peaceful parenting: Doctors Reject Circumcision As HIV Prevention

peaceful parenting: Doctors Reject Circumcision As HIV Prevention

the fool proof formula for parenting

we have no guarantees.

you can feed your children perfect, balanced foods ensuring them optimum nutrition.
you can send your child to the Best Schools anywhere.
you can raise a Gifted child.
you teach your child perfect social skills and manners.
you can teach your child discipline and self control.
you can expose your children to the world through travel and culture.

you can do all these things and more to give your children the best possible start or opportunities. you really can.

BUT. (ahhh, the but. you saw it coming, don't act all surprised and stuff.)

if You are not happy, if your (child's) family is not happy and if your Child is not happy, none of it - not one iota of what you do- amounts to anything.

i don't mean spoiled, given every thing all the time no matter what. that's not happiness, that's gratification.

i mean Happy-ness. loving life, excited to be here now (generally speaking, of course as we have all been the painfully embarrassed parent of a screaming child -in public).

watch your child. observe this person and evaluate her behaviors and words. is she happy, angry, sad? providing a loving environment that is rich with joy, laughter and love of life - this will undergird any of your other efforts to grow a healthy happy human. it's really the cornerstone for any truly alive person.

as i have said before on this blog (which is a totally teefed quote just like the rest of them): happy people make happy families, make happy communities, make happy countries, make a happy world.

check the mirror. check your life. are you happy?

what this woman wants

for the last, most recent space in time i have felt completely adrift. a bit like clinging to driftwood after a terrible storm. i have not known any thing. no, not one. everything became utterly unknowable and incomprehensibly dark.

i have felt as though Every Thing i knew, and all that has held my life-navigation vessel intact was destroyed leaving me- well, nowhere. absent. lost. forgotten.

forgotten.

erased.

vanished.

i am reminded now of a quote that says that it must become dark in order for the stars to shine. and yet i saw nary a twinkle.

until now.

i asked myself just now as i witnessed the stars and they returned the favor - what do i want? what does cian want? what does Love want for me?

and i saw a star. the luminescent beauty of which shone directly into and out of me.

what i want more than anything is to be (keep being) with my children. to Be With My Children.

To Be With My Children.

and suddenly i am tethered. something has grabbed a hold of me. and i grow in the awareness that not only am i seeing a star, but i am seeing stars. i am seeing and being seen by the whole universe. a universe that is within me, through me. is me.

this desire is mine. but Mine with a capital M because it is the oldest deepest desire of my heart.

i smile because this is true. and real. and tangible and knowable. i am tethered to none other than the north star and i can point my way home.

i can.

i can.

i can!

cian=ican

i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can!!!!!!!


/p.s. - i need to note that this is about what i want to do with my life. and my life begins with me + nathan, who has always been and continues to be the place in the ground of all being to which i am always anchored. it is from our place together as One that any movement in my journey begins.

"you must respect my authoritay"

inspired by a dialogue i am currently engaged in, i thought i'd speak for a moment about "authority". rather, The Authorities. as in, "Act normal. The Authorities are here."

i'm not quite sure where i want to go with this. i'll start by quoting myself quoting someone else: "the majority is never right". (oookayyyy...). i mean, i can think of so many instances in history and present time where a great many people believe A Thing and respect the "authority" that - for lack of better words - *authored* the Thing and then at some point one or three people said, um, i don't THINK so.. and everyone was like what? ...ohhhhhhh. well, most everyone. ... the smart people, anyway.

(good god what a pointless ramble).

anyway, i have this quote as my signature from Thomas Henry Huxley which says that every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority. a friend challenged me on the overstated nature of the quote and we have been back-and-forthing about it. which led me to this blog post.

is this really true? the absolute rejection of authority? yes, i think it's really true. and now i'm going to tell you why.

to pick the quote apart to it's bones (possibly marrow), i think it was the absolute rejection of authority. but not of *all* authority, just the particular authority on the matter at hand. you may think the sun revolves around the earth, mr. pope, but i beg to differ and in so doing i reject your authority on the matter. absolutely!

you may think it is good to put children in buildings and force them to memorize facts all day every day until they are 18 mr. whole western world, but i beg to differ and i absolutely reject your authority on the matter. sure people need to know things. but i do not accept your pre-packaged "standard facts" that every person must know or be absolutely worthless. i do not accept your idea that all humans need to know the same things at the same time. this is, in the least preposterous, idiotic and incomprehensibly absurd!

i feel that this rejection has given me my own personal advance in natural knowledge, particularly as it pertains to natural learning. i am one of a rapidly growing number of people who are rejecting this authority on education. sure, we are still a minor minority but so were the civil rights activists, the guy who started amnesty international, jesus and his disciples, and even david koresh (just checking). my absolute rejection of that authority has opened a door to me about children as people with rights, not just rights to learn what they need (desire) to learn when they choose, but real life basic human rights. the same rights that women, brown skinned people and other people that have historically (and presently) been denied equal personhood by the reigning authority figures. all people have the right to their feelings, thoughts, opinions. the right to express those thoughts, feelings, opinions (while respecting other people). the right to be treated with respect.

i therefore reject the authority that states that people who are small and young must be struck to be corrected. i, who choose to refrain from subscribing to absolutes, find that i must absolutely reject this prevailing belief. another advance in natural knowledge? i think so. because i think that some generations from now we will look back with shame on the time when it was not just okay be "good" to hit children. yes i do. absolutely.

but i digress.

to get back to the quote, i figure it's time to close and i'll do so by saying that i am not so self absorbed in my philosophies and convictions that i don't see that the quote (taken out context) is a gratuitous overstatement. but for me it's like including a bit of static electricity in my email. just a small bzzt! to trigger a new thought (process!).

i also love being challenged (*squirm*) and pushed as it helps me to a) gain clarity about my own thoughts and b) appreciate, sometimes incorporate newer, broader perspectives.

bzzzt!

control, freak

WARNING: If you parent in the time honored tradition of coercive, punitive "discipline", authoritarian style, you are already offended at this blog post. You already feel as though I am questioning everything you believe in, stand for, think is Good and Right and True. Yes, this is Very Offensive indeed.

But the truth is that what I am doing is questioning my own long held beliefs about how people should be grown by other people. What I am pushing at, challenging - trying to get out of - is this very uncomfortable, scratchy, pokey even "safety net" (which i am now realizing was really a straight jacket) for raising children.

So... watch me squirm. Better yet, squirm with me, will ya?



People think that children who are compliant and easy to control are "good children".

Who among us hasn't seen the obedient child who "listens the first time" and then commented on what a Good Child that was?

[back to lowercase now.]

this is nothing short of vile and offensive to me. as my friend aptly articulated to me recently - and i'm totally paraphrasing - "people are only going to be 'children' for a very small part of their life, so we might as well allow them access [desirable?] adult patterns of behaviors so they can become familiar with and practice them. obviously, i don't mean inappropriate things. i am talking about the characteristics of happy, successful big people that already exist in happy successful small people. determination, persistence, unwillingness to accept the status quo or arbitrariness, looking for creative ways to do things, not being easily swayed... things like this.

in very young people we use labels like: defiant, sassy, rude, devious etc.

you know what this about? it's about *US*! the behaviors are hard for us to manage, the people don't do what we want them to do, they make us look bad to other people. it's more work for us.

our collective illusion of Safety in Control is foundational to the parenting philosophies that are popular today.

control the infant's feeding and sleep patterns or else the whole human being will be completely ruined and your life will be a wreck and you will be a bad parent. don't you dare give your hungry baby your breast when she asks for it or you risk being manipulated and raising a terrible and evil manipulating human. force independence on to naturally dependent creatures or else who knows when they'll stop needing you. everyone knows babies shouldn't need their parents emotional presence and support. all babies need is nourishment and a safe place to sleep. so start training them not to need you from birth just to make sure they really get it. make sure they learn as much as possible as soon as possible or else they will be blithering idiots who can't formulate coherent thoughts and the definitely won't be brilliant "academians" (so, i made up my own word), which everyone knows is the key to True Happiness. make all of their decisions about everything for them because they don't know any better and will magically develop this ability at age 18 as long as you keep doing it for them until then.

control control control.

when they get older, punishment is The Only Way to get them to do what you want them to do. no chance in hell that there are any good humans who weren't hit or coerced to goodness by their parents. and of course, every child who gets hit/controlled/manipulated/forced grows up to be a successful adult. (whatever the hell that is.) and it is about what they will be later because they are not actual whole complete people now. naturally.

all the evidence supports this. if you want to grow a robot who will not think for itself, this is definitely the way to go. that way, we can stagnate the progress of the human race and make sure that everything stays exactly the same because it's all SO good now, isn't it?

obedient, compliant adults who always do what they're told and never ask questions or challenge the status quo is what the world really needs.

talk amongst yourselves...

on having a bad Here day

i'm yelling, lauryn's yelling, ryan's hitting. it's not good.

we've had a pretty good day up to this point but ... i dunno... feeling like i'd like to be There now instead. like later when the margaritas are made.

she fights me on everything sometimes. and nothing is ever good enough. that's how i feel anyway. i get x, she wanted y. i take her to a, she wished it was b or that so and so was there. go to the movies, buy candy. but why do we have go home? let's go again. (whine complain bitch moan).


i feel like i'm on survivor trying to form an alliance with her before the merge. that reference might be lost on some, but there's always google. (which you'll have to do if you want to keep following because i plan to milk that metaphor). so yeah, the merge. i feel like i'm trying to form alliances with both kids. hey, person, i'm on *your* side. i'm making wheels and deals for us! when that other tribe gets all mixed in, don't fall for their tricksie talk. and even if you do, i'll still be on your side. i'll never vote you off.

so it's not so much that i'm actually trying to convince them that i'm on their side because i think they know but sometimes they think that suggestions like, "maybe you oughtta take that off before you swim in the mud" are a secret plot to destroy them. "please be kind to your brother" is a vile and subversive attempt at brainwashing her into a mindless stupor. or a simple "ryan, pleeeeeease try this" (food that we are all sharing) is an effort to off him.

i think i gotta keep finding ways to allow. just allow. thanks to Scott Noelle over at Enjoy Parenting and his Daily Groove inspirational emails, I get little nuggets of wisdom to help me Be the change or the light I hope my children will access in themselves and reflect back to me.

For the most part, okay - SOME of the times- i am able to accept What Is. ryan doesn't have to eat, his body will tell him when and what to eat and i will keep offering him good healthy options to choose from. lauryn doesn't have to know where her toys are, they are just things and they will come back to her or end up where they are meant to be.

inhale........

exhale....

i've just turned my frown down side up.

midnight blog snack

it's one oh seven AM. my kids and husband are sound asleep. so is the dog. and prolly the cat.

i am awake greedily devouring the silence in my house. so maybe it's more of a midnight feast. mm mmm good. i am half enjoying it.. well, more like 90% enjoying it and 10% fretting about the fact that is my rotation on the wake up tomorrow. :(

but it's worth it. sitting here and not being called. sitting here just sitting here.

nice.

there is a part of me that feels the need to explain away any possible appearance or perception on your part of ungratefulness for my kids. pish posh. i don't have to do that. you already KNOW i love my kids truly madly deeply. so... no. go to bed guilt monger! or at least have the decency to STFU at this hour of the morning. thank you.

so, where were we? oh yes. me stuffing myself to the rafters with the clock ticking and the air moving. me stuffing quiet into my pockets, my bra, my ears. me holding my nose and staying under as long as possible in this silence.

ohhhhhhh it is soooooo goooooooood.

that 10% worry factor grows with each tic toc however and to bed i must go. i now have about 6hrs of sleep to get. likely less with the 5.30am internal alarm with no reset button to be found. not even a stinkin snooze for crying out loud.

anyway - silence. me likey.

just going to pour some in my hair and brush my teeth with it and then it's off to bed for me.

munch munch swallow swallow burp. taste goooooooood....

a word is worth a thousand pictures

addicted to facebook as i am, it's given me a little ap that calculates the words most frequently used in my status updates this year. and status updates there were many. obviously i was totally unconscious that there would be some sort of word analysis software available at year's end and i am thankful for the results.

that is, the words i used most frequently provide an albeit rough sketch of the way i experienced the year. or is it possible that when i felt like crap i didn't post it? i doubt it because i'm usually pretty honest. usually.

the word "off" may seem a bit odd at first but that is me saying we or i am "off" to (do) this or that or the other. so it means we were "off" a lot! and i like that.

maybe 2009 has been a killer of a year financially, but thank God the hard parts were nicely cushioned between the good stuff. the stuff that matters, that counts.

and so i give you my own personal most frequently used (on facebook) in two thousand and nine:

1):happy - used 49 times
2):love - used 35 times
3):home - used 30 times
4):good - used 29 times
5):off - used 29 times
6):kids - used 28 times
7):thankful - used 25 times
8):great - used 24 times
9):today - used 24 times
10):feeling - used 22 times

i wish us all much happiness and love in our homes. good times and adventures. i wish our children voices that are heard and valued and meaningfulness in their beings. i wish us all gratitude. and may all our todays be great!

these things i wish for us all in two thousand and ten.

the way we were ... er... learn

as lauryn gets older and i become more ... (what's the word? i know!)... and i get older, i start to see the parallels between us and i can't help but wonder if in some cosmic blessing-as-joke kind of way, i am not getting the chance to raise myself, as it were.

i may or may not have mentioned before that she abhors, detests, cannot stand being told what to do. it's like splashing cold water on a hot griddle. so inasmuch as i can afford her that luxury, i attempt more, well, gentle ways of inviting her to do things. this way we all have a much better experience.

it's taken me kind of longish to realize that - (sheepish demeanor here) - i feel the same way. (i have a particular disdain for arbitrary - read: stupid and pointless - rules.)

the other thing is that she also resists any form of direct instruction/teaching. any scenario that involves me using too many words to impart knowledge invariably ends with me noticing her glazed, distant eyes, trailing off and then abruptly (but not at all bitterly) changing the subject or plain old shutting up. she'd much rather find things out for herself. instead of me telling her about white blood cells, it was far better to watch the video animation (after video animation, after fun, interesting video animation) of how they work. instead of me telling her how to sound words out, it was and has been far better to give her the tools and let her decipher the code of written word for herself.

it's taken me kind of longish to realize that - (you, guessed it: sheepish demeanor here) - say it with me: i feel the same way too.

there.

now isn't that better?

why yes. yes it is.

which causes me to wonder if i was as dreamy and loam fairy-like as she is. was i the kid who may have had feet on the ground but rarely had my head engaged in any thoughts about nitty gritty stuff like "reality"? rather, Other People's dull, boring, completely irrelevant to my experience Realities.

lauryn and i appear not only to be cut from the same cloth - but cut from the very same Bolt. mine has been patterned and cut and that's for the best.

but lauryn.

she gets a chance to find her own pattern, or not (!!). she gets to take her fabric and run with it. she has a rare and wonderful gem of an opportunity to do it frank sinatra style:

her way baby.

i watch her learn and i learn more every single day about the way both of us - alike but individuals - learn best. in revealing her self to me, she is gifting me in profound ways with glimpses into parts of my own, yet-unknown self.

i am conscious to watch for the potentially stifling pit fall of thinking she is me. of thinking i can somehow re-live my own history through her. this is Definitely Not About Me. sure, i get some speaking parts, but i'm not the lead in her story - She is. and, lucky for me, i have been given the role of producer.

this. this is a magnificent place to be. a wondrous (and i believe on going) experience of discovery of so very much that there is to learn out there.

and, equally (possibly more) important, in Here.

Activism 101

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
Press Release - Bahamas joins Global CandleLight for Climate Change
submitted by cian sawyer


As many people are aware, world leaders are in crucial talks during the next two weeks at the climate change conference in Copenhagen. This is a critical time in our history and environmental groups around the world are underscoring the need for ambitious international environmental policies to be formulated and implemented.

In a unique effort to tell our leaders that the world wants "The Real Deal" over 2,200 groups in 132 countries will be standing together in a Global Climate Vigils on Saturday December 12th, 2009 at or around 5.30pm (local time). Internet-based international activist group, Avaaz.org - The World In Action, is orchestrating this initiative and helping groups coordinate their efforts. (http://www.avaaz.org/en/)

Organizers, cian sawyer and Margot Bethel will be hosting the only vigil in The Bahamas and one of the few vigils being held in the Caribbean. Their intention is to join in the global effort, create awareness in our local community and to send a message to our own government that climate change is a relevant and fundamental issue that must be addressed if we are to move forward as a nation. Regionally speaking, we will be lighting candles and standing together with our neighbours: the Domican Republic, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

The locally named Candlelight for Climate Change is being held this Saturday, December 12th at 5.30 pm in front of The Hub - easily identified by a "Think Green Bahamas" mural - on Bay Street. The group will meet, light candles and share information then walk down to Rawson Square and back to The Hub. Participants in the vigil can feel a part of something larger and profoundly significant, knowing that they are one of possibly tens of thousands lighting candles together around the world. Parents are being encouraged to include their children, as this movement is ultimately about the well being of theirs' and future generations.

_________

Also - This link is for a relevant article that is being published internationally in many languages in news sources around the world. If you haven't already published it, I encourage you to do so. http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/dec/06/copenhagen-editorial

go with the flow, experts say

i experience my emotions like a hapless swimmer being sucked under and out by the sneaky, silent riptide. gayly bobbing on the surface enjoying the cool of the water against my skin, i think everything is fine. everything is great. perfect. maybe i'm watching the kids play in the sand on the beach, maybe they're snacking in the shade. it is such a delightful day. and, oh my god, how much do i LOVE this water so pretty and clear.

wait, what's that?

then in a heartbeat i'm being pulled - no. sucked into this invisible current that lurks just beneath the surface.

don't panic, they say. go with the flow, the say. panicking and swimming against the current will only tire you out and then you'll be too weak to stay above the surface. and then you'll be - to put it kindly - a goner. so go with the flow. let it take you out and exhaust itself and then you can swim parallel to the shore line and back in.

to belabor this metaphor even more, i have to wonder out loud how it is that i can possibly permit myself to free float into feelings that have no names. i know how to run, er.. swim screaming in the other direction from a shark, even a massive-almost-tidal wave but this. this? it feels too scary to let go. to not-struggle against it. to not push and push and push my way toward the sand where happiness plays.

and yet it is unavoidable. i'm already caught. do these feelings have to have names for me to let them come and let them go? without trying i find that exhaustion comes labeled and easily identifiable. and this turns out to be more than enough to persuade me to relax and go with the flow. to let them carry me knowing - now that i've been told by the Experts - that they will let me go. and i will be free to australian crawl my way back toward safety. toward happy feelings. to sunshine and sandcastles.

even so i can't help but notice that the overwhelming tiredness from the experience makes me feel like i'm dragging a boat behind me.

this is how i experience my emotions. just under the surface, strong and fast. it doesn't mean there is always a silent, invisible monster lurking right there. or here. but when they come, these feelings, they come like rip-tides; like thieves; like a sudden, violent storm. and then they're gone.

and now i am going, going, ...here.

ouch. i'm thenthetive.

no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to let go of the one or two comments, the three or ten looks that people have burned me with about how i'm a bad parent because i don't know how to control my son. i've talked about it, processed it, rationalized it but for some reason can't seem to get over it and/or let it go ...all the way.

sooo whenever i'm around people i get a little - antsy? protective? hyper-aware, maybe - of how people are interacting with my son and how people are interacting with me interacting with my son. the breeze just has to nudge the person's face just so and i am smarting on the inside. after a little bit of that, i start doing exactly the thing that i abhor and taking it out on him when i what i really need to do is say 'back TF off, OK?' to the offending party.

i won't go into the elongated version of the diatribe where i talk about how people who don't have exuberant, vim-infused, kinesthetic children have no idea what it's like. in fact, that sentence is the equivalent of the short version. and i don't want one more person to tell me that he's 'just being a boy'. there are millions - no BILLIONS - of boys in the world and all of them are not like each other. all of them are not like my son. as a matter of a fact there are girls who are like ryan. other boys who are like ryan (of course) so the qualifying criteria is not, in fact, anatomical possession of a penis and testicles (or parts thereof).

these are the children that go to school, don't fit in, and end up on ritalin or some such bloody nonsense because people need to label children to cover for the colossal inadequacy of the system. these are the children that get drugged into a drunken stupor that makes them appear to behave "properly" or like other "normal" people. poor, unfortunate souls, as Ursula the sea witch would say.
and while i cannot categorically deny the existence of an actual condition of A.D. anything, i can most assuredly say that i think most of it is bullshit. i am entitled to my opinion and i like it so i'm keeping it especially because i'm right. but my rightness is not what this particular commentary is about.

i can guarandamntee you that if ryan were to attend a regular school and merrily demonstrate his unwillingness (notice i did not say inability) to sit still for the boring drills and pointless memorization these people are subjected to, he would be labeled quicker'n you cin say "SIT DOWN!"

if his way of being is just him 'being a boy' then all boys - like 99% anyway - would get diagnosed, prescribed and medicated.

my stance on the matter doesn't mean that i don't know that your average XY chromosome carrier will more likely want to move his body quite a bit more than your average double Xer.

but with ryan and others like him, it's more than that. more than a desire to climb things while he "watches" tv. (watches tv ... laughing to myself.) it's more than a need to constantly be climbing on anything or any Person (read: me) at anytime. more than a literally insatiable primal urge to hit and destroy things and pose in any number of alleged karate poses while employing and inventing the use of a vast array of invisible assault weapons at all times. i'm not even kidding...or exaggerating.

i find that most people, whether it is a result of my inability to convey or articulate, do not understand this. many people think he needs more "discipline". (i need to let you know that as i typed that, my eyes fell down into the back of my throat, they rolled that far back.) this same 'many people' group either do not have their own children (best givers of parenting advice!) or have uber docile sloth-like children or are maniacal control freaks that have already beaten the spirits out of their own previously Spirited Child. this list is actually one of all the people who have told me about my wanton lack of parenting skills both with their words and their faces.

so you'll have to excuse me if i am a bit thenthitive about my precious boy (only i'm allowed to think he's trouble. nobody else. not really. if you get him, you're allowed but i have to know that you really do get him first.) who Ryan or any of these kids like him is is a truly Spirited Person who knows how he feels, knows what he needs, knows whom to tell about it and is completely Unafraid to do so. how many people can say that?

sure he gets carried away and hits people (namely his sister), grabs things, breaks things, annoys the living Heaven ("heaven" here is personally interpreted as closeness to the Divine) out of me (literally!) but he is still only FOUR. i've been here exactly eight times as long as he has and i still haven't figured out how to stop myself from doing things that i know are not necessarily "great" for me (and sometimes even for other people). so i re-iterate: F-O-U-R: four!

this is the spiel i'd like to spit like nails at the people who tense up and make the body language comments; whose eyes looking for resting places that don't convey their internal monologue of judgment; the people who outright make stupid freakin' comments about his "behavior". either the spiel or good solid whack to side of their heads.

but instead, i feel hurt and frustrated and tired of all of it and i get mad at ryan for being who God made him to be.

so help me, God, to find the words, the ways, the Loving responses to all the parties involved - including me.

but maybe i'm praying the wrong thing. maybe i need to be asking for a wide open heart that provides unconditional acceptance of things that seem hard to bear. and possibly, just maybe those things will have a whole new look.

all the while, staying pretty much the same. which is what it is and is Precisely (i do not use this word lightly) what it needs to be.

Todle Osum Stuff by LaurYn Saoyr

Driven purely by her own interest, Lauryn has taken to spelling words out phonetically, or should I say "funetikale"? She just finds her way to her desk and writes and writes and writes the words that mean something to her.

The greatest fun - besides witnessing her personal discovery of the written word - is figuring out how to pronounce her "funetik" spellings. But some of them are pretty straightforward, like "OPIN".

She also has a tendency to write right to left, and sometimes in mirror image. Stop diagnosing. She's fine. She's SIX! Keep your labels to yourself, please. Thank you! This one - one of the first - says: William Lauryn Scary Movie (SCREE= Scary, MO-OOVE - above = Movie) and it has the scary movie in progress.

She's made a birthday card for our friend Sam and it includes some Originals like "Braoonez" (Brownies) and "Olcates" (All Cats) as well as voluntary copying from the cake mix box.

I don't correct her. I pronounce her words to the best of my ability. And if she asks how to spell a word, I tell her. But she really enjoys saying the sounds out loud to herself and then putting them down on the paper.

I enjoy it too.

Like the way she spelled my name in this one:

And today she spelled "OLUVUS" for All Of Us.

This won't last very long. It will only be a few minutes before I am marveling at her spelling things 'properly' and trying to remember some of the quirky spellings she had.

The very Bestest part of all - the melted chocolate in the centre, the gold star on my worksheet, pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the spring of any discontent i may ever experience - is that

i get to be Here to see it all!!!.

THAT is how lucky i am! Lucky Lucky Lucky!

This is so TODLE OSUM!!!

parenting in the dark

okay, so you've heard me talk a lot about 'home schooling' my kids. i say this to everyone. in any given social situation the question arises: where do your kids go to school?

- oh, we homeschool.
- um.. my kids are homeschooled.
- well... they don't really go to school, we ...homeschool.

these are the sentences i use to tell people that i haven't chosen the same thing as them. that i might possibly be weird. (possibly?? come ON, we know that i'm weird!) that at least on some level, i do not agree with "everybody else".
i always hesitate. i always have a pause - from a nano second to a few beats - before i answer the question which is Exactly the way i answer when people ask me how long i nursed my children.

- err, umm. well... two and a half years ...??? (almost a question). then i shrink into my space as a way of apologizing for doing what i wholeheartedly believe to be Good and Right and True and Normal and Natural for my children and my family.

i'm sorry that i didn't accept the status quo. accept my apologies for asking questions about doing things because 'that's the way they've always been done' and a bunch of random not-so-fine people merrily confess to having had/done all this stuff and 'turned out just fine'.

i apologize because:

my son has an Intact penis.
my children have not been vaccinated
they slept in bed us.
yes, we actually still all sleep in the same Room (grimace.)
i not only gave my children my own human milk but we also practiced 'extended' nursing.
reading and math? jeez no, sorry i am letting them play ... a lot! as much as they want. (kinda all the time really - double grimace)

and yes, sorry i homeschool.

no. that's a lie. i unschool. (holding my breath waiting for the attack...)

so. why so apologetic? i Do Not Know. is i that i feel bad for people who might be offended that i appear to be judging their choices because i made different ones?

why yes. yes, actually. that's it!

and while it's true that there was a time when i did judge people who didn't breastfeed (sorry!), or people who seemed to me to be making uninformed choices, or people who i thought were 'torturing' their children by sending them to a school they children obviously hate, or whatever. it's true. i did.

thankfully, however, i have let go of my need for rightness, superiority, better-than-you-ness. (bye-bye, complex!) (c'mon. cut me some slack here, i am admitting to some horrible things and admitting to letting them go!) .... (well, for the most part anyway)

processing this out loud now i am realising that i don't want people to think that my decision to do The Other; the strange; the completely un-thought-of, the rarely witnessed is not a way for me to say that i think their choices are bad. so who says it's that much about Me, anyway? you want to know what's Actually about me? stuff that's has to do with me. (NO!!!!) if people are walking away wondering what kind of commentary on their life my life is - that's about Them - Not Me. and they may need to wave goodbye to their complex too.

this means that i don't have to keep parenting in the closet. being sheepish about doing what i deeply believe to be good and right and true for my family. i can Unapologetically carry on staying home (rather, going OUT) with my children, having a blast, witnessing them grow into and out of their beings every day. maybe they won't be "normal" adults.

but neither am i. and i really like that about myself.

what's so great about 'normal' anyway (whatever the hell that is)?

actually, i know that i am equipping them to find their own way and to decide what is good for them. what kind of reality they will weave for themselves. what kind of normal or weird works best for them. even This is not about me. ...ultimately, anyway.

i'm turning the lights on and i'm saying out loud:

i am Different and i'm Proud!

(ahem... now i just gotta tell my parents what i really mean when i say i'm "home schooling").

Of Carriages and Queens

The Highlight of our adventures last week was our downtown jaunt that began with a wish, was drawn by a horse and finished with a queen!  Deborah and I took Lauryn, Sage, Ryan and Grace to the Surrey Ride stand (after overcoming the parking obstacle) to hire ourselves our very first carriage!  It was an interesting experience just arranging the ride with a great deal of unknowing and vaguery.  Where do we stand?  Who's taking us? How much is it?  Just wait here.  A white horse is coming.  Find out the price from the driver.  15 minutes and a few new interesting-to-me-but-not-the-kids facts later - cha-ching! - 35 bucks!  But with those smiles, it was totally worth it!  They really loved being in a horse drawn carriage.  Even Ryan liked it (which is shocking considering the fact that it didn't involve home, computer use, or playing with his favorite pal, "Little Willy"). Afterwards we dragged them through town (woe is them) for some interesting sights and sounds.  We saw 'baby' lawyers celebrating their new lives as white wig and black robe wearing legal counsel.  We visited the Nassau Public Library (formerly known as the Nassau Gaol some one hundred years ago) and got a wonderful view from the top.  We counted out the eight sides of the octagonal building and, satisfied that they were right, we headed back down to earth from the towering three storey high edifice.  After that we even popped in for a visit with Grandma Sawyer at her place of work where the kids got to be the source of Gramma's Glowing Pride and Joy! After much adieu we made our way back toward our car but not without stopping by for a photo op with Queen Victoria who abolished (what does abolished mean, mom?) slavery in 1891.  (I didn't talk about slavery with her/them as they didn't ask and I wasn't ready to go there with them.)  But the picture with the queen who did away with something bad - that was cool!  (For our friends in foreign lands, the pink building in the background is the house of parliament where our elected officials do whatever it is they do - which doesn't seem to be too much.) All in all, with the visit to the Humane Society, Pool days, fun at Mr. Pretzel's, the Downtown Day Out and Halloween Pumpkin Carving and candy fun, it was a great week!  What'd we learn?  A thousand and one nameless things and much, Much more.

what is real life?

you know what's funny? people talk about how children "need" to go to school to learn how to live in "the real world" but nothing about the way your average school is operated is anything like my real life. (one i am told i am lucky to have and which, indeed, i am Very Thankful for. but this is available to many people with the ability to choose it, but that's another blog post.)

what is this alleged "Real Life"?

real life is fully integrated, rather than divided into subjects (baking cookies is not about math and reading comprehension, it's about making cookies.). real life happens all the time (24hrs a day) and people (whether they know it or not) have a choice about what they do when they do it. in real life everybody doesn't know all the same things just because they are the same age. in real life everybody doesn't need to know everything and be "well rounded". no one thinks accountants should know about biology or french. no one expects nurses to spout off calculus facts, solve quadratic equations or random pieces of information about history at any given time.

in real life people learn the things they need to learn when and HOW they need to learn them. in real life, even though someone may know more about something than me, it doesn't make it okay for them to treat me like with contempt and/or disrespect. in real life, i am responsible for myself. i make decisions and live with the results and learn (and grow!) from my mistakes. in the real world i am not a bad person because i don't know something and people don't test me on what i know to decide what to think of me (and if they do, those aren't the kind of people i would choose to be around!)

whatever this 'real world' is that school is supposed to prepare people for, it's not what i want for my children. i don't want them to learn that one person has all the answers, that they are simpletons incapable of discovering things for themselves, that they are less than people who know more about something than they do, that they have no valid opinion, that when a bell rings it's time to go to work or time to stop. that a person's worth lies entirely in their performance. that people don't get to do the things they are passionate about because other people don't approve.

but let me shift that too the positive point of view:

i want my children to trust themselves. i want my children to understand how they learn best and what works best for *them* and to know how to teach themselves whatever they want to learn. i want them to find their passions and pursue them. for them to connect with living beings as equal citizens of the planet, like them. for them to have a broad worldview. for them to feel free from the confines of harmful social constructs (socio-economic delineations, popularity contests, fitting in because it's easier).

maybe it sounds like i'm saying that all children who go to school will learn all these things. it's not what i am saying. people (children in this case) who feel gotten and supported and encouraged to find their own path at in their home environment can navigate the traditional school system taking what they need and leaving what they don't. lots and lots of wonderful, world changing people have come from school. LOTS!

and lots and lots of wonderful, world-changing people have come from un- or de-schooled backgrounds too.

just think about what percentage of what you "learned" in school you use today; right now. Parallelograms? Literature? Chemistry? of the parts that you do use, what could you have learned without being coerced anyway?

school isn't the be all, end all. school and academics aren't the recipe for success. academics can and do change the world, to be sure. but even Hitler was educated. as were the doctors and nurses that created and maintaned those heinous gas chambers.

everything good happens within the framework of Love. for me, that is the real world. real life. Love is.

Love is. only Love only Love

only Love.

Is.

Rhythm is Gonna Get Ya... um, Me

Looks like we are finding a sort of inhale-exhale rhythm to our life as unschoolers. Of course, now that I've said that everything will change immediately.

Very early on my path toward where I am now, I read a Waldorf Book that talked a lot about life having a natural rhythm. This had a profound impact on me and I fully embraced that concept. Not to get into it but the author spoke about how before technology the rhythms of our lives were more closely aligned with the earth's. Even the way and time we did laundry, prepared meals etc.

Of course, a domestic goddess I Am Not. (I am in the thick of making peace with that.) So though the idea of an ebb and flow of life sat well with me, and the ideology of our lives being more integrated with nature's clock seemed very logical to me, I found that I tried and failed at creating (read: forcing) the kind of rhythms the author talked about in the book in my own day to day experience.

Once I let it go, however, I was able to see that my life did in fact have it's own predictable patterns, routines, ways of being. Maybe I didn't do laundry every Tuesday and bake pies every Thursday, but I did go to mommy group every Monday, hang out with friends every Friday, and we went to supermarket on Saturdays. Things like that. Then I went back to teaching part time when Ryan was one and it wasn't long before I realized that that was just Not going to work for me to leave my babies in other hands when they were still so young. So they soon came with! And for three years, they came with me to play-group thrice a week. And we had yet another - albeit externally driven - rhythm to our lives.

This September, when we jumped back into this way of life - this one in which we were untethered to the calendar or clock (huzzah!!) - I had a feeling we would find ourselves in our own natural in/out, go/stop, high-energy/low-energy ebb and flow in our hours, days, weeks. Even though we weren't actively looking for it, I knew we'd find it. And find it we did! Eureka!!

Over the last month to six weeks, we have expanded into alternating inhale-, exhale- weeks. That is to say a week full - i mean chockoblock - of activity; putting miles and miles on the car going from one adventure to the other, followed by a week of quiet, mostly in or close-to-home activities. I can't tell yet if I'm driving that or the kids or all three of us. But I do find that most Monday mornings after busy week, busy weekend, we are all three moving slowly and feeling low-key. And that soft, quiet atmosphere kind of eases into the days (and nights) that follow; settling over our bodies and even the furniture like a soft blanket and then - poof! - like magic, the next week we all get charged up and ready to go again. Suddenly the air is crackling, lots of things are calling to us, and we trying to find wiggle room to fit more things in.

Saying these things and re-reading them makes me smile. It fills me with gratitude and joy; knowing this is our life.

And yes, it may change. If it does, it doesn't matter... as long as we are happy. Here are some of the pix from our fun and beautiful sights from today.

Shopping as Economics 101

Finally took the people today to spend their birthday loot from their great grandma: $25 a piece. Standard, universal birthday gift from this well loved Granny. :)

We first popped into a small mom-and-pop type store selling "Educational materials and toys". Though I typically resist (subtext : detest) anything labeled as "smart" or "educational", i had gone in earlier this week with Lauryn and we found ourselves exclaiming at many, many cool things and we decided together to go back for the Big Birthday Shop. So we started our morning there, spending much of our time oohing and aahing; Lauryn marketing all the things she might like to have access to but not enough to spend her money to actually buy it, to Ryan. I fended her off on his behalf and he managed to find a super cool dinosaur puzzle book. Each page had a different category and the photo was it's own puzzle. He poured and poured over the book so much so that I encouraged him to spend his money on that. He was keen and we bought it. Lauryn, however, didn't want anything badly enough to part with her cash, so we left for another store.

The second store, fancy and 'rich-up' as it was, was less 'mom-and-pop-y' and more 'wealthy-business-owner-y' but still small and not too overwhelming. She picked up toy after toy after toy and either couldn't afford it or was unwilling to spend her money on it. I could see her weighing the cost/value ratio with the things that fit within her budget. Meanwhile back at the ranch, Ryan was LOUDLY playing with a great many stretchy-dragon, miniature car, molded dinosaur, chinese dragon puppet and anything else that was within reach and could possibly be imagined to shoot lasers and attack other things and people. (chwk! chwk! "I CHOOSE... PURPLE DRAGON! and GREEN DRAGON!!... (loud unspellable grating noises here)" Then the toys he chose would merge (he would actually kinda squeeze them together) and become a single, more powerful unit. We would battle. And I would lose. Every time. And yes, I totally played with their toys with him 'cause I knew that we were not "using up" any of the toys' inherent fun or harming the toys in any way.

And still Lauryn roamed.

She finally came to the conclusion that no, this store wasn't the right place; didn't have the right thing either. I asked if she wanted to go to the other conglomerate Toy Store. She agreed but was quick to point out that they also had "supplies for grown-ups" too.

I won't bore you and tell you how LONG we spent in the stuffed toy aisle and then even 10 million times longer in the Barbie sections. But it was LONG. Verrrrry long. I mean LONG-ONG-ONG-ONG-ONG. A revolving dialogue of Can I afford this? No. This? No. This? No. Aw MANNNN! This? Okay- anything more than twenty five is too much because that's what you have. Okay.

...So, can I afford this?

Not too long there after she kinda figured it the pricing thing out. How much is this? $40. Oh, too much. Is this one 38? Yes. Oh, too much. She was soon reading off all the prices and declaring whether they were too much or if she had enough. And after many long hours I finally heard it: Mom, this (fancy Barbie) is only 10 dollars!!! (me) NO WAY!! Nothing's that cheap in this store!

Off to the scanner we trooped and she was right! Then she soon found a PONY - a DISNEY PRINCESS PONY for TWELVE DOLLARS. I was like No Way that's right. And it was!!! So she got TWO things for UNDER $25 in The Conglomerate!

She was pretty proud of her buy! She loved giving the money to the cashier herself and toting her own big shopping bag (no, sorry not the reusable kind. I forgot it!) to the car. It was just after 2 by then and I asked what else they wanted to do for the day. We just wanna go home and play with our new stuff, they said. And I was happy to comply.

She was ecstatic when we got home. And played all afternoon with them. Of course, the pony was in the tub within an hour of being freed from it's plastic packaging.

As I said: Economics 101.

Inadvertent Community Service

without really planning it, we spent our day serving our community. so great how it worked out, really.

we have two friends who are in the hospital and i suggested we make cards for them today and go for a visit. lauryn jumped on it immediately and we used some of her spin art (seen here) to create them.

we picked up some valuable lessons along the way on wastage (a la "MOMMMMMM! You FINISHED the glue!!" | "Actually, Lauryn, you used most of it in your last project, remember?" | "oh. yah. right.") and conserving for later. and we had fun writing our greetings in each card. i got to do some crafty creating too. after a good brekky of real buttermilk pancakes, we got dressed and headed out for the hospital, Lauryn and i. ryan opted to stay behind.

we visited our friend who had an intestinal 'situation', then our dear sweet little friend living with leukemia. then we came home and had some more fun baking chocolate chocolate chip cookies too deliver to our neighbour who just had a baby on Ryan's birthday, in fact!

up the street we strolled, ryan in his skivvies, lauryn barefooted, hot footed on the asphalt, to deliver our yummy little treats.
unfortunately mommy and baby were away but it was off to the next thing: serving ourselves :) at a playdate with Lisa and Dyllan at KFC's play thing. it's indoors with A/C and they LOVE it! after that, we helped out the family of our hospitalized friend by picking the kids up and taking them for a cool drink then off to their grandmother.

we hung out a soccer with Lisa and Dyllan for another little while, then popped over for a visit at the kids we had taken to their grandparents earlier which included a splash in the pool and playing with 'foreign' toys.

finally we headed home and turned around for a walk up the street to deliver the baked goods where we visited and played (again!); met many new people and even getting to see a cool fish tank!

serving others, serving ourselves.

i want to do this more often. (serving others, i mean.)

you get a line i'll get a pole, baby

for a great many reasons, i will be doing my very best to chronicle our wonderful adventures in our journey of natural learning. i'm a little late to start as i have missed our days at the zoo and at at atlantis. but, today is as good a day as any!

yesterday, having spent a lovely afternoon with our friends at the pool, the kids and i were rollin on home toward daddy and a quiet evening at home. i can't remember what triggered it but they came up with the idea that they wanted to go fishing. can we go fishing tomorrow, mom? i was more than delighted to say "of course!". i mean, how many people get to do that? just say yes to spontaneous adventure?

so after much dilly and dallying on my part and even more 'mom can we go fishing yet?' on their part this morning, we finally got going. it was off to A.I.D. to find a fishing rod (we had to negotiate around people wanting to pick their own rods in their favorite color) but we managed to conclude it was wiser to just get one for now incase we don't LOVE fishing.

after some less than helpful help and no rods at A.I.D. (more like unaid) we went to the kelly's empire and found ourselves a neat little kit complete with rod, lures, hooks and line for under $40. sold! off we went...

to potter's cay dock to locate some discarded conch parts ("slop") and advice about where the best place was to shop. i growled at myself when i realized that i had forgotten my bag with the camera in it (&*%^#!!!) as i watched them oooh and aaaah over the live conch layed out on the tables. both of them touching the little horns that poke out. we got our conch slop, popped by the house for our trusty swim bag and headed out to our chosen destination.

what great fun we had trying to figure it all out! between trying to put the sinker on the line, a malfunctioning reel on the rod and tangled line everywhere - we all learned to exercise patience, endure heat and how not to use a fishing rod. we eventually just used short lines and fed the fish. which was great fun for all three of us to see all the pretty little fish that swim so close to the shore (between 6 to 30 feet out).

then we we'd had enough fun playing with our fishy friends, the kids decided they wanted to play in the sand. lucky for me i have child-related ESP and packed our swim bag so they very merrily changed on the spot and hopped down to the water. we made more friends with many little crabs, some kirbs (sp?), limpets and even a few dragonflies.

Our most interesting find of the day. We still don't know what this is. It's squishy and bouncy and seems to have something moving about (swimming?) inside. It has been placed by Lauryn into home made 'sea' (salty) water.

This little white crab is one of our friends, the biggest by far of the crabs we saw which was still only just about as big as the palm of my (hand at the most). We oooohed and aaahed at it's beauty.

You can see these little explorers searching for new and interesting finds just off the shore. The last photo is of our very happy "classroom" of the day, the best kind which is no 'room' at all.

So all in all, we had ourselves a fish of a time today. We'll definitely go fishing again very soon.

I wonder what we'll be doing together on Wednesday?