Of Carriages and Queens

The Highlight of our adventures last week was our downtown jaunt that began with a wish, was drawn by a horse and finished with a queen!  Deborah and I took Lauryn, Sage, Ryan and Grace to the Surrey Ride stand (after overcoming the parking obstacle) to hire ourselves our very first carriage!  It was an interesting experience just arranging the ride with a great deal of unknowing and vaguery.  Where do we stand?  Who's taking us? How much is it?  Just wait here.  A white horse is coming.  Find out the price from the driver.  15 minutes and a few new interesting-to-me-but-not-the-kids facts later - cha-ching! - 35 bucks!  But with those smiles, it was totally worth it!  They really loved being in a horse drawn carriage.  Even Ryan liked it (which is shocking considering the fact that it didn't involve home, computer use, or playing with his favorite pal, "Little Willy"). Afterwards we dragged them through town (woe is them) for some interesting sights and sounds.  We saw 'baby' lawyers celebrating their new lives as white wig and black robe wearing legal counsel.  We visited the Nassau Public Library (formerly known as the Nassau Gaol some one hundred years ago) and got a wonderful view from the top.  We counted out the eight sides of the octagonal building and, satisfied that they were right, we headed back down to earth from the towering three storey high edifice.  After that we even popped in for a visit with Grandma Sawyer at her place of work where the kids got to be the source of Gramma's Glowing Pride and Joy! After much adieu we made our way back toward our car but not without stopping by for a photo op with Queen Victoria who abolished (what does abolished mean, mom?) slavery in 1891.  (I didn't talk about slavery with her/them as they didn't ask and I wasn't ready to go there with them.)  But the picture with the queen who did away with something bad - that was cool!  (For our friends in foreign lands, the pink building in the background is the house of parliament where our elected officials do whatever it is they do - which doesn't seem to be too much.) All in all, with the visit to the Humane Society, Pool days, fun at Mr. Pretzel's, the Downtown Day Out and Halloween Pumpkin Carving and candy fun, it was a great week!  What'd we learn?  A thousand and one nameless things and much, Much more.

what is real life?

you know what's funny? people talk about how children "need" to go to school to learn how to live in "the real world" but nothing about the way your average school is operated is anything like my real life. (one i am told i am lucky to have and which, indeed, i am Very Thankful for. but this is available to many people with the ability to choose it, but that's another blog post.)

what is this alleged "Real Life"?

real life is fully integrated, rather than divided into subjects (baking cookies is not about math and reading comprehension, it's about making cookies.). real life happens all the time (24hrs a day) and people (whether they know it or not) have a choice about what they do when they do it. in real life everybody doesn't know all the same things just because they are the same age. in real life everybody doesn't need to know everything and be "well rounded". no one thinks accountants should know about biology or french. no one expects nurses to spout off calculus facts, solve quadratic equations or random pieces of information about history at any given time.

in real life people learn the things they need to learn when and HOW they need to learn them. in real life, even though someone may know more about something than me, it doesn't make it okay for them to treat me like with contempt and/or disrespect. in real life, i am responsible for myself. i make decisions and live with the results and learn (and grow!) from my mistakes. in the real world i am not a bad person because i don't know something and people don't test me on what i know to decide what to think of me (and if they do, those aren't the kind of people i would choose to be around!)

whatever this 'real world' is that school is supposed to prepare people for, it's not what i want for my children. i don't want them to learn that one person has all the answers, that they are simpletons incapable of discovering things for themselves, that they are less than people who know more about something than they do, that they have no valid opinion, that when a bell rings it's time to go to work or time to stop. that a person's worth lies entirely in their performance. that people don't get to do the things they are passionate about because other people don't approve.

but let me shift that too the positive point of view:

i want my children to trust themselves. i want my children to understand how they learn best and what works best for *them* and to know how to teach themselves whatever they want to learn. i want them to find their passions and pursue them. for them to connect with living beings as equal citizens of the planet, like them. for them to have a broad worldview. for them to feel free from the confines of harmful social constructs (socio-economic delineations, popularity contests, fitting in because it's easier).

maybe it sounds like i'm saying that all children who go to school will learn all these things. it's not what i am saying. people (children in this case) who feel gotten and supported and encouraged to find their own path at in their home environment can navigate the traditional school system taking what they need and leaving what they don't. lots and lots of wonderful, world changing people have come from school. LOTS!

and lots and lots of wonderful, world-changing people have come from un- or de-schooled backgrounds too.

just think about what percentage of what you "learned" in school you use today; right now. Parallelograms? Literature? Chemistry? of the parts that you do use, what could you have learned without being coerced anyway?

school isn't the be all, end all. school and academics aren't the recipe for success. academics can and do change the world, to be sure. but even Hitler was educated. as were the doctors and nurses that created and maintaned those heinous gas chambers.

everything good happens within the framework of Love. for me, that is the real world. real life. Love is.

Love is. only Love only Love

only Love.

Is.

Rhythm is Gonna Get Ya... um, Me

Looks like we are finding a sort of inhale-exhale rhythm to our life as unschoolers. Of course, now that I've said that everything will change immediately.

Very early on my path toward where I am now, I read a Waldorf Book that talked a lot about life having a natural rhythm. This had a profound impact on me and I fully embraced that concept. Not to get into it but the author spoke about how before technology the rhythms of our lives were more closely aligned with the earth's. Even the way and time we did laundry, prepared meals etc.

Of course, a domestic goddess I Am Not. (I am in the thick of making peace with that.) So though the idea of an ebb and flow of life sat well with me, and the ideology of our lives being more integrated with nature's clock seemed very logical to me, I found that I tried and failed at creating (read: forcing) the kind of rhythms the author talked about in the book in my own day to day experience.

Once I let it go, however, I was able to see that my life did in fact have it's own predictable patterns, routines, ways of being. Maybe I didn't do laundry every Tuesday and bake pies every Thursday, but I did go to mommy group every Monday, hang out with friends every Friday, and we went to supermarket on Saturdays. Things like that. Then I went back to teaching part time when Ryan was one and it wasn't long before I realized that that was just Not going to work for me to leave my babies in other hands when they were still so young. So they soon came with! And for three years, they came with me to play-group thrice a week. And we had yet another - albeit externally driven - rhythm to our lives.

This September, when we jumped back into this way of life - this one in which we were untethered to the calendar or clock (huzzah!!) - I had a feeling we would find ourselves in our own natural in/out, go/stop, high-energy/low-energy ebb and flow in our hours, days, weeks. Even though we weren't actively looking for it, I knew we'd find it. And find it we did! Eureka!!

Over the last month to six weeks, we have expanded into alternating inhale-, exhale- weeks. That is to say a week full - i mean chockoblock - of activity; putting miles and miles on the car going from one adventure to the other, followed by a week of quiet, mostly in or close-to-home activities. I can't tell yet if I'm driving that or the kids or all three of us. But I do find that most Monday mornings after busy week, busy weekend, we are all three moving slowly and feeling low-key. And that soft, quiet atmosphere kind of eases into the days (and nights) that follow; settling over our bodies and even the furniture like a soft blanket and then - poof! - like magic, the next week we all get charged up and ready to go again. Suddenly the air is crackling, lots of things are calling to us, and we trying to find wiggle room to fit more things in.

Saying these things and re-reading them makes me smile. It fills me with gratitude and joy; knowing this is our life.

And yes, it may change. If it does, it doesn't matter... as long as we are happy. Here are some of the pix from our fun and beautiful sights from today.

Shopping as Economics 101

Finally took the people today to spend their birthday loot from their great grandma: $25 a piece. Standard, universal birthday gift from this well loved Granny. :)

We first popped into a small mom-and-pop type store selling "Educational materials and toys". Though I typically resist (subtext : detest) anything labeled as "smart" or "educational", i had gone in earlier this week with Lauryn and we found ourselves exclaiming at many, many cool things and we decided together to go back for the Big Birthday Shop. So we started our morning there, spending much of our time oohing and aahing; Lauryn marketing all the things she might like to have access to but not enough to spend her money to actually buy it, to Ryan. I fended her off on his behalf and he managed to find a super cool dinosaur puzzle book. Each page had a different category and the photo was it's own puzzle. He poured and poured over the book so much so that I encouraged him to spend his money on that. He was keen and we bought it. Lauryn, however, didn't want anything badly enough to part with her cash, so we left for another store.

The second store, fancy and 'rich-up' as it was, was less 'mom-and-pop-y' and more 'wealthy-business-owner-y' but still small and not too overwhelming. She picked up toy after toy after toy and either couldn't afford it or was unwilling to spend her money on it. I could see her weighing the cost/value ratio with the things that fit within her budget. Meanwhile back at the ranch, Ryan was LOUDLY playing with a great many stretchy-dragon, miniature car, molded dinosaur, chinese dragon puppet and anything else that was within reach and could possibly be imagined to shoot lasers and attack other things and people. (chwk! chwk! "I CHOOSE... PURPLE DRAGON! and GREEN DRAGON!!... (loud unspellable grating noises here)" Then the toys he chose would merge (he would actually kinda squeeze them together) and become a single, more powerful unit. We would battle. And I would lose. Every time. And yes, I totally played with their toys with him 'cause I knew that we were not "using up" any of the toys' inherent fun or harming the toys in any way.

And still Lauryn roamed.

She finally came to the conclusion that no, this store wasn't the right place; didn't have the right thing either. I asked if she wanted to go to the other conglomerate Toy Store. She agreed but was quick to point out that they also had "supplies for grown-ups" too.

I won't bore you and tell you how LONG we spent in the stuffed toy aisle and then even 10 million times longer in the Barbie sections. But it was LONG. Verrrrry long. I mean LONG-ONG-ONG-ONG-ONG. A revolving dialogue of Can I afford this? No. This? No. This? No. Aw MANNNN! This? Okay- anything more than twenty five is too much because that's what you have. Okay.

...So, can I afford this?

Not too long there after she kinda figured it the pricing thing out. How much is this? $40. Oh, too much. Is this one 38? Yes. Oh, too much. She was soon reading off all the prices and declaring whether they were too much or if she had enough. And after many long hours I finally heard it: Mom, this (fancy Barbie) is only 10 dollars!!! (me) NO WAY!! Nothing's that cheap in this store!

Off to the scanner we trooped and she was right! Then she soon found a PONY - a DISNEY PRINCESS PONY for TWELVE DOLLARS. I was like No Way that's right. And it was!!! So she got TWO things for UNDER $25 in The Conglomerate!

She was pretty proud of her buy! She loved giving the money to the cashier herself and toting her own big shopping bag (no, sorry not the reusable kind. I forgot it!) to the car. It was just after 2 by then and I asked what else they wanted to do for the day. We just wanna go home and play with our new stuff, they said. And I was happy to comply.

She was ecstatic when we got home. And played all afternoon with them. Of course, the pony was in the tub within an hour of being freed from it's plastic packaging.

As I said: Economics 101.

Inadvertent Community Service

without really planning it, we spent our day serving our community. so great how it worked out, really.

we have two friends who are in the hospital and i suggested we make cards for them today and go for a visit. lauryn jumped on it immediately and we used some of her spin art (seen here) to create them.

we picked up some valuable lessons along the way on wastage (a la "MOMMMMMM! You FINISHED the glue!!" | "Actually, Lauryn, you used most of it in your last project, remember?" | "oh. yah. right.") and conserving for later. and we had fun writing our greetings in each card. i got to do some crafty creating too. after a good brekky of real buttermilk pancakes, we got dressed and headed out for the hospital, Lauryn and i. ryan opted to stay behind.

we visited our friend who had an intestinal 'situation', then our dear sweet little friend living with leukemia. then we came home and had some more fun baking chocolate chocolate chip cookies too deliver to our neighbour who just had a baby on Ryan's birthday, in fact!

up the street we strolled, ryan in his skivvies, lauryn barefooted, hot footed on the asphalt, to deliver our yummy little treats.
unfortunately mommy and baby were away but it was off to the next thing: serving ourselves :) at a playdate with Lisa and Dyllan at KFC's play thing. it's indoors with A/C and they LOVE it! after that, we helped out the family of our hospitalized friend by picking the kids up and taking them for a cool drink then off to their grandmother.

we hung out a soccer with Lisa and Dyllan for another little while, then popped over for a visit at the kids we had taken to their grandparents earlier which included a splash in the pool and playing with 'foreign' toys.

finally we headed home and turned around for a walk up the street to deliver the baked goods where we visited and played (again!); met many new people and even getting to see a cool fish tank!

serving others, serving ourselves.

i want to do this more often. (serving others, i mean.)

you get a line i'll get a pole, baby

for a great many reasons, i will be doing my very best to chronicle our wonderful adventures in our journey of natural learning. i'm a little late to start as i have missed our days at the zoo and at at atlantis. but, today is as good a day as any!

yesterday, having spent a lovely afternoon with our friends at the pool, the kids and i were rollin on home toward daddy and a quiet evening at home. i can't remember what triggered it but they came up with the idea that they wanted to go fishing. can we go fishing tomorrow, mom? i was more than delighted to say "of course!". i mean, how many people get to do that? just say yes to spontaneous adventure?

so after much dilly and dallying on my part and even more 'mom can we go fishing yet?' on their part this morning, we finally got going. it was off to A.I.D. to find a fishing rod (we had to negotiate around people wanting to pick their own rods in their favorite color) but we managed to conclude it was wiser to just get one for now incase we don't LOVE fishing.

after some less than helpful help and no rods at A.I.D. (more like unaid) we went to the kelly's empire and found ourselves a neat little kit complete with rod, lures, hooks and line for under $40. sold! off we went...

to potter's cay dock to locate some discarded conch parts ("slop") and advice about where the best place was to shop. i growled at myself when i realized that i had forgotten my bag with the camera in it (&*%^#!!!) as i watched them oooh and aaaah over the live conch layed out on the tables. both of them touching the little horns that poke out. we got our conch slop, popped by the house for our trusty swim bag and headed out to our chosen destination.

what great fun we had trying to figure it all out! between trying to put the sinker on the line, a malfunctioning reel on the rod and tangled line everywhere - we all learned to exercise patience, endure heat and how not to use a fishing rod. we eventually just used short lines and fed the fish. which was great fun for all three of us to see all the pretty little fish that swim so close to the shore (between 6 to 30 feet out).

then we we'd had enough fun playing with our fishy friends, the kids decided they wanted to play in the sand. lucky for me i have child-related ESP and packed our swim bag so they very merrily changed on the spot and hopped down to the water. we made more friends with many little crabs, some kirbs (sp?), limpets and even a few dragonflies.

Our most interesting find of the day. We still don't know what this is. It's squishy and bouncy and seems to have something moving about (swimming?) inside. It has been placed by Lauryn into home made 'sea' (salty) water.

This little white crab is one of our friends, the biggest by far of the crabs we saw which was still only just about as big as the palm of my (hand at the most). We oooohed and aaahed at it's beauty.

You can see these little explorers searching for new and interesting finds just off the shore. The last photo is of our very happy "classroom" of the day, the best kind which is no 'room' at all.

So all in all, we had ourselves a fish of a time today. We'll definitely go fishing again very soon.

I wonder what we'll be doing together on Wednesday?

BREAKING NEWS!: Mother abuses children in local bank!

This just in: In our culture where we have all accepted that it is absolutely unacceptable to allow children to be childlike one mother dares display blatant disregard for this unspoken foundational law of our society.

This reckless mother was seen with her two very unfortunate children accompanying her to do business in the bank! Not only did she have the audacity to take them with her to this inappropriate venue, she had her children with her at a time when adults have secured relief from their presence by having them temporarily incarcerated in the appropriate buildings.

This story only gets worse. Having displayed an exceptional inability to control every single action and word by her children like all good parents do, this mother sunk to an all time low when she allowed her children to play with her and each other while she stood in line. (The horror.) Her son showed a predisposition for violent tendencies as he pretended his flip-flops were laser shooters and pantomimed destroying things and persons in his immediate vicinity. Before long the real abuse became evident when this barbaric "play" became downright indecent.

Reports are that the boy was witnessed to have yelled very loudly that he had shot his mother "in the p*nis"! It gets even worse. The mother and daughter reportedly told the boy that the mother did not have a "p*nis"; to which the boy responded (the squeamish may want to loook away) - "then I got you in your 'gina!!" Again, very loudly so that everyone was forced to be exposed to these dirty words being spoken by a child in public!

Why this mother chooses to allow her young children to call their reproductive body parts by their "correct" names instead of completely irrelevant, made-up names that simplify the process of causing children to be ashamed of their bodies and s*xuality at as early an age as possible remains a complete mystery to this journalist.

The signs of our society's decay are clearly evidenced in incidents like these. We cannot begin to imagine what kind of horrors we are headed for if parents begin to allow their children to think for themselves and to be fully engaged in their decidedly foolish 'childlike wonder'.

Dark days lay ahead when children are raised in the kinds of environments that permit them to believe that they are loved no matter what or when adults are give up their god-given right to hurt them to get them to do what they want. If children are allowed to choose their own paths or to freely reject mandatory incarceration in which they are forced to learn what we deem fit, for hours, days, weeks, months, years in favor of "thinking for themselves" - well, we cannot begin to imagine the ramifications of such careless, reckless endangerment of our youth.

We must fight this growing trend and tighten our grip of control right now.

As always, let your fear be your guide.

in decision ten oh nine

i vacillate therefore i am... not sure.

you know how your shadow is your light? no? me either. okay, you know how your strength is your weakness and vice versa? yes, of course you do. every body knows that. right?

so first i have to tell you what my strength is and then you can guess the weakness. (first one to guess wins a prize!) in no particular order here are the things that bring joy to my life (and possibly the lives of others):

spontaneity, playfulness, living through my heart (not my mind), always able to make a joke.

and the weaknesses in these characteristics:

piss poor planning, difficulty being serious, significant delay in intellectual processing time, difficulty being serious.

hmm.. it didn't work. i was supposed to come to a formulaic conclusion about how disorganized i am and how incapable i am of making ANY decisions. crap. now what? how am i supposed to prove that i have these flaws if i don't show my work? sigh well you just have to take my word for it. OR if you know me, you already know this to be true.

so anyway. the point of this ramble is that i seem to vacillate for a living. (note to self: do google search for jobs that require poor decision making skills.) (need to point out that this is in no way shape or form self deprecation; just an unattached observation of myself.)

this is what my life looks like: should i do this?... or THAT?.. or both??? i'll do this. no. that. no. both. wait no. umm... errrrr... okay i'll just try this oh wait no THAT. crap i don't like THAT. so now what? okay i'll quit THAT and try this again (again? i don't think i actually tried in the first place). but what if i do both??? that might work. then THAT won't seem so bad and i'll get to do this and it'll all work out great. ... oh now wait a minute doing this and THAT is proving to be too much for me. NOW what????

i shit you not people. i have that exact conversation with myself every three to five minutes. okay maybe i'm exaggerating. 10 to 15.

this is such an enormous burden! i wish i could decide not to carry it anymore! for god's sakes. so now i find myself in two places of making decisions that affect other humans lives. wow, God: classic. my life at home - which i am rockin' and lovin' btw - *and* my life as a Coordinator. you saw correctly. i said co-ordinator. as in one who coordinates things. (again, God: classic.)

i am definitely NOT feeling the rockin' bits there. could that have anything to do with a profound, earth shattering insecurity? naaaaaaaaaah!

the fact that whenever i see Responsibility moving in any general direction toward the vicinity i am occupying at the moment causes me to put on my pay-less sneakers and RUN like the gingerbread man in the opposite direction could have a little something to do with it. what? terrified of responsibility? me? absolutely! (apparently God is also very good at making jokes all the time).

what to do what to do? i just can't decide.

a summary of what i believe ...by someone else.

saw this in a children's art museum i took the kids to last month and loved it.

We are all One

We don't all have to be the same.
We don't all have to think the same.
We don't all have to act the same.
We don't all have to talk the same.
We don't all have to dress the same.
We don't all have to believe the same things.
We have the right to be ourselves.

We like it that people are different.
We know that our differences make us interesting
and unique.
We honor different ways of being, acting and believing even when we don't agree with them.
We do our best to solve problems peacefully.
We speak up if we see others being treated unfairly.
We treat each other the way we'd like to be treated.
We treat each other with respect.


Don't you wish we could all agree to disagree?

where the worldviews are

certainty that one's worldview is the only and or right way is to invalidate the human experience. or humanity itself.

Red. The new Blue.

i finally admitted to myself yesterday that blue is no longer my favorite color. (egad!) what was even harder was allowing myself to realize that i have a thing for the color Red. RED. red? red!

red.

the insanity of this may not be apparent to you and i understand why this seems like trivial pursuit but you don't understand. you don't understand. all my life i have wanted absolutely nothing to do with the color red. nothing. i didn't own red things. wear red things. sit beside red things. red was always obnoxious and overbearing. it wants everyone to notice it and it doesn't care whether you like it or not, just Notice it.

blue was such a good color to like. so calm and nature-ish. understated elegance; it comes in many many many shades and plays well with others. from sophisticated navy to all encompassing sky blue, it is a color that cannot be unloved: blue.

and quite literally the opposite is garish Red. big and bold Red. red that calls so many unpleasant things to mind like blood and ... okay just blood. which, is actually a good thing when you can't see it - when it's where it's supposed to be inside our bodies. but when we see the redness of it, things are usually not going well. usually. anyway, i digress.

red yells. red goes overboard and can't stop herself. she goes where she is uninvited. and then becomes the very life of the party.

she celebrates. she laughs too loud. red smells good. red even feels good! it's hearts and lollipops, lipstick marks and blushing,.. cherries! good things, yummy things. there is a lot that is Fabulousness about red. best of all:

red is unapologetic for red.

perhaps this is what draws me in. i took a chance on a red planner; risked being bold. and it paid off. red worked for me. so i got another one. and red demanded more.

one cannot be a casual friends with red.

and so, in the Spirit of Red, I am unabashedley embracing that which is entirely New and Unknown to me. i continue to move boldly (most of the time; sometimes i act more pink than red.)

here's to throwing my head back and laughing out Very loudly and bursting into the new with faith, hope and Red!

grate . blend. chop. pureé. serve.

dear universe/god/unknowable Other,

need a little help here. like answers, or direction or even cash.

or all of the above.

what's a girl chasing a dream supposed to do? do i need a butterfly net for dreams or some sort of sugar water bird dream feeder? help a sista out!

oh god. i can't even write and be all clever about this. i feel like crap. AGAIN. is anyone ever so sure about what they are doing? why do i keep bumping violently, painfully into Doubt? how come i can't just know it and never doubt it? what gives? this seasonal experience of vacillation is unwelcome and unpleasant to say the least. it's like this: i settle comfortably (oh... i think i see - i just used the word comfortably which i suspect the Other doesn't like)... anyway, so i settle into a general acceptance of the task at hand and my belief system du jour and then something goes bump in the night. my eyes fly open in an adrenaline fueled panic and i lay waiting for the other shoe to fall (mixing metaphors is great!). but it doesn't come.

or does it?

what am i saying, really?

i am tired of thinking that i've fought and struggled and prayed and silenced and loved and heard and talked and cried and wondered and believed my way into the The Way only to have the prayer mat pulled out from under me.

for me. for ME. for the children entrusted to my care and heart, i know that i cannot - cannot - put them into the traditional school system. i can't. i can't. i can't i can't i can't i can't.

what i Can do is give them the very best of our Selves. give them my Love, show them their Light and follow them through the pathways of their Being. we have much to learn together. this is my very first passion, my deepest oldest calling of The Spirit. i know that i can't not do this. unless they straight up ask me not to.

the next ripple in that outward flow of our passion is to give this gift to all children. i feel so strongly about this that this is also something i can't not do. some people get fired up about social injustice, some environmental, other still economical. God gives us each our unique way of acting on Love's behalf on our journey. for me the ground dwelling, sky arching, wave pulling call is to create Loving, true, kind, relevant, appropriate, humane spaces of learning for all children. places of learning where children are recongized for the unique part they play in their community. where the whole child is nurtured and revered. i truly believe this would be most effective starting place for addressing the other bits. (can children who are treated with kindness and respect and honor; children who are shown how they belong as an important part of the world and one of God's chosen - can they turn around to become selfish, uncaring adults?)

you all know my song and dance. everyone knows that i will not remain silent and demure about this matter.

so... God. WTF?

what's with the thomas syndrome? and what am i supposed to do?????

i feel like i am being forced to choose between my birth children, Your children and the work I feel called to with the children of the church community. have i offered my suggestion about the neon sign with answers or directions? or the cash?

this is my prayer:
i need to experience like minded mothers/educators. the texas conference in september will be a fair trade for the albany one in june. please provide all the funds we need for the airfare, hotel, conference, food and extras for me, Lauryn and Ryan.

i really need to know how to move forward or even stand still and wait regarding creation of an alternative learning space here in new providence ('Providence'??? need i say more???). i need clear clear Clear answers about what the next step needs to be.

show me how to create a schedule that will meet my needs for silence and contemplation, my children's and my own needs for me to be there with them, to move forward or wait patiently with sharing the philosophy of learner centred education and for me to be able to build a healthy, fruitful, happy, well run children's ministry at the church.
this is my prayer.

and so it is.

lint

i am harbouring resentment like lint between my toes.

the light side of me

self deprecating used to be my M.O. i came to find it a loathsome activity - for my self and for everyone else's selves. it is fruitless, uncomfortable and harmful. nuff said.

i was thinking about how i have a hard time accepting compliments about myself that i find hard to believe. (like when i'm called "pretty". that is impossible to believe. not that i think that i'm ugly or anything. just not pretty. )

anyway. this is not going the way i had planned it. i wanted to wonder around the things that i happen to think are redeeming qualities. 'redeeming' i realize is a bit loaded. i just mean what i like about me. the things about cian that are a credit to cian and possibly the people around cian. (talking about my self in the third person is very odd.)

so here goes (in no particular order):

i love my smile. i think it's radiant. (good god, this is a bit embarrassing but it's an exercise.)
i love that people say they like hugging me. i haven even been told that hugging me feels like home. i like that.
my sense of humor is one of my best qualities.
i love how music moves me.
sometimes, i am a good listener.
i care about people.
i care a great deal about our earth.
my friends are my friends in the truest sense of the word.
i have a sense of adventure.
i really love my hair.
i think i'm a half decent writer (usually until i read someone else's! :)
i have an aptitude for languages.
i'm not a frilly girl. i like that about myself.
i am comfortable just being one of the guys.
your secret is safe with me.
children mean the world to me. all of them.
i am an intentional mother.
so far, i have given my children (the start of) a really great life.
when it comes to the 'big stuff', i don't often choose the easy way. (not sure why this is redeeming, but i think it says that i'm not afraid to risk the cost.)
i think i have beautiful brown skin.
i do not accept the status quo.
i have an open(ing) heart.
God dwells within me. (this is not my doing. the profundity of this cannot be understated. this is my Being.)
i really really love nature.
i have a soft spot for animals.
i am learning to identify and not-sweat the small stuff.
i have learned a tremendous amount of everything from reading.
i now find myself choosing kindness more often than not.
i really love a good time.
i am a pretty good dancer.
i like to cook.
i bake cookies (from scratch) for and with my children.
i am becoming more and more unafraid with each sweep of the second hand. this is good.
Love permeates my life in all possible shapes, forms, dimensions and intangibles.
i am unyieldingly in love with, and committed to my husband, my best Best friend.
beauty reveals herself to me everywhere through all my senses.
i really love growing older. and though i have no regrets, i would not go back in time to gain 'youthfulness'.
i do not regret.

not even this.

inspired by the mouth of my babe

Me: You're so perfect! Who made you perfect, Ryan?
Ryan: Ummm... I dunno.
Me: God made you perfect!

(Pause)

Ryan: Who's God, mom?
Me: (stumped)

(Pause)

Me: You know that feeling you get when you feel like you love mommy? . (he gets this feeling a lot.)
Ryan: Yeah?
Me: That's Who God Is.

leaving the kitchen

i can't handle the heat. it's a little like frying bacon naked.

you're right. no one could have prepared me for this. all of us - ALL of us - go into it with our own preconceived ideas of how it will be different in OUR lives. we have ALL the answers way ahead of time. those other people are just too stupid to know that they're doing a bum job and wallowing in the consequences. poor lost souls, we think. we'll show 'em, we think.

ha!

that last laugh business is rearing it's maniacal donkey faced head.

so now, i have come to PA and i am saying, hi my name is cian and i don't know how to raise my son. (your turn to listlessly respond: hi cian.)

i know i know i know. everyone is trying to figure out what my problem is. why can't i just stfu and do my job? because so few other women are saying these things i feel i must. i'll take the hit for being the mom who doesn't know what to do - it seems - a LOT of the time.

in talking to N this morning, i think i kind of had a mini epiphany. a seeing through the glass less darkly kind of moment. i think my boy is so intense and so alert and so HERE that he never really winds down. he doesn't have Mellow Moments. there is no fade to black with ryan. just bright shiny pictures that sometimes turn into retina searing bright sunlight and then back to pictures again. no black. no dark. no off.

what about when he's sleeping?

even then. even that. which is what led me to the mini epiphany. i keep hearing the echo of a friend's voice as we were chatting one summer afternoon two years ago. (and yes, you can picture any random cheesy soap opera scene of the character staring off into space with the voice bouncing around in their presumably empty heads).

"if you wean him, there's still no guarantee he'll sleep through the night." he said.

damn you D. you were so bleeding right.

and so... we are now awakened with excruciating regularity by the sound of ryan crying that he can't sleep. he can't sleep. he can't sleep. he can't sleep. he can't sleep.

i realize at this point that good old Attitude of Gratitude might help. after all, at least he's well. he's here. he can speak. he is not dead. (if these are offending you, then perhaps you may need to consider looking away.)

at least i'm honest.

my point being that even in sleep he is too (wired is the best word i can come up with but i don't like the negative connotations so maybe i should say) Alert to sleep very deeply or very long. which is why he has been sleeping in underwear since he figured toilet learning out. (in contrast his sister, 5, still sleeps in pullups 2 years after daytime learning because she sleeps as deep as the night is long.)

so what am i to do? how can i stop being the awful evil yelling shouting pushing shoving hitting (yes. yes. yes.) mom? i do these things out of moldy, rotting frustration. the bad terrible frustration that causes me to act like a ... well, like ryan. look here people i'm not proud. and i am not ashamed. i just recognize my very short comings and i need help to figure out how to lengthen the bastards.

of course i know it's a complete idiot who fries bacon in their underwear (i learned my lesson!) and i know i need some clothes or an apron. following that metaphor, i can't find the store that sells either of those things.

you know the history. i keep making peace. but that's never it. as if i keep thinking the kitchen towel can protect me. but it's not enough. i need the whole getup.

help.

and the walls come crashing down

i feel like weeping.

i really do.

here i was going along thinking that i have been doing a good job (for the most part) raising my children. all the while doing to my daughter exactly what was done to me but in a different way.

i don't really want to go into my own VERY unhealthy relationship with food. i don't. it's too depressing.

but i really really believed that i was doing the right thing by withholding crap from my children. i thought it would teach them how to eat and appreciate healthy foods. this admission is very difficult for me. that i've done a very shitty job these last 5 years. i didn't know. i just didn't know.

what else have i been doing wrong?

i guess i'll be spending the next few days over at Sandra Dodd learning and unlearning about how to be a better mom.

this is so so sad for me. i hope i can change (myself).

Random Objects

i have been itching to write for weeks now. just itching! but i haven't had the time or the head space. what a minute, what am i talking about? all i have in my head is space, it seems as i am almost never able to find the words and thoughts i am looking for - just empty spaces.

random thought number one:
january just kind of got sucked down the toilet didn't it? one minute it's 'happy new year' and the next second i'm cutting out paper hearts for valentine's day crafts. good god, it's almost the middle of february already! i feel like swiper the fox is stealing weeks off my calendar! anyway, i guess i am kind of glad to be past this most recent past. it hasn't been easy.

random thought number two:
happy 'goingoutaversarry' to (me and) nathan! today is the thirteenth anniversary of us being together! (not married, just together).

#3
jeez louise life can be difficult!

#4
i'm so thankful to my dear friends (most notably NS DST and CM) for helping me see things.. differently.

5
i'm getting lazier as the list progresses

6
i am learning to believe that i can do it. whatever 'it' actually turns out to be. i must be learning because at this particular moment, i am not feeling terrified at the thought.

7
i gotta go b/c nathan needs to use the computer to earn a living. somehow, blogging random thoughts seems to pale in comparison.

this has been the single most non-cathartic writing, uninteresting episode of my blogging career.

Initial Reactions to The New Year

it's early yet for 2009, to be sure. and, of course, i realize this whole concept of a New Year is just a mental construct. a time marker. laundry day for time. it's the time when most humans give ourselves permission to start all over again. to try something new or to approach something in a different way.

in many ways, these are noble ideas. i am sure that there are even a few instances where resolutions equal revolutions. but for the most part, like anything else, the novelty soon wears off and we get sucked back into the 'drudgery' of a regular old year. regular old same old same old.

but not me.

sure i stayed up till after midnight (EST) and watched the fireworks across the harbour. and yes, i celebrated with friends and family on the eve. but for me, i feel this idea of a fresh start is always available to us. a person can celebrate new year's day ANY day of the year. we are free to decide that there is no time like the present.

right now is a new moment. and now. and now.

if i had a new year's resolution - and i don't - it would be to accept What Is. I am. You are. oo use a rather tired catch phrase: It is what it is. there is no changing the past, no matter how recent it is. you or i cannot even change something that happened 1 second ago. so let's agree to leave it be. as for what will happen next... you know. you may not know that you know, but you really do know. which leaves us smack dab in the middle of Now.

Now is your chance. Do the work you need to do. Or maybe you need to go on a journey.

i don't want to be all preachy. (it may be too late and if it is, i apologise.)

all i'm saying is. there is no such thing as new years, really. there isn't just one.

please give yourself permission to change your life anytime you feel like it. Now, for example.

Re-Calibrating

Everyone always says (how do you like that for overgeneralization?) that Ryan is such a wonderful boy and that he is so sweet that they simply cannot comprehend why I say such awful things about him.

It's true.

They say that.

And I do say awful things about my boy. I do. I say he's evil. I say he's difficult. I say he's traumatized me. I say he's scared me into not having any more kids (for now). Why, I may have even said all or some of those very things on this very blog. I feel like I am always bitching and moaning about raising my son, Ryan.

Aren't there any praises and good things to say about him? (Aside from what everyone else thinks?) Of course there are! I mean, he's ... bubbly and... funny and ... (looking off into nothingness trying to find words here)... we'll he's just a fun kid! I'm sure he is!

Right?

Yes, it's true that he's bitten and torn two holes in the couch upholstery, then ripped a massive, human-2-year-old-male-child sized hole in the slip cover for the self same couch. It's true that he's written on every - and i mean EVERY - wall in our (read with a grimace: rented) house. Yes, of course he's broken countless random objects. (What two year old child hasn't!) And yes, he hits and pushes everyone. EVERYONE. Oh, and let's not forget that he throws everything lighter than himself (so what's that? 35 lbs or less, maybe) anywhere and everywhere in the house. Even if you catch him about to do it and you say: RYAN. RYANNNN. RYAN!! DO! NOT! TH... and throws and breaks it anyway. Then you swear under, sometimes over your breath as you clean up the bloody mess...

So what? (Right?)

I mean, the constant whining from dawn till dusk shouldn't bother me. Him having a minor (or major) coronary whenever his fork falls or food spills on him, or his sandwich tears or his shoes won't go on right, or I forget to let HIM put the key in the door (a 30 minute exercise) and turn the key (another 10 minutes) to get out of the house when mommy's rushing somewhere, or if I take away a sharp pointy object (knives, poles, metal rulers etc.) that will no doubt puncture external and internal organs in the blink of an eye, or anything really. All that should just ROLL right off my back, right?

Thankfully, I've stopped worrying that the only foods he eats are:

eggs (sometimes)
cheese (sticks, preferably)
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
raisins
certain granola bars
very watered down orange or cranberry juice
shotlit milk (soy, rice or almond usually)
and the odd banana or canteloupe chunks here and there
and, of course, fries

That's it. I'm not kidding. And quite frankly, the top winners in terms of frequency and regularity are PBJ and OJ (water) and Shotlit Milk. So what if he doesn't eat chicken or vegetables?! Big deal!

Nope. I'm not worried about that!

You know what's funny? As crazy and tazmanian-devil/tornado like this boy is, he is still very much a baby who needs me more than I realise. It's not that he's not independent in his own way, but he's not like his sister who - in retrospect - seems to have grown up a bit faster. No. He needs to run and play a lot but he also needs me to be there for him just as much, if not more.

This is what I am realising. And I suspect, that's been my struggle all along: sub- or unconsciously thinking he doesn't need me as much anymore and getting upset and resentful when he did. An very, very unfortunate (what? mindset? oversight?) thing that has been unfair to us both.

So I'm re-calibrating. Tuning up the Mommy Hold Me buttons and easing off the - if i can be brutally honest here - Leave-Me-Alone/ Don't-Need-Me-So-Much-Please! knobs.

I've needed to process this for a while. Thanks for listening and not judging. Thanks for accepting a flawed, but deeply loving nonetheless Mother.