and the walls come crashing down

i feel like weeping.

i really do.

here i was going along thinking that i have been doing a good job (for the most part) raising my children. all the while doing to my daughter exactly what was done to me but in a different way.

i don't really want to go into my own VERY unhealthy relationship with food. i don't. it's too depressing.

but i really really believed that i was doing the right thing by withholding crap from my children. i thought it would teach them how to eat and appreciate healthy foods. this admission is very difficult for me. that i've done a very shitty job these last 5 years. i didn't know. i just didn't know.

what else have i been doing wrong?

i guess i'll be spending the next few days over at Sandra Dodd learning and unlearning about how to be a better mom.

this is so so sad for me. i hope i can change (myself).

Random Objects

i have been itching to write for weeks now. just itching! but i haven't had the time or the head space. what a minute, what am i talking about? all i have in my head is space, it seems as i am almost never able to find the words and thoughts i am looking for - just empty spaces.

random thought number one:
january just kind of got sucked down the toilet didn't it? one minute it's 'happy new year' and the next second i'm cutting out paper hearts for valentine's day crafts. good god, it's almost the middle of february already! i feel like swiper the fox is stealing weeks off my calendar! anyway, i guess i am kind of glad to be past this most recent past. it hasn't been easy.

random thought number two:
happy 'goingoutaversarry' to (me and) nathan! today is the thirteenth anniversary of us being together! (not married, just together).

#3
jeez louise life can be difficult!

#4
i'm so thankful to my dear friends (most notably NS DST and CM) for helping me see things.. differently.

5
i'm getting lazier as the list progresses

6
i am learning to believe that i can do it. whatever 'it' actually turns out to be. i must be learning because at this particular moment, i am not feeling terrified at the thought.

7
i gotta go b/c nathan needs to use the computer to earn a living. somehow, blogging random thoughts seems to pale in comparison.

this has been the single most non-cathartic writing, uninteresting episode of my blogging career.