advert: recessed lighting, solid wood cabinet doors in kitchen and bath... you get the picture. and only $5K down. crap. well, what is to be... i'll keep you posted on that. and also talk more about the whole decision making process later.

been thinking about my 30th and i don't know if we'll be able to pull of the jamaica party. but i'm thinking of doing an exuma trip as an alternative. the exuma cays are my second favorite place next to JA. the water down there is stunning at it's worst. breath-taking is a huge understatement. i honestly cannot describe it to you. so, we'll see how that unfolds too.

okay, i have to shower. last piece of news, i got my fourth period since december 2002 on saturday. yes, i said fourth (4th). ain't life pretty when you're knocked up and/or breastfeeding. the second was december 2004 then i got preggers with you know who and the third was october 2006 and now the fourth january 2007. i've made an appointment with the ever wonderful dr. lyons to put in a mirena (IUD) because i have basically surrendered and thrown in the white towel on the birth control drama. honestly. i really can't stand the idea of artificial hormones being pumped into my body by some foreign object living in my womb, but it's still much more pleasant than bloody condoms (blech!!! i HATE those things) and easier than remember to swallow a pill every single day for the rest of my life. (well, till the pause anyway). well that's a whole other blog entry too. could probably be a blog unto itself...

sniff sniff. is it possible to OD on vitamin C?

and i want to pass it on (pass it on...)

besides the fact that i am having a mini faith crisis (again!) - well, maybe not so mini because i am actually wondering if i believe the bible anymore and also questioning why The Deity doesn't show up for every child (in a hurtful/abusive situation) who prays for help. so, as i was saying besides that crisis of faith, i think i'm doing okay.

i am posting this short message to try and spread the word about this site i go to every so often. more likely than not, you've recieved the email pleading with you to go to The Breast Cancer Site and click to provide free mammograms. if you have then you may already have seen the other sites to which it is attached such as the clicks for child hunger, animal rescue, literacy and rainforest preservation. well, they also have stores that sell fairly traded goods as well as food provision 'kits' or even 'send two girls to school in afghanistan' gifts. it seems to be on the up and up and i thought it would be a good place to shop online so i'm providing them with an albeit miniscule but gratis advertisement. So go to the Child Hunger Site Shop and look around. you may find something unique and interesting.

i need to talk more about my 'where is god' stuff, but not now. it's 11:37 (PM) and i need to get to sleep. so go already!

consumerus christmas

well, it's over. 20 some days of shopping and madness for 20 minutes (at the most) of paper ripping fun. and i am feeling kind of happy about how we 'did christmas' this year. well, to be really honest i think i would like a bit more balance. maybe we went a bit far on the scale when we went with no gifts for anyone at all except lauryn. that's right, we bought and wrapped ONE SINGLE gift this year and it was for little lauryn. none for ryan because there are things he needs and he doesn't know the difference yet. there is a part of me inside that holds tightly to 'what i know' and feels awkward about that.

i think it could also be the same part of me that wishes that we had bought gifts for our immediate family. i missed that feeling of seeing joy on someone's face when they open something that you gave them (that they are happy to receieve, anyway). don't get me wrong, i am still very happy to know that we gave toward the wells for people without drinking water as well as the aids support group in the bahamas and i KNOW this kind of giving will be a part of our tradition. but, perhaps in an effort to remove ourselves from the vortex of consumerism (by remove ourselves i mean trying to climb OUT of the hole into which we have already fallen)... as i was saying we may have taken it a bit too far and missed out on the genuine sharing and caring that (can) happen/s. now that it's all said and done, i really wish we'd gotten gifts for my mom and sisters. and for my friends' kids (and my two wives too). i would like to have gotten something for nathan too. and yes, i would be remiss if i didnt' say that i would like to have gotten something from him. this is, after all, the 'reminder' time of year where it's designated 'show appreciation for everyone you love' time. and humans kind of need that. a reminder to do something to show friends you really appreciate them. (which is a good policy to ensure that no obligatory or duress gifts are purchased too. as in: i have to buy a gift for suzie because she's gonna buy one for me. or i don't even really like so-and-so but i have to buy a gift for him..

:/ but we are going to get a few pieces of clothes (to replace my washed- and stretched-out, and very stained tee shirts and replace some of nathan's wicked old shirts too. again, my thoughts lead me to the path of balance. always the thing i am hoping to achieve in pretty much everything i do.

can you believe i thought i could limit how many presents lauryn was allowed to open to three???? haha! what a laugh! she only had like 5 or 6 under the tree, so it wasn't that bad (like 12 or 13, in which case i think would really have tried to make some kind of cut off till later) and she did show genuine appreciation for the gifts so that was okay. but then, i guess i robbed her of the feeling of giving too. let's face it, she has no concept of giving money to charitable organisations. and there is so much fun in picking out things for someone you love. so next year, we will move further in, toward the cente of the scale and try not to tip it too much in one direction or another.

still, the idea of sharing with those who need more than we do and being in community with the children at the orphanage is something i plan to incorporate into our regular lives next year. (i.e. not just waiting till christmas to 'give' of ourselves and our pockets).

okay, ryan is getting mommy restless. nathan can only hold him for so long with the ball. i gotta run.

open season on nursing

do i go into peoples homes and say to them "why are you having soda? you should drink water instead." or "why on earth are you going to bed at 9? that's ridiculous! stay up till 11, if not 12!" or "you should get rid of this dog. it's irritating me."

are you catching my drift yet? how come people feel like it is perfectly fine to tell me how my nursing relationships with my children should look? why are people SO concerned about how many times a night my son is waking up? you mean he is STILL waking up??? why, my children all slept through the night by the time they were 8 weeks old. really? i guess it was super convenient to wean them, toss them into a crib and leave them to cry alone in the dark - or maybe toss them a bottle of artificial milk and comfort to cry with while you slept peacefully in a seperate room in your own damned bed?

i cannot think of a single thing we "teach" children by leaving them to cry alone in a room except to "fall asleep on their own". when, in actual fact, what these babies are really learning is that they are worthless and the people and the world around them are not to be trusted. ("now see here, timmy - you sit in this room until you can figure out how to dress yourself and tie your own shoes! you're two years old, dammit, it's about time you learned! and stop you blubberin'!") sure they seem fine enough as they go through the early years, but the disconnect will evidence itself when these children/adults try to form meaningful relationships. hello? look at our western society chockoblock full of people who don't touch or even get too close to each other... yet we know full well that humans need touch, look at all the people paying masseuses (sp?) for touch.

we're all about the personal space. which i respect, but it's really a NO TOUCH society! thank heavens for the loving latin culture where everyone kisses and hugs everyone else. let's hope they can influence americans and not vice versa.

the high touch, intimate relationship that is breastfeeding (we say breast feeding because we must differentiate from bottle feeding, which is ridiculous. it should just be feeding and the breast part be understood!) anyway, the bodily contact in breastfeeding is such a perfect way to foster a nurturing individual (in both the baby and the mom). unless bottle feeding mothers are prepared to remove a portion of their clothes for each feeding, this part of the bonding is missed. what's my point here? i kinda lost some steam cuz i am doing this over a two day period. but i think whay i'm getting at, bottom line is that it pisses me off royally that people (in my familial circles) feel like i need advice on how to handle feeding and nurturing my son. "give him a bottle of water when he wakes up. that'll stop him!" i try to be kind and make jokes about how my cut off is when he's ready for college or how it's much easier for me to just stick the boob in and go back to sleep (which, duh! of course it is - that's whole damned evolutionary point!) but next time i think i'll nicely but bluntly say that i am happy with it - actually WE are happy with it - and he will wean when he is bloody well good and ready. (or me whichever comes first -but i'm hoping to stick it out for him.)

well, this has taken me long enough to rant. let me get on with life. it's off to FL tomorrow to visit my mum and sisters for christmas but that's a whole other blog...