Re-Deciding To Homeschool

The first time I decided to homeschool my children, I didn't really make the decision at all.  Sort of like how when you get pregnant, you don't make a conscious decision to wait 40 weeks and then start labour.  It just follows (usually).

There my children were, there I was, there were my ideals and there was homeschool.  Bada-bing, bada-boom.

In hindsight I see that I might have even resisted the idea by trying to enroll my firstborn into various and sundry schools only to discover some huge unforgivable flaw and then pull her.

Just over seven years into it, some big life thing happened and I felt like I had no other choice - given the circumstances - but to make the excruciatingly painful (this is not hyperbole, it really was that painful) decision to put them in school.

Fast forward six months: it's the end of the year and plans must be made for the the next one (apparently these things just keeping coming at you whether you're ready or not).

And just when I'd accepted my new life as a mother of two children in school, homeschooling landed squarely in the crosshairs as a viable option as a way forward in september.

The irony of the difficulty of this decision cannot be overstated.  It's still me.  Me who six months ago felt like I had swords and chainsaws in my - well, my softest most sensitive inner bits - as I concluded that, no, I cannot continue to give this Thing to my children.  I twisted keen edge of that decision round and round and wondered if there was ever to be a reprieve from the pain of letting this go, this Big Important Value of mine.  I searched scoured my husband's face for signs of his disappointment.  And I fought like hell to believe that I was still - at least - a decent human being.

It's still me.  Only now (a scant half a year after the unforgivable) I find myself struggling to wrap my head around doing it all again.  Terrified of being too much not-enough, among other things.

I spent hours and hours, days and days, tick after piercing middle-of-the-night tick with the thoughts rolling around like marbles in a tin can.  Can I do it?  Should I do it?  Do I want to do it?

Can I really do this... again?  (What I have just written so easily, like a singular query is really 10 thousand what-ifs, doubts and fears coalescing into the form 'can i?')

I followed some of my own advice and broached it with the other individuals whose immediate concern it would be - my children.  Ryan glibly - if not blithely - declared that he wanted to go back to school (a genuine surprise and not-surprise all at the same time) and Lauryn, after a characteristic pause said that, yes, she would like to homeschool.  (Not long after this conversation I was told that Lauryn was later overheard telling her best friend "When I start homeschooling I can go the Humane Society anytime I want.")  (Note to self: find resources that talk about why gloating is maybe not the best form of communication.)

And so it came to pass that after re-thinking, re-hashing, re-evaluating and re-everythinging, I re-decided to homeschool my daughter.  (Full disclosure: knowing it would only be Lauryn definitely sweetened the deal for me.)  (Hey, at least I'm honest!)

This time, it's not just the natural next step, which was fine and good before.  No. This time is consciously boarding the plane already wearing a parachute because I know I'm gonna skydive.  (I know the metaphors couldn't be any further apart if I tried, but this one felt good for the ending.)

I am really looking forward to taking the leap with Lauryn.  I have really good feelings about September.  Now, if I could just settle on some sort of curriculum...  (I've learned that I need to keep her at grade level incase the "market" crashes again.)

*Dons amalgam of skydiving gear, heads for the plane and turns back to give a thumbs up*

What Will People Think?!?!

Inspired by a recent conversation and this blog post, I thought I'd say a little something about my choices and our lives a home/un-schooling family.   Many people haven't heard of the term and many that have, heard it spoken with condemnation and judgement.  (I won't even bother to link that horrific train wreck of sub-substandard reporting that happened on ABC some months ago.)

What is "un-schooling"?  For me, it's the philosophy that also undergirds democratic education - every person is born a natural learner and that they have the right to learn about what is meaningful to them and that they are to be treated with respect of the whole and growing person that they are.  

You can find a more information about Unschooling here, but like other lifestyle choices, there are a myriad of ways that people translate the philosophy into their own lives and it's is very difficult to pin down any one way to un-school.

I personally don't even like the term un-school.  I much prefer natural learning, learner-directed - even autodidact!   Lately I find myself writing or saying "home/un-school".  Even so, I don't volunteer the self-directed part to people unless they ask what curriculum I use, because then - depending on the person - it can get all weird and defensive and stuff: me explaining learner directed education and them feeling threatened by my rejection of what is "normal".

What was the point of this ramble, anyway?  Getting to it!

One well meaning person asked me today "So, how is [homeschooling] with everyone?"
Sorry, what?
"You know, with society and the government?"
I told her that, "Lucky for me, I don't care what 'society' thinks and the Bahamian laws are vague enough to include home schooing (something like you have to "cause your child to learn") as legitamate, so we're good ... with 'everyone'."

How come I don't care?  Well, I didn't (and still don't) always not-care.  It has been a process - some seven years in the making - involving countless tedious steps.  Some of which include crushing self-doubt, a terrifying sense of aloneness, and absolute humility at the megalithic responsibility of my choices to UN-SCHOOL our children in just about every sense of the term.

*Sigh*

Yeah, it has not been easy.   I had to dig and search and find something True that I could tether myself to.  So I thought about how absolutely confident I was about my choice to nurse my children.  And not just to nurse, but to go above and beyond what our society accepts as "normal" to what's actually closer to normal but called "extended breastfeeding".    I didn't give a rat's ass what people thought about me nursing my baby or toddler.  (<--  The best way I know how to say I couldn't care less!)

So I went back to that, and after "extended research", I found that same confidence about my choice to let my children direct their learning with me as a loving mentor and guide.  And now, after lots of heartache and self-doubt, I really do not care one bit what people think about us being a home or un-schooling family.

Still, sometimes people - mostly relatives - tell me what I should be doing. "You need to give that boy a haircut."  Not a decision about education, I know, but a choice we have left to the owner of the hair nonetheless.  His head.  His hair.  Really has nothing to do with me, the way I see it.  If I feel particularly fiesty I'll ask a simple matter of fact "Why?".  When it's a grandma, I politely change the subject.  (Probably reverse ageism, I know.  But what can I do?  I don't want to offend everyone!)

Coming Out and telling the world that I am starting a Democratic School has helped tremendously.  That somehow validates what I do at home.  I don't need validation, but now I have less explaining to do.  I could have gone on quite happily living and loving life with my two babies turning into children, soon be turning to young adults.  But at least now when people question me - generally speaking - it's more in the tone of "tell me more about this new, fascinating teaching style you espouse" than "good god woman, what kind of anti-social, agenda-ridden madness are you forcing on those poor children behind closed doors?".  Though I still get the latter from time to time.

It's funny, really.  That might just be me, however, as I have long been a fan (albeit unbeknownst to me) of non-conformism.

Either way.  I love the life we have as natural learners all together.  Am I ever afraid?  Of course!  It's the ones who never question even their own status quo that I'm worried about.

Growing Pains

I am going to struggle to articulate this feeling that comes in pangs and waves, as I watch my children grow up.  This feeling of - honestly - sadness, as the hours, the days and the years shutter-click by.

I mean, of course I am filled with amazement and joy as I watch these two incredible individuals unfurl before my eyes.  Of course.  But lately I find my heart stopping intermittently as I notice - really see just how fast my children are growing.  I am eternally thankful for some kind of accidental wisdom I must have found (God only knows where) that allowed me to be free of "looking forward" to the next stage of development.  I can honestly say that I wasn't ever waiting for what was supposed to happen next.

I have a crystal clear memory of myself holding tiny Lauryn in the rocking chair, she must have been... ? two weeks old, maybe? and I put my hand on her back and I was so fully Present with how she felt in my hands, on my shoulder - so tiny and new and fragile.  I remember reading the words of the lullaby I had printed and taped to the chest of drawers as I sang to her (... Lavender blue, dilly dilly, lavender green...).  I remember thinking, This moment, this ever so small person - will be gone in a flash.

And it is.  It's gone.

Maybe I may seem like I'm being melodramatic.  (And maybe I am, but this is my blog and I'll cry if i want to.)  But now I look at this comparatively HUGE little girl and I feel sucker punched.  I see her, I hear her, I feel her in my arms - dangling legs brushing my knees and I cannot believe it.

Seven years have passed.  Just.  Like.  That.

Somehow, it doesn't feel as visceral with Ryan.  I am still surprised and amazed at his rapid growth but I guess in some ways, he's baby hood was shadowed a bit by the business of also caring for my still small,  toddler Lauryn so it doesn't have quite the same affect on me.

I think to myself, She's in her eighth year of life.  A thought that stops time and spins the world around me so I need to touch something.  I am so serious about this.  I have to blog because I just don't hear any one experiencing this as deep down as I seem to be.  Though to be fair to everyone else, it could just be a symptom of me being a drama monarch.

It just feels like I'm trying to take water from the well in my cupped hands.

What's the resolution here?  More presence.  I need to rekindle that deep awareness and sense of presence so I hope to add a few nano seconds to the experience of raising these people.

I am imagining holding my "big" little girl close and being as present with the words of The Velveteen Rabbit and her hearing it, as I was with the lyrics of the lullabies.  Me sitting beside Ryan and building dragons ans blazers with the same 'being-there-ness" as I had nursing him.

And then one day when they are adults and we're all together, maybe sipping tea, maybe cooking, maybe just shooting the breeze, I can See them, and Feel them and Hear their tiny voices in all those memories that line the compartments of my heart.  Knowing full well, that there is always room for more.

Joan Osbourne Theology

"if god had a face, what would it look like?" joan osbourne asks me through my ipod.  i look out the window at the pedestrians and see answers everywhere.

but this is not a blog god or what god might look like, this is a blog about my journey as a mom and so i segue now into the conversation i had with lauryn and ryan last night, inspired by ms. osbourne and her query.

ryan was praising - i mean praising, people - god for ketchup and rice all the scrumptious flavours in his mouth. so i asked him what joan asked me, all casual like. acting like i just happened to wonder, "hey ry, if god had a face, what would it look like?" to which he responded that She would have short hair. (me on the inside: o... kay?...) (now I'm going to write it out like a script so it's easier to follow, k?)

me: what colour would it be?
ry: yellow.
me: like annina?
ry: who's annina?
me: the little girl in playgroup (silent: duh!)
ry: oh. ...yes.
me: what colour would her eyes be?
ry: blue.

that's the end of the conversation according to ry's demeanor and body language. i ask lauryn the same thing (as she was eagerly suggesting answers on the side).

lauryn: he would have long hair. curly hair.
me: what colour would it be?
lauryn: blonde, no, brown. and he would have a beard. but not connected to his hair.
me: what colour would his eyes be?
lauryn: brown. and he'd have a nose like yours (she points to my nose).
me: what about his skin?
lauryn: it would be light brown.
me: like yours?
lauryn: no, like sagey's (her bestie that's half caucasian and half filipino)
me: but sagey's skin is pretty close to yours.
lauryn: oh. then... (thinking)... khaki.
me: you mean like daddy's?
lauryn: (emphatic) YES!
me: could god have brown skin like mine?
lauryn: yeah.. sure.

the converstion ends here due to environmental factors (arrival of dad, primarily).

so. okay. my children think god is caucasian. ryan always - for reasons completely unknown to me - refers to god as "she", even if i say "he" ryan responds with "she". naturally, as an equal opportunity gender deity proponent, this makes me feel pleased. so for ryan, god is a caucasian female and for lauryn god is a caucasian male.

interesting.

this doesn't cause me to feel any particular feeling.  i am pretty neutral about it.  i know this is a common idea in children's perception and i don't make a lot of meaning out of it... yet.  i personally believe that whatever deity exists, if it had a face, it would be all our faces.  certainly not the old charlton heston god, nor the calm european catholic jesus. when i say any prayers, i direct them at the faces of the people i'm praying about. this works best for me.

still, i find it interesting that my children have concluded that god would be european if god had a face.

what does god look like to you?

Walking with Bare Feet

I went to visit a dear old friend of mine today.  (she doesn't mind being called "old").  this friend is someone who speaks to me in ways that no one else can.  she calls to me.  she tells me stories.  she reveals Truth and helps me see more clearly.  she understands the language of my heart; in many ways, she's the author, originator of wordless communication.

i removed my shoes in her presence, as i often do, but today it was very uncomfortable to do so.  our meeting place today was quite rocky - sharp rocks - but i knew i couldn't wear my shoes.

it was in this experience that i saw the beauty of walking bare footed.  the rocks are rough and pointy, to be sure, but what really stuck me in the feet were the countless numbers of tiny snails that cling to the rocks.  i wished for a brief moment that i had some other soft shoes that i could use to walk on the rocks without getting hurt but then i realized that doing that would have killed many many snails because I would have been unable to feel them.

"yes." she whispered.  "exactly."

she gave me another valuable life lesson:

to tread ever so gently, even where it seems harsh and tough because I never know what soft creatures find their homes there.

sure, snails have pointy shells but they are defenseless against large feet in shoes that can crunch them without a second thought.  bare feet, however, know how to look out for the feet and the snails.

thank you dear Ocean for your magnificent beauty and for the way you sit quietly with me, revealing ourselves to me.  

[not alex haley's] Roots

i have been saving since 2009 to take my family on this long-awaited trip to Jamaica. i have and it was. the last time we were here was 2008. the 2009 trip was missed due in only part to my foolish dependence on some sort of magical goodwill [being] "unexpectedly" providing the means (read: funds) for us to come here.

i waited and waited and nothing happened. though, if i were to be fair and mention the annoyingly tenacious bright side, i would mention that we did, however, go to florida in august to visit my mom and sisters as a sort of consolation prize. (no offense to my mom and sisters, just - our hope was to come to jamaica and live jamaican.

anyway, way to start a blog post with a digression without even getting into the content.

as i was saying before i interrupted ourselves - we worked pretty hard to get here. and here we are! loving our green days, crunchy, salty afternoons, delicious moments and the (re-)discovery of roots.

in demonstration of a profound lack of originality i have to say that regardless of all the cost(s) associated with this trip, being here has truly been priceless.

it's like i've been wearing shoes for two years mostly feeling okay but mildly aware of a burgeoning discomfort; and now i have finally been able to take them off and put my soles upon the earth. tasting it, breathing it, infusing it - becoming It.

but that's not even the best part. nope. not by a long shot.

i'll tell you what it is: it's giving this gift to my children with my best friend. somewhere in the tension of being "non-political/globalist/humanist" and feeling fiercely loyal to my jamaican-ness, i experience an exquisite kind of joy at passing parts of these parts of my self to my children. mountains, caves, animals, rivers, indigenous fruit, peoples, our family, friends and food. inside of these things the earliest version of my self was created and remains a big part of who i am.

(L-R, Front Row to Back: My son Ryan, Jordan (Collie's Nephew), Nathaniel (Andre's son), my daughter Lauryn, Latoya White holding her daughter Victora, my Aunt Pauline, (her husband) Wilmot White, my hubby Nathan, Sean White, Collie (my step mother), and Andre White.

these three (soon to be four) weeks of simply (re-)Being Jamaican together have been more meaningful to me than i have the ability to articulate.

did magic get us here this time? i think so. the magic of hoping, dreaming, and refusing to take no for an answer (aka reckless determination). a magic that has manifested in tangible and unobservable ways on this trip. it has both held us and been held by us all in common.

from wherever this has come, the source of light and goodness, i am eternally thankful to have been it's conduit and witness.

i have come to jamaica and i don't just "feel a'right" - i feel fantastic!

peaceful parenting: Doctors Reject Circumcision As HIV Prevention

peaceful parenting: Doctors Reject Circumcision As HIV Prevention

the fool proof formula for parenting

we have no guarantees.

you can feed your children perfect, balanced foods ensuring them optimum nutrition.
you can send your child to the Best Schools anywhere.
you can raise a Gifted child.
you teach your child perfect social skills and manners.
you can teach your child discipline and self control.
you can expose your children to the world through travel and culture.

you can do all these things and more to give your children the best possible start or opportunities. you really can.

BUT. (ahhh, the but. you saw it coming, don't act all surprised and stuff.)

if You are not happy, if your (child's) family is not happy and if your Child is not happy, none of it - not one iota of what you do- amounts to anything.

i don't mean spoiled, given every thing all the time no matter what. that's not happiness, that's gratification.

i mean Happy-ness. loving life, excited to be here now (generally speaking, of course as we have all been the painfully embarrassed parent of a screaming child -in public).

watch your child. observe this person and evaluate her behaviors and words. is she happy, angry, sad? providing a loving environment that is rich with joy, laughter and love of life - this will undergird any of your other efforts to grow a healthy happy human. it's really the cornerstone for any truly alive person.

as i have said before on this blog (which is a totally teefed quote just like the rest of them): happy people make happy families, make happy communities, make happy countries, make a happy world.

check the mirror. check your life. are you happy?

what this woman wants

for the last, most recent space in time i have felt completely adrift. a bit like clinging to driftwood after a terrible storm. i have not known any thing. no, not one. everything became utterly unknowable and incomprehensibly dark.

i have felt as though Every Thing i knew, and all that has held my life-navigation vessel intact was destroyed leaving me- well, nowhere. absent. lost. forgotten.

forgotten.

erased.

vanished.

i am reminded now of a quote that says that it must become dark in order for the stars to shine. and yet i saw nary a twinkle.

until now.

i asked myself just now as i witnessed the stars and they returned the favor - what do i want? what does cian want? what does Love want for me?

and i saw a star. the luminescent beauty of which shone directly into and out of me.

what i want more than anything is to be (keep being) with my children. to Be With My Children.

To Be With My Children.

and suddenly i am tethered. something has grabbed a hold of me. and i grow in the awareness that not only am i seeing a star, but i am seeing stars. i am seeing and being seen by the whole universe. a universe that is within me, through me. is me.

this desire is mine. but Mine with a capital M because it is the oldest deepest desire of my heart.

i smile because this is true. and real. and tangible and knowable. i am tethered to none other than the north star and i can point my way home.

i can.

i can.

i can!

cian=ican

i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can!!!!!!!


/p.s. - i need to note that this is about what i want to do with my life. and my life begins with me + nathan, who has always been and continues to be the place in the ground of all being to which i am always anchored. it is from our place together as One that any movement in my journey begins.

"you must respect my authoritay"

inspired by a dialogue i am currently engaged in, i thought i'd speak for a moment about "authority". rather, The Authorities. as in, "Act normal. The Authorities are here."

i'm not quite sure where i want to go with this. i'll start by quoting myself quoting someone else: "the majority is never right". (oookayyyy...). i mean, i can think of so many instances in history and present time where a great many people believe A Thing and respect the "authority" that - for lack of better words - *authored* the Thing and then at some point one or three people said, um, i don't THINK so.. and everyone was like what? ...ohhhhhhh. well, most everyone. ... the smart people, anyway.

(good god what a pointless ramble).

anyway, i have this quote as my signature from Thomas Henry Huxley which says that every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority. a friend challenged me on the overstated nature of the quote and we have been back-and-forthing about it. which led me to this blog post.

is this really true? the absolute rejection of authority? yes, i think it's really true. and now i'm going to tell you why.

to pick the quote apart to it's bones (possibly marrow), i think it was the absolute rejection of authority. but not of *all* authority, just the particular authority on the matter at hand. you may think the sun revolves around the earth, mr. pope, but i beg to differ and in so doing i reject your authority on the matter. absolutely!

you may think it is good to put children in buildings and force them to memorize facts all day every day until they are 18 mr. whole western world, but i beg to differ and i absolutely reject your authority on the matter. sure people need to know things. but i do not accept your pre-packaged "standard facts" that every person must know or be absolutely worthless. i do not accept your idea that all humans need to know the same things at the same time. this is, in the least preposterous, idiotic and incomprehensibly absurd!

i feel that this rejection has given me my own personal advance in natural knowledge, particularly as it pertains to natural learning. i am one of a rapidly growing number of people who are rejecting this authority on education. sure, we are still a minor minority but so were the civil rights activists, the guy who started amnesty international, jesus and his disciples, and even david koresh (just checking). my absolute rejection of that authority has opened a door to me about children as people with rights, not just rights to learn what they need (desire) to learn when they choose, but real life basic human rights. the same rights that women, brown skinned people and other people that have historically (and presently) been denied equal personhood by the reigning authority figures. all people have the right to their feelings, thoughts, opinions. the right to express those thoughts, feelings, opinions (while respecting other people). the right to be treated with respect.

i therefore reject the authority that states that people who are small and young must be struck to be corrected. i, who choose to refrain from subscribing to absolutes, find that i must absolutely reject this prevailing belief. another advance in natural knowledge? i think so. because i think that some generations from now we will look back with shame on the time when it was not just okay be "good" to hit children. yes i do. absolutely.

but i digress.

to get back to the quote, i figure it's time to close and i'll do so by saying that i am not so self absorbed in my philosophies and convictions that i don't see that the quote (taken out context) is a gratuitous overstatement. but for me it's like including a bit of static electricity in my email. just a small bzzt! to trigger a new thought (process!).

i also love being challenged (*squirm*) and pushed as it helps me to a) gain clarity about my own thoughts and b) appreciate, sometimes incorporate newer, broader perspectives.

bzzzt!

control, freak

WARNING: If you parent in the time honored tradition of coercive, punitive "discipline", authoritarian style, you are already offended at this blog post. You already feel as though I am questioning everything you believe in, stand for, think is Good and Right and True. Yes, this is Very Offensive indeed.

But the truth is that what I am doing is questioning my own long held beliefs about how people should be grown by other people. What I am pushing at, challenging - trying to get out of - is this very uncomfortable, scratchy, pokey even "safety net" (which i am now realizing was really a straight jacket) for raising children.

So... watch me squirm. Better yet, squirm with me, will ya?



People think that children who are compliant and easy to control are "good children".

Who among us hasn't seen the obedient child who "listens the first time" and then commented on what a Good Child that was?

[back to lowercase now.]

this is nothing short of vile and offensive to me. as my friend aptly articulated to me recently - and i'm totally paraphrasing - "people are only going to be 'children' for a very small part of their life, so we might as well allow them access [desirable?] adult patterns of behaviors so they can become familiar with and practice them. obviously, i don't mean inappropriate things. i am talking about the characteristics of happy, successful big people that already exist in happy successful small people. determination, persistence, unwillingness to accept the status quo or arbitrariness, looking for creative ways to do things, not being easily swayed... things like this.

in very young people we use labels like: defiant, sassy, rude, devious etc.

you know what this about? it's about *US*! the behaviors are hard for us to manage, the people don't do what we want them to do, they make us look bad to other people. it's more work for us.

our collective illusion of Safety in Control is foundational to the parenting philosophies that are popular today.

control the infant's feeding and sleep patterns or else the whole human being will be completely ruined and your life will be a wreck and you will be a bad parent. don't you dare give your hungry baby your breast when she asks for it or you risk being manipulated and raising a terrible and evil manipulating human. force independence on to naturally dependent creatures or else who knows when they'll stop needing you. everyone knows babies shouldn't need their parents emotional presence and support. all babies need is nourishment and a safe place to sleep. so start training them not to need you from birth just to make sure they really get it. make sure they learn as much as possible as soon as possible or else they will be blithering idiots who can't formulate coherent thoughts and the definitely won't be brilliant "academians" (so, i made up my own word), which everyone knows is the key to True Happiness. make all of their decisions about everything for them because they don't know any better and will magically develop this ability at age 18 as long as you keep doing it for them until then.

control control control.

when they get older, punishment is The Only Way to get them to do what you want them to do. no chance in hell that there are any good humans who weren't hit or coerced to goodness by their parents. and of course, every child who gets hit/controlled/manipulated/forced grows up to be a successful adult. (whatever the hell that is.) and it is about what they will be later because they are not actual whole complete people now. naturally.

all the evidence supports this. if you want to grow a robot who will not think for itself, this is definitely the way to go. that way, we can stagnate the progress of the human race and make sure that everything stays exactly the same because it's all SO good now, isn't it?

obedient, compliant adults who always do what they're told and never ask questions or challenge the status quo is what the world really needs.

talk amongst yourselves...

on having a bad Here day

i'm yelling, lauryn's yelling, ryan's hitting. it's not good.

we've had a pretty good day up to this point but ... i dunno... feeling like i'd like to be There now instead. like later when the margaritas are made.

she fights me on everything sometimes. and nothing is ever good enough. that's how i feel anyway. i get x, she wanted y. i take her to a, she wished it was b or that so and so was there. go to the movies, buy candy. but why do we have go home? let's go again. (whine complain bitch moan).


i feel like i'm on survivor trying to form an alliance with her before the merge. that reference might be lost on some, but there's always google. (which you'll have to do if you want to keep following because i plan to milk that metaphor). so yeah, the merge. i feel like i'm trying to form alliances with both kids. hey, person, i'm on *your* side. i'm making wheels and deals for us! when that other tribe gets all mixed in, don't fall for their tricksie talk. and even if you do, i'll still be on your side. i'll never vote you off.

so it's not so much that i'm actually trying to convince them that i'm on their side because i think they know but sometimes they think that suggestions like, "maybe you oughtta take that off before you swim in the mud" are a secret plot to destroy them. "please be kind to your brother" is a vile and subversive attempt at brainwashing her into a mindless stupor. or a simple "ryan, pleeeeeease try this" (food that we are all sharing) is an effort to off him.

i think i gotta keep finding ways to allow. just allow. thanks to Scott Noelle over at Enjoy Parenting and his Daily Groove inspirational emails, I get little nuggets of wisdom to help me Be the change or the light I hope my children will access in themselves and reflect back to me.

For the most part, okay - SOME of the times- i am able to accept What Is. ryan doesn't have to eat, his body will tell him when and what to eat and i will keep offering him good healthy options to choose from. lauryn doesn't have to know where her toys are, they are just things and they will come back to her or end up where they are meant to be.

inhale........

exhale....

i've just turned my frown down side up.

midnight blog snack

it's one oh seven AM. my kids and husband are sound asleep. so is the dog. and prolly the cat.

i am awake greedily devouring the silence in my house. so maybe it's more of a midnight feast. mm mmm good. i am half enjoying it.. well, more like 90% enjoying it and 10% fretting about the fact that is my rotation on the wake up tomorrow. :(

but it's worth it. sitting here and not being called. sitting here just sitting here.

nice.

there is a part of me that feels the need to explain away any possible appearance or perception on your part of ungratefulness for my kids. pish posh. i don't have to do that. you already KNOW i love my kids truly madly deeply. so... no. go to bed guilt monger! or at least have the decency to STFU at this hour of the morning. thank you.

so, where were we? oh yes. me stuffing myself to the rafters with the clock ticking and the air moving. me stuffing quiet into my pockets, my bra, my ears. me holding my nose and staying under as long as possible in this silence.

ohhhhhhh it is soooooo goooooooood.

that 10% worry factor grows with each tic toc however and to bed i must go. i now have about 6hrs of sleep to get. likely less with the 5.30am internal alarm with no reset button to be found. not even a stinkin snooze for crying out loud.

anyway - silence. me likey.

just going to pour some in my hair and brush my teeth with it and then it's off to bed for me.

munch munch swallow swallow burp. taste goooooooood....

a word is worth a thousand pictures

addicted to facebook as i am, it's given me a little ap that calculates the words most frequently used in my status updates this year. and status updates there were many. obviously i was totally unconscious that there would be some sort of word analysis software available at year's end and i am thankful for the results.

that is, the words i used most frequently provide an albeit rough sketch of the way i experienced the year. or is it possible that when i felt like crap i didn't post it? i doubt it because i'm usually pretty honest. usually.

the word "off" may seem a bit odd at first but that is me saying we or i am "off" to (do) this or that or the other. so it means we were "off" a lot! and i like that.

maybe 2009 has been a killer of a year financially, but thank God the hard parts were nicely cushioned between the good stuff. the stuff that matters, that counts.

and so i give you my own personal most frequently used (on facebook) in two thousand and nine:

1):happy - used 49 times
2):love - used 35 times
3):home - used 30 times
4):good - used 29 times
5):off - used 29 times
6):kids - used 28 times
7):thankful - used 25 times
8):great - used 24 times
9):today - used 24 times
10):feeling - used 22 times

i wish us all much happiness and love in our homes. good times and adventures. i wish our children voices that are heard and valued and meaningfulness in their beings. i wish us all gratitude. and may all our todays be great!

these things i wish for us all in two thousand and ten.

the way we were ... er... learn

as lauryn gets older and i become more ... (what's the word? i know!)... and i get older, i start to see the parallels between us and i can't help but wonder if in some cosmic blessing-as-joke kind of way, i am not getting the chance to raise myself, as it were.

i may or may not have mentioned before that she abhors, detests, cannot stand being told what to do. it's like splashing cold water on a hot griddle. so inasmuch as i can afford her that luxury, i attempt more, well, gentle ways of inviting her to do things. this way we all have a much better experience.

it's taken me kind of longish to realize that - (sheepish demeanor here) - i feel the same way. (i have a particular disdain for arbitrary - read: stupid and pointless - rules.)

the other thing is that she also resists any form of direct instruction/teaching. any scenario that involves me using too many words to impart knowledge invariably ends with me noticing her glazed, distant eyes, trailing off and then abruptly (but not at all bitterly) changing the subject or plain old shutting up. she'd much rather find things out for herself. instead of me telling her about white blood cells, it was far better to watch the video animation (after video animation, after fun, interesting video animation) of how they work. instead of me telling her how to sound words out, it was and has been far better to give her the tools and let her decipher the code of written word for herself.

it's taken me kind of longish to realize that - (you, guessed it: sheepish demeanor here) - say it with me: i feel the same way too.

there.

now isn't that better?

why yes. yes it is.

which causes me to wonder if i was as dreamy and loam fairy-like as she is. was i the kid who may have had feet on the ground but rarely had my head engaged in any thoughts about nitty gritty stuff like "reality"? rather, Other People's dull, boring, completely irrelevant to my experience Realities.

lauryn and i appear not only to be cut from the same cloth - but cut from the very same Bolt. mine has been patterned and cut and that's for the best.

but lauryn.

she gets a chance to find her own pattern, or not (!!). she gets to take her fabric and run with it. she has a rare and wonderful gem of an opportunity to do it frank sinatra style:

her way baby.

i watch her learn and i learn more every single day about the way both of us - alike but individuals - learn best. in revealing her self to me, she is gifting me in profound ways with glimpses into parts of my own, yet-unknown self.

i am conscious to watch for the potentially stifling pit fall of thinking she is me. of thinking i can somehow re-live my own history through her. this is Definitely Not About Me. sure, i get some speaking parts, but i'm not the lead in her story - She is. and, lucky for me, i have been given the role of producer.

this. this is a magnificent place to be. a wondrous (and i believe on going) experience of discovery of so very much that there is to learn out there.

and, equally (possibly more) important, in Here.

Activism 101

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
Press Release - Bahamas joins Global CandleLight for Climate Change
submitted by cian sawyer


As many people are aware, world leaders are in crucial talks during the next two weeks at the climate change conference in Copenhagen. This is a critical time in our history and environmental groups around the world are underscoring the need for ambitious international environmental policies to be formulated and implemented.

In a unique effort to tell our leaders that the world wants "The Real Deal" over 2,200 groups in 132 countries will be standing together in a Global Climate Vigils on Saturday December 12th, 2009 at or around 5.30pm (local time). Internet-based international activist group, Avaaz.org - The World In Action, is orchestrating this initiative and helping groups coordinate their efforts. (http://www.avaaz.org/en/)

Organizers, cian sawyer and Margot Bethel will be hosting the only vigil in The Bahamas and one of the few vigils being held in the Caribbean. Their intention is to join in the global effort, create awareness in our local community and to send a message to our own government that climate change is a relevant and fundamental issue that must be addressed if we are to move forward as a nation. Regionally speaking, we will be lighting candles and standing together with our neighbours: the Domican Republic, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

The locally named Candlelight for Climate Change is being held this Saturday, December 12th at 5.30 pm in front of The Hub - easily identified by a "Think Green Bahamas" mural - on Bay Street. The group will meet, light candles and share information then walk down to Rawson Square and back to The Hub. Participants in the vigil can feel a part of something larger and profoundly significant, knowing that they are one of possibly tens of thousands lighting candles together around the world. Parents are being encouraged to include their children, as this movement is ultimately about the well being of theirs' and future generations.

_________

Also - This link is for a relevant article that is being published internationally in many languages in news sources around the world. If you haven't already published it, I encourage you to do so. http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/dec/06/copenhagen-editorial

go with the flow, experts say

i experience my emotions like a hapless swimmer being sucked under and out by the sneaky, silent riptide. gayly bobbing on the surface enjoying the cool of the water against my skin, i think everything is fine. everything is great. perfect. maybe i'm watching the kids play in the sand on the beach, maybe they're snacking in the shade. it is such a delightful day. and, oh my god, how much do i LOVE this water so pretty and clear.

wait, what's that?

then in a heartbeat i'm being pulled - no. sucked into this invisible current that lurks just beneath the surface.

don't panic, they say. go with the flow, the say. panicking and swimming against the current will only tire you out and then you'll be too weak to stay above the surface. and then you'll be - to put it kindly - a goner. so go with the flow. let it take you out and exhaust itself and then you can swim parallel to the shore line and back in.

to belabor this metaphor even more, i have to wonder out loud how it is that i can possibly permit myself to free float into feelings that have no names. i know how to run, er.. swim screaming in the other direction from a shark, even a massive-almost-tidal wave but this. this? it feels too scary to let go. to not-struggle against it. to not push and push and push my way toward the sand where happiness plays.

and yet it is unavoidable. i'm already caught. do these feelings have to have names for me to let them come and let them go? without trying i find that exhaustion comes labeled and easily identifiable. and this turns out to be more than enough to persuade me to relax and go with the flow. to let them carry me knowing - now that i've been told by the Experts - that they will let me go. and i will be free to australian crawl my way back toward safety. toward happy feelings. to sunshine and sandcastles.

even so i can't help but notice that the overwhelming tiredness from the experience makes me feel like i'm dragging a boat behind me.

this is how i experience my emotions. just under the surface, strong and fast. it doesn't mean there is always a silent, invisible monster lurking right there. or here. but when they come, these feelings, they come like rip-tides; like thieves; like a sudden, violent storm. and then they're gone.

and now i am going, going, ...here.

ouch. i'm thenthetive.

no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to let go of the one or two comments, the three or ten looks that people have burned me with about how i'm a bad parent because i don't know how to control my son. i've talked about it, processed it, rationalized it but for some reason can't seem to get over it and/or let it go ...all the way.

sooo whenever i'm around people i get a little - antsy? protective? hyper-aware, maybe - of how people are interacting with my son and how people are interacting with me interacting with my son. the breeze just has to nudge the person's face just so and i am smarting on the inside. after a little bit of that, i start doing exactly the thing that i abhor and taking it out on him when i what i really need to do is say 'back TF off, OK?' to the offending party.

i won't go into the elongated version of the diatribe where i talk about how people who don't have exuberant, vim-infused, kinesthetic children have no idea what it's like. in fact, that sentence is the equivalent of the short version. and i don't want one more person to tell me that he's 'just being a boy'. there are millions - no BILLIONS - of boys in the world and all of them are not like each other. all of them are not like my son. as a matter of a fact there are girls who are like ryan. other boys who are like ryan (of course) so the qualifying criteria is not, in fact, anatomical possession of a penis and testicles (or parts thereof).

these are the children that go to school, don't fit in, and end up on ritalin or some such bloody nonsense because people need to label children to cover for the colossal inadequacy of the system. these are the children that get drugged into a drunken stupor that makes them appear to behave "properly" or like other "normal" people. poor, unfortunate souls, as Ursula the sea witch would say.
and while i cannot categorically deny the existence of an actual condition of A.D. anything, i can most assuredly say that i think most of it is bullshit. i am entitled to my opinion and i like it so i'm keeping it especially because i'm right. but my rightness is not what this particular commentary is about.

i can guarandamntee you that if ryan were to attend a regular school and merrily demonstrate his unwillingness (notice i did not say inability) to sit still for the boring drills and pointless memorization these people are subjected to, he would be labeled quicker'n you cin say "SIT DOWN!"

if his way of being is just him 'being a boy' then all boys - like 99% anyway - would get diagnosed, prescribed and medicated.

my stance on the matter doesn't mean that i don't know that your average XY chromosome carrier will more likely want to move his body quite a bit more than your average double Xer.

but with ryan and others like him, it's more than that. more than a desire to climb things while he "watches" tv. (watches tv ... laughing to myself.) it's more than a need to constantly be climbing on anything or any Person (read: me) at anytime. more than a literally insatiable primal urge to hit and destroy things and pose in any number of alleged karate poses while employing and inventing the use of a vast array of invisible assault weapons at all times. i'm not even kidding...or exaggerating.

i find that most people, whether it is a result of my inability to convey or articulate, do not understand this. many people think he needs more "discipline". (i need to let you know that as i typed that, my eyes fell down into the back of my throat, they rolled that far back.) this same 'many people' group either do not have their own children (best givers of parenting advice!) or have uber docile sloth-like children or are maniacal control freaks that have already beaten the spirits out of their own previously Spirited Child. this list is actually one of all the people who have told me about my wanton lack of parenting skills both with their words and their faces.

so you'll have to excuse me if i am a bit thenthitive about my precious boy (only i'm allowed to think he's trouble. nobody else. not really. if you get him, you're allowed but i have to know that you really do get him first.) who Ryan or any of these kids like him is is a truly Spirited Person who knows how he feels, knows what he needs, knows whom to tell about it and is completely Unafraid to do so. how many people can say that?

sure he gets carried away and hits people (namely his sister), grabs things, breaks things, annoys the living Heaven ("heaven" here is personally interpreted as closeness to the Divine) out of me (literally!) but he is still only FOUR. i've been here exactly eight times as long as he has and i still haven't figured out how to stop myself from doing things that i know are not necessarily "great" for me (and sometimes even for other people). so i re-iterate: F-O-U-R: four!

this is the spiel i'd like to spit like nails at the people who tense up and make the body language comments; whose eyes looking for resting places that don't convey their internal monologue of judgment; the people who outright make stupid freakin' comments about his "behavior". either the spiel or good solid whack to side of their heads.

but instead, i feel hurt and frustrated and tired of all of it and i get mad at ryan for being who God made him to be.

so help me, God, to find the words, the ways, the Loving responses to all the parties involved - including me.

but maybe i'm praying the wrong thing. maybe i need to be asking for a wide open heart that provides unconditional acceptance of things that seem hard to bear. and possibly, just maybe those things will have a whole new look.

all the while, staying pretty much the same. which is what it is and is Precisely (i do not use this word lightly) what it needs to be.

Todle Osum Stuff by LaurYn Saoyr

Driven purely by her own interest, Lauryn has taken to spelling words out phonetically, or should I say "funetikale"? She just finds her way to her desk and writes and writes and writes the words that mean something to her.

The greatest fun - besides witnessing her personal discovery of the written word - is figuring out how to pronounce her "funetik" spellings. But some of them are pretty straightforward, like "OPIN".

She also has a tendency to write right to left, and sometimes in mirror image. Stop diagnosing. She's fine. She's SIX! Keep your labels to yourself, please. Thank you! This one - one of the first - says: William Lauryn Scary Movie (SCREE= Scary, MO-OOVE - above = Movie) and it has the scary movie in progress.

She's made a birthday card for our friend Sam and it includes some Originals like "Braoonez" (Brownies) and "Olcates" (All Cats) as well as voluntary copying from the cake mix box.

I don't correct her. I pronounce her words to the best of my ability. And if she asks how to spell a word, I tell her. But she really enjoys saying the sounds out loud to herself and then putting them down on the paper.

I enjoy it too.

Like the way she spelled my name in this one:

And today she spelled "OLUVUS" for All Of Us.

This won't last very long. It will only be a few minutes before I am marveling at her spelling things 'properly' and trying to remember some of the quirky spellings she had.

The very Bestest part of all - the melted chocolate in the centre, the gold star on my worksheet, pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the spring of any discontent i may ever experience - is that

i get to be Here to see it all!!!.

THAT is how lucky i am! Lucky Lucky Lucky!

This is so TODLE OSUM!!!

parenting in the dark

okay, so you've heard me talk a lot about 'home schooling' my kids. i say this to everyone. in any given social situation the question arises: where do your kids go to school?

- oh, we homeschool.
- um.. my kids are homeschooled.
- well... they don't really go to school, we ...homeschool.

these are the sentences i use to tell people that i haven't chosen the same thing as them. that i might possibly be weird. (possibly?? come ON, we know that i'm weird!) that at least on some level, i do not agree with "everybody else".
i always hesitate. i always have a pause - from a nano second to a few beats - before i answer the question which is Exactly the way i answer when people ask me how long i nursed my children.

- err, umm. well... two and a half years ...??? (almost a question). then i shrink into my space as a way of apologizing for doing what i wholeheartedly believe to be Good and Right and True and Normal and Natural for my children and my family.

i'm sorry that i didn't accept the status quo. accept my apologies for asking questions about doing things because 'that's the way they've always been done' and a bunch of random not-so-fine people merrily confess to having had/done all this stuff and 'turned out just fine'.

i apologize because:

my son has an Intact penis.
my children have not been vaccinated
they slept in bed us.
yes, we actually still all sleep in the same Room (grimace.)
i not only gave my children my own human milk but we also practiced 'extended' nursing.
reading and math? jeez no, sorry i am letting them play ... a lot! as much as they want. (kinda all the time really - double grimace)

and yes, sorry i homeschool.

no. that's a lie. i unschool. (holding my breath waiting for the attack...)

so. why so apologetic? i Do Not Know. is i that i feel bad for people who might be offended that i appear to be judging their choices because i made different ones?

why yes. yes, actually. that's it!

and while it's true that there was a time when i did judge people who didn't breastfeed (sorry!), or people who seemed to me to be making uninformed choices, or people who i thought were 'torturing' their children by sending them to a school they children obviously hate, or whatever. it's true. i did.

thankfully, however, i have let go of my need for rightness, superiority, better-than-you-ness. (bye-bye, complex!) (c'mon. cut me some slack here, i am admitting to some horrible things and admitting to letting them go!) .... (well, for the most part anyway)

processing this out loud now i am realising that i don't want people to think that my decision to do The Other; the strange; the completely un-thought-of, the rarely witnessed is not a way for me to say that i think their choices are bad. so who says it's that much about Me, anyway? you want to know what's Actually about me? stuff that's has to do with me. (NO!!!!) if people are walking away wondering what kind of commentary on their life my life is - that's about Them - Not Me. and they may need to wave goodbye to their complex too.

this means that i don't have to keep parenting in the closet. being sheepish about doing what i deeply believe to be good and right and true for my family. i can Unapologetically carry on staying home (rather, going OUT) with my children, having a blast, witnessing them grow into and out of their beings every day. maybe they won't be "normal" adults.

but neither am i. and i really like that about myself.

what's so great about 'normal' anyway (whatever the hell that is)?

actually, i know that i am equipping them to find their own way and to decide what is good for them. what kind of reality they will weave for themselves. what kind of normal or weird works best for them. even This is not about me. ...ultimately, anyway.

i'm turning the lights on and i'm saying out loud:

i am Different and i'm Proud!

(ahem... now i just gotta tell my parents what i really mean when i say i'm "home schooling").