I am finding myself. I am finding that I am comfortable with the way I am right this second. Inside and OUT. This is what I need for myself so that I don't allow any shit to come at myself. God loves me exactly the way I am and if it's good enough for the One who made me - damn - it's good enough for me. This is not to say that I plan to stagnate and never change because this is it. The reality of the world I live in and the reality of who I am is fluid and changes even with each keystroke of a blog. But I MUST accept and love the cian i am today so that i can be a new, possibly improved, cian in ten minutes, ten hours, ten days, months, years etceterahhh etceterahhh eteceterahhhh. Below is an email convo I've just had with a loved one. It is one of my early attempts at putting up my hand palm facing outward and saying - no, you may not cross this boundary please. I am still learning how to do this as I have always felt unable to refuse shit from older adults. I felt (was taught) that it was disrespectful. Well, I think it's disrespectful to make offhanded comments about someone's weight. Sorry, you'll have to scroll to the bottom of this post and read backwards. I haven't the energy to rearrange it.

Comments are welcome and invited. Even the rude ones. It will give me a chance to practice telling people to talk to the hand.


On January 23rd, 10: 20 PM cian sawyer wrote:

Dear Someone,

regarding the "weight issue" I do appreciate your concern. As I said, I am sure you intended to look out for me. But yes, it came across badly. I have been this weight since I can remember (I want to say about seven years). I guess i'm at a sort of homeostasis. (even after two pregnancies i came right back to this spot on the scale.) I had lost 20+ lbs before (pre-lauryn) and found them back in no time.

In our home we eat whole grains (for the most part), have something green most nights with dinner, and have few sweet treats lying around. I play tennis once (sometimes twice) a week and I am very busy at school with my 10+ students. I am not a perfect eater. but my cholesterol, both good and bad are at healthy levels, all my organs are in good health and overall, everything checks out well.

maybe i went a little too far with the cake comment because i was upset about your comment. i really am sorry i didn't get it. i love christmas cake and will not refuse it if it is offered to me again. ;) hint hint. life is short. one must not miss out on the simple pleasures - especially those that only come around once a year.

the point of my tirade is that i am unwilling to accept criticism about my weight or my appearance from anyone anymore. even if they are well meaning. there is no one i know to whom i would ever say that kind of thing, unless they were morbidly obese and they asked for my advice. i know you love me and thanks for your concern, but no more please.

lots of love and big booby hugs to you,
me too

On Jan 19, 2007, at 1:21 PM, Someone wrote:

Cian,

Glad for the catch up. Got the sense that the weight issue came across badly. At the risk of pushing it. I am concerned for your health and the long tern effect that being over weight will and can cause. If you are healthy and comfortable with your weight then so am I. As we get older (the big "O") it gets increasingly important to stay healthy so just be aware of this. Will remember that maybe cake is not a good give for you, only if you promise not to over indulge, will send something else in future. Big hug up for the family take care of those colds like I know you can.

Love & Blessings

Me


On Jan 18, 2007, at 6:01 PM, cian sawyer wrote:

Dear Someone,

Sorry about the cake. I really thought that i would have been able to get it but things didn't work out the way i had hoped. You know how you always think that you have more time than you actually have? So, I waited too late. Thanks for sending it though.

......

About my weight. I am wondering what you are concerned about. If it is my health, there is no need to worry. I've just had a complete physical and everything is great. If it is about my physical appearance, then there is no need to worry either. I am choosing to stop believing the lie that skinny=attractive. I may be a little above average (not media average, real life average), but there is nothing wrong with they way I look. So, while i appreciate your concern for me and i am sure it is coming from a place of love, you don't need to worry or speak to me about my weight anymore. Either way, I guess it's a good thing I didn't get that cake then, eh?

love is blessing. and so, i am thankful to have plenty of that!

love,
cian
_________________________________________________________

On Jan 18, 2007, at 5:24 PM, Someone wrote:

Cian,

How goes it with you, I understand that you never collected the cake. I am most "disapoint" not to worry life goes on. ...... Take good care of yourself and family. Hope this year you will get busy with your weight loss program, I have started mine.


Love & Blessings Adundantley

Someone

it's been year...

i cannot believe that i haven't posted since 2006. and i cannot believe that we are three weeks into january 2007 ALREADY! i hate to go into the regular old 'time is really flying' bit, but man, time is really flying! ...aaand cut.

everyone is sick. ryan has the snots and lauryn has a cough and i'm really fighting like hell to stave off this sore throat that's mounting it's best attack on me even as i type. *sigh* i let them both stay home today and knocked off work early to come relieve nathan of the childcare duties because his boss is real whip cracker! (on the off chance that your brain, like mine, is easily distracted by shiny or interesting things that lure you off the tracks of your train of thought - no, there was no pun intended with the whole 'cracker' thing. i simply meant a person who cracks the whip; therefore a whipcracker. okay back to the tracks) so he couldn't watch them for long and i had to hurry home. i couldn't take them to janet @ deborah's because will is sick and three sick kids is enough to drive anyone to drink. and we couldn't have that.

looking at buying a condo. although it looks doubtful (i wanted to say dubious but i think that would imply dodginess and that's not what i mean so i went with doubtful) because the guy says he think there are only one or two units left to reserve. shit. it's a good deal. for here, anyway. pre-con starts at 249 (K) for 2/2 with laminate wood floors (although i thought it was either/or but the email said laminate wood floors), granite countertops in kitchen and bath, walk-in closet in master, brushed nickel fixtures, what else? oh, oversized tub in master suite (hmmm? nice, right?) 9' ceilings - which are not super great, i guess average - okay i just read the advert: recessed lighting, solid wood cabinet doors in kitchen and bath... you get the picture. and only $5K down. crap. well, what is to be... i'll keep you posted on that. and also talk more about the whole decision making process later.

been thinking about my 30th and i don't know if we'll be able to pull of the jamaica party. but i'm thinking of doing an exuma trip as an alternative. the exuma cays are my second favorite place next to JA. the water down there is stunning at it's worst. breath-taking is a huge understatement. i honestly cannot describe it to you. so, we'll see how that unfolds too.

okay, i have to shower. last piece of news, i got my fourth period since december 2002 on saturday. yes, i said fourth (4th). ain't life pretty when you're knocked up and/or breastfeeding. the second was december 2004 then i got preggers with you know who and the third was october 2006 and now the fourth january 2007. i've made an appointment with the ever wonderful dr. lyons to put in a mirena (IUD) because i have basically surrendered and thrown in the white towel on the birth control drama. honestly. i really can't stand the idea of artificial hormones being pumped into my body by some foreign object living in my womb, but it's still much more pleasant than bloody condoms (blech!!! i HATE those things) and easier than remember to swallow a pill every single day for the rest of my life. (well, till the pause anyway). well that's a whole other blog entry too. could probably be a blog unto itself...

sniff sniff. is it possible to OD on vitamin C?